Bullying partner? Comments pls

Gingham_Ribbon

pearl123 wrote: »

I asked everyones opinion because in the end one begins to wonder if one is sane or being unreasonable.
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I imagine that almost all of us who have suffered in abusive relationships can relate to this comment.

That's what abuse does to people.

I wouldn't have commented after your first post as someone wanting to check for wastage could be, in a happy relationship, just be seen as someone trying to sort out the finances. (As in, 'if I can see that we're not using much of something I might be able to suggest a better alternative'.) But added to your second post and it does sound awfully familiar I'm afraid.

It gets better fast once we walk away.

pupsicola

pearl123 wrote: »

He says things like "from what I've seen so far you're not a woman". Alot of what he does seems to be him underminding my role as a woman.

Bikerfrenzy I doubt you ever did this to your ex.

pearl123

I think I knew is was headed this way. Recently, I purchased a book on domestic abuse. I suppose I wanted to remind myself about the facts and remind myself what is normal behaviour. (Also perhaps courage to break free) I haven't opened the book yet!
What everyone is saying makes sense. The comment buy popsicala " we all deserve to be treated better by our partners than anyone else" I will hang on to. This is the second time I've gone threw this saga. Had a previous relationship with another partner that was voilent. Second time around just a depressing. I just don't get it, cause I'm no shrinking voilet and I have been most vocal about him not treating me unfairly.

I will keep looking at the common sense comments here - to remind myself that I should have a better life without him. Thank you.

pupsicola

I think on the relate website there is a section regarding domestic violence. It outlines the warning signs. All the things a partner can be doing and saying (that individually may not seem outrageous though some of them are) that conclude if you are in an abusive relationship. Another poster put the link up on a different thread a while back. Not easy to look at. Huge hugs to you. I cannot imagine going through it twice.

somethingsgottogive

He sound's like an awful, bullying person to have in your life and you shouldn't have to put up with his behaviour. As someone else said, you do only have ONE life to live, and if you're not happy now do something about it. If he puts you down, makes you feel bad about yourself, controls your behaviour and treats you as less than equal then he doesn't love you and doesn't deserve you!

pupsicola

If you can face it go to

www.helpguide.org

And look at the trauma and abuse section

Tropez

scooby088 wrote: »

Why does everyone's advice consist of getting out of the relationship? I think it is rather premature as we are only reading one side of the story here, we never really read a balanced view. How can anyone say that looking in the fridge at the end of the week to ensure theres no wastage be bullying. How can having a row at the checkout be called bullying?

Even if there is no bullying occuring (although what the OP regards as bullying is an important point, even if others might debate it) the fact is that the OP has said, in no uncertain terms, that she is not happy in the relationship. Couples might have disagreements and row from time to time but there is a big difference between having a disagreement and being unhappy with the relationship and if someone is unhappy in their relationship then consideration over whether it is worth pursuing is warranted.

Just to add an example - my partner complains from time to time about the amount of clothes I buy but it doesn't make me unhappy that she feels this way, it is just something that we disagree on.

tenkas10

Your partner is speaking to you as if you owe him some form of justification and it is just so wrong. I can't really say to leave because i know that is what i need to do but just can't get there quite yet so its wrong to say to someone else however I did read a book that was so helpful and it put the bullying into a very clear perspective eg, it works (for the bully), it is quite learned behaviour and does escalate. It won't go away. The book is called Living with a dominator - The freedom programme, i got my copy from amazon. It helps you make sense of what is in your head and can be quite humurous in place too so its not depressing just real. hope that helps.

pearl123

To those who question whether it is abuse. It seems to me that whatever I do is never right. He's critises much of what I do and I'm lucky that I miss a day of critism. In the past, I've even printed off material from the internet for him - re how people feel when they are critised etc.
If I'm going out somewhere the following day, (I'm mostly indoors) I hardly ever tell him (now) as he will frequently create an arguement/upset which means that I get unwell or have less sleep. I've had to keep secrets because I didn't feel I could share with him as he was so critical of everything. And I mean everything. Everything it seems in his eyes that I do is wrong. He even once wanted to stand over me whilst I washed up to check I was doing it right.
Don't know whether that made sense. Bit of an emotional wreck at the moment. Going to read the book I purchased very quickly.

pupsicola

Pearl you are being abused. I wish I didn't think that, I really do. I feel terrible for you because it is the most horrific and awful thing to face up to

If anyone has any doubt imagine doing to another person what pearls partner does to her. Would you feel like you were being nice to them, being a bit off with them or abusing them?

I could not talk to or treat another person in that way but then I have respect for other people and their feelings. Pearls partner doesn't.