Advice needed, ex and child contact :-(

pupsicola

Flyboy152 wrote: »

What a thing to say. You have no idea how important it is for child to have a relationship with a parent. Just because his parents have issues about money, that is no way the child's fault.

You have no idea about my background and why I think that way. So much for freedom of speech. I will have my own opinion on things without your approval thanks very much

Flyboy152

KiKi wrote: »

You suggested that father have him every other weekend - which is what the arrangement already is. Two weekends a month.

OP, it sounds like perhaps the grandparents have more of a vested interest in their grandson than your ex. I agree with Flyboy that you're both driving halfway, and you're both paying out petrol money for that - but you're paying housing, clothing, food, bills and nursery costs whilst he isn't.

I think a possible way forward is for you to speak to the grandparents (not via your ex). Explain to them your financial predicament. You desperately want your son to see them, and his dad - but THEIR son is only giving you £80 a month to cover bringing him up, and that money isn't buying the clothes and things he needs. Because you're having to spend money out on raising him whilst on mat leave, you can't afford the costs of driving up every two weekends.

Of course, their son is paying to drive every two weekends, too, but then he's not paying for nursery fees as well!

So you're phoning them to ask for their help - do they have any suggestions as how to make this financially easier for you, whilst still ensuring DS has contact with them and their son?

You never know, they might give their son a kick up the backside - or offer to help financially. If they're both solicitors, they might offer you the £20 themselves.

HTH - and kudos to you for not playing games with your child.
KiKi

I would second this suggestion, but would advise caution with the approach. I would suggest not asking them direct for financial help, but to elicit their support in putting pressure on their son to provide more for his child, to help her mange financially.

pinkpig08

Flyboy152 wrote: »

And the fact that he also drives three hundred miles doesn't give you a clue?

HE moved away. It was his choice to move so far away from his chid. That gives me a clue.

Flyboy152

Loopy_Girl wrote: »

And the point is that the OP cannot afford to continue paying for the petrol in order for these visits to continue. She is not even asking for any child support, merely asking for the money to cover the petrol.

So we have a Dad who is unwilling to contribute more than £80 a month (as a s/e sparky who has no housing costs) and a Mum who is desperate to continue access but just cannot afford it.

So instead of aggressive counting going on, a compromise really is the best solution - unless you would advocate that the Mum gets into huge amounts of debt?

Your point is post 17 states that 'if he earns £530+ then you will get more than the £80'.
As he is self employed, what is earned and what is earned on paper are massively different. So to say that if he earns over a certain figure then a CSA amount would be awarded is not true.

And the fact that he is not willing to hand over and extra £5 a week to help with petrol to see his Son (and it was his choice to moce away) would suggest to me that the CSA would have a job on their hands getting any kind of payment.

No one is suggesting that contact should be stopped dead but the situation is untenable at the moment. So a compromise would seem more appropriate.

First of all, I was pointing a misunderstanding another forum member had regarding the OP. Secondly, it is not up to the NRP to fund anything for the PWC. Once that attitude is assumed, the slippery slope appears and nothing will be achieved. Thirdly, we only have the OP's word that the NRP moved away of his own accord on a whim. He could have moved to his parents home due to adverse financial conditions. Fourthly, it is the CSA's job to find out about an NRPs lifestyle and income, if it is reported to them that that the NRP maybe withholding income on a declaration. If the NRP is living a lifestyle not commensurate with his declared income, they wil be very unhappy and it is not a good thing to make the CSA unhappy.

Loopy_Girl

Flyboy152 wrote: »

I would second this suggestion, but would advise caution with the approach. I would suggest not asking them direct for financial help, but to elicit their support in putting pressure on their son to provide more for his child, to help her mange financially.

He should want to do it himself.

He's a grown man and shouldn't need his parents in this stage of his life to tell him to 'do the right thing'

Loopy_Girl

Flyboy152 wrote: »

Fourthly, it is the CSA's job to find out about an NRPs lifestyle and income, if it is reported to them that that the NRP maybe withholding income on a declaration. If the NRP is living a lifestyle not commensurate with his declared income, they wil be very unhappy and it is not a good thing to make the CSA unhappy.

Actually it's not the CSA's job.

They will tell you to provide the evidence yourself (flash cars, proof of expensive holidays etc etc).

A PWC can put a request in for lifestyle inconsistent with income but the OP in this case can hardly have any idea of this since they live so far away.

And no one is asking for 'funding' for anything (bitter much?). The OP in this case is asking for her petrol to be covered - that's all. She is not asking for any kind of formal child support.

Flyboy152

clearingout wrote: »

No, I have not stopped contact. Yes, I have opened a claim with the CSA but as my ex is self-employed (or at least was), he's untouchable in the short and medium terms. Eventually, I feel quite sure, when it's a choice of pay up or go to jail, he'll pay up. But we are years off that. Our youngest child is 18 months old. It's going to be a long old haul! In the meantime, he paid his girlfriend a lovely salary to cut down on his child maintenance obligations whilst she worked a full time job elsewhere. Nice, eh?! No wonder they can afford those holidays!!!!

Now, what do you expect me to do? I am more than happy to do the right thing by our children, but who the hell is going to get my ex's head out of his backside and make him face up to his responsiblities?!

And you know what, for good measure, my ex left me in a hospital bed for 2 days with his new born baby, refusing point blank to visit with our older children. And when my dad died, he refused to allow me to make the journey to deal with things (I'm an only child) with our children, writing to me that he would bring them for the funeral. He didn't. My children will more than likely never meet my aunt (lives abroad, likely the next funeral will be hers) and what right does my ex have to keep our children from us at a time like that? Mothers (and fathers) the world over have stopped access for far smaller issues than that.

I am tired of being the bigger person. I am tired full stop. It takes two people to parent children. Why am I left doing it on my own? My ex could take me to court for contact if I stopped but the courts can't make him face up to his responsiblities, can they? How is that fair?

You need to explain all of this to your case worker at the CSA. Are they aware of his attempts to deprive himself of income? Have you any proof of his holidays and other spending?

I really do symapthise with you, but it really is none of the children's fault that their father is a complete !!!!!!, they are still entitled to a relationship with him. By cutting contact, the only ones who will be hurt are them.

pinkpig08

Flyboy152 wrote: »

Secondly, it is not up to the NRP to fund anything for the PWC.

But she is incurring the petrol costs for HIM, so it doesn't cost HIM as much to see his son.

My husband is an NRP, and we have had our various issues with the PWC so I am not siding with anyone in particular here, but I can see what the OP is getting at.

Flyboy152

pupsicola wrote: »

You have no idea about my background and why I think that way. So much for freedom of speech. I will have my own opinion on things without your approval thanks very much

I have no reason to learn anything about you, the fact that you are willing to advice someone to block contact, to force an errant NRP to pay more support tells me all I need to know but you.

Flyboy152

pinkpig08 wrote: »

HE moved away. It was his choice to move so far away from his chid. That gives me a clue.

It doesn't make the slightest difference, that he moved away. The fact that he also drives three hundred hundred miles, to facilitate contact with his child, should be enough to give anyone a clue to his level of commitment.