Advice needed, ex and child contact :-(

clearingout

oh what a nightmare! speaking as someone with a self-employed ex (well, he used to be, no idea what he's up to these days) who receives nothing at all in child maintenance through the CSA, I'd advise you to be careful. Accountants can make money disappear, that's for sure! Or in my ex's case you can stick your fingers in your ears, your head in the sand and say lalalalalalalalalalalalalala I'm not listening until eventually, years and years down the line, they threaten you with prison. I'm 2 years in and counting...!

I am actually facing the same driving issue and the fact that I don't have the money at all to do half the driving in my current budget. I am actually at the point of getting rid of the car. Ex won't listen.

I haven't helped - but at least you know you're not the only one.

littlemiss1986_2

Thanks for all replies. I really don't want to DS to suffer in all of this. I do everything I can to make sure he see's him. A few months ago when my car was in the garage I hired one just so he could get up there (incidentally when his car did the same he asked me to drive the whole way which I did not to rock the boat...). The idea of driving either just on a Friday or Sunday is something I have considered but as someone has said I wouldn't feel happy doing a 600 mile trip on my own (I don't particularly enjoy driving at the best of times!). I think I'm going to ask him firmly but politely one more time that I'd like the £20 extra just to
cover petrol and I guess if he says no I'll just get on with it because it's DS that's important after all.

ford_prefect_3

littlemiss1986 wrote: »

Thanks for all replies. I really don't want to DS to suffer in all of this. I do everything I can to make sure he see's him. A few months ago when my car was in the garage I hired one just so he could get up there (incidentally when his car did the same he asked me to drive the whole way which I did not to rock the boat...). The idea of driving either just on a Friday or Sunday is something I have considered but as someone has said I wouldn't feel happy doing a 600 mile trip on my own (I don't particularly enjoy driving at the best of times!). I think I'm going to ask him firmly but politely one more time that I'd like the £20 extra just to
cover petrol and I guess if he says no I'll just get on with it because it's DS that's important after all.

"....if he says no I'll just get on with it because it's DS that's important after all"

And for that you should be commended, can I swap you for my ex who has exactly the opposite view?

As an aside have you tried asking your ex to help with direct purchases for your son like shoes etc? That way he may feel that his extra spending is for his boy and not your other child as many fathers do feel that the maintenance often appears to be paying for things they dont see as related to there own children/responsibility.

pupsicola

Your ex is messing you around. If he is working full time as an electrician and living at home with mummy and daddy he cant be as hard up as he would like you to believe.

It shouldn't be down to you to put yourself out so he maintains contact with his son. A good father would take full responsibility of that on himself. Whilst you put up with his arrogance he will continue to behave the same way.

Must admit the first thing that crossed my mind is how much of a benefit to your son would it really be to have contact with such a selfish, mean dad.

Caroline_a

2 wrongs don't make a right, and when my ex paid no maintenance at all for my DD I never stopped him seeing her. However, we did for the most part split the take and fetch duties, and I think your ex is taking the michael by making you do the running around. I think now that your situation has changed you need to say to him that you can't afford this any more. If he is responsible towards his child then he will do his bit. What would happen if you were ill and couldnt do all the running around - would he simply stop seeing him?

I think that children need to be taught that not everything is always affordable (mini MSE's!), mine were always taught that if mum couldnt afford things then that was how it was. I do feel that many parents who get themselves into debt by giving their children what they can't afford don't do either themselves or their children any favours. 'Can't afford' doesnt mean 'dont have the money but I'll see if I can borrow it'....

Saying to your youngster, Mummy can't take you to see Daddy because we can't afford it this week, but maybe we can go next week/the week after is disappointing but not the end of the world. You aren't stopping him seeing his dad after all, just fitting what you can do into your budget.

Flyboy152

littlemiss1986 wrote: »

I wish I could be strong, but I know that if I put my foot down and say he has to pay extra/drive further he will just say forget it and not see him and I don't know how you explain that to a 3 year old :-(

Seeing as he has been willing to make the effort of driving three hundred miles every two weeks, it would not be automatically read that he will do this. Money and contact are two different things entirely. Are you willing to jeopardise your son's opportunity to continue a relationship with his father. You are quite at liberty to go to the CSA (and I would advice you consider it, at least research the procedures), but be cautioned that it could cause some more animosity between you and your ex-partner and your son will suffer in the fall out.

FYI, if his monthly income is more than five hundred and thirty pounds, the CSA will award you more than the eighty pounds he is paying you. But be sure that is what you want, because this is where it starts to get messy. If he is earnings an obscene amount of money, then go for it. But if he is truly struggling on the money he earns, think long and hard about what it will mean to you all if you go to the CSA.

If it comes to you stopping contact and he objects, you will be facing more stress and upheaval if he attempts to remedy this by going to the courts. A judge is likely to order you to continue the arrangement as it stands today, but you will have spent thousands of pounds to find this out, meanwhile you have may have caused a lot of heartache for your son.

Flyboy152

happy35 wrote: »

you could always give the option of seeing his son once every 3 weekends as that is all the travelling his maintenance covers, if he wants to keep to the current arrangement he has to pay more. When you go back to work and your husband has retrained then depending on your circs if the arrangement has gone to 3 weekly you can make the decision if fortnightly is better for your son you can subsidise the travel

I can understand that you want your son to have contact with his dad but don't think that you should be out of pocket to ensure this happens. Contact is a two way thing and your ex will have to meet you some way as a compromise, he isn't really paying you maintenance if you are using the money on petrol for visits whereas maintenance should be for food, clothes etc for your son

The OP's ex-is meeting half way, he drives three hundred miles every two weeks. Reducing contact to every three weeks will hurt one person more than any of them and that is the one who least deserves it.

Flyboy152

74jax wrote: »

My ex and I live a 3 hours journey away. I take my daughter over on a Friday and he brings her back on the Sunday. We do this every fortnight. I do think it unfair that you do all the driving. The money he pays you is for the day to day essentials of bringing up your child NOT for you and transport of taking the child to see him.

I would suggest he either jointly does the travelling or you cut it to every 3 weeks.

If you can't afford it then you can't do it.

The OP doesn't do all the driving, he meets her half way.

Flyboy152

pupsicola wrote: »

Your ex is messing you around. If he is working full time as an electrician and living at home with mummy and daddy he cant be as hard up as he would like you to believe.

It shouldn't be down to you to put yourself out so he maintains contact with his son. A good father would take full responsibility of that on himself. Whilst you put up with his arrogance he will continue to behave the same way.

Must admit the first thing that crossed my mind is how much of a benefit to your son would it really be to have contact with such a selfish, mean dad.

What a thing to say. You have no idea how important it is for child to have a relationship with a parent. Just because his parents have issues about money, that is no way the child's fault.

Flyboy152

Caroline_a wrote: »

2 wrongs don't make a right, and when my ex paid no maintenance at all for my DD I never stopped him seeing her. However, we did for the most part split the take and fetch duties, and I think your ex is taking the michael by making you do the running around. I think now that your situation has changed you need to say to him that you can't afford this any more. If he is responsible towards his child then he will do his bit. What would happen if you were ill and couldnt do all the running around - would he simply stop seeing him?

I think that children need to be taught that not everything is always affordable (mini MSE's!), mine were always taught that if mum couldnt afford things then that was how it was. I do feel that many parents who get themselves into debt by giving their children what they can't afford don't do either themselves or their children any favours. 'Can't afford' doesnt mean 'dont have the money but I'll see if I can borrow it'....

Saying to your youngster, Mummy can't take you to see Daddy because we can't afford it this week, but maybe we can go next week/the week after is disappointing but not the end of the world. You aren't stopping him seeing his dad after all, just fitting what you can do into your budget.

It is not a child's fault that his parents can't agree on money issues. But deliberately refusing to take him to see his father, when he only sees him once a fortnight, is one of the cruelest things a parent can do.