Advice needed, ex and child contact :-(

Flyboy152

pinkpig08 wrote: »

But the suggestions are not to simply 'cut contact'. The OP is driving 3.5 hours every weekend to maintain the contact at significant cost to herself. The ex moved away, therefore it should be his responsibility to bear the cost of maintaining a relationship with his son. The OP would not be saying 'you can't see XX because you won't give me more money'. She would be saying 'I would like you to carry on seeing XX but I cannot afford to spend £80+ per month on fuel by meeting you halfway.'

If I had to travel 300 miles to see my child every week I would do it in a heartbeat. Personally I question how bothered the ex is about maintaining contact if he is unwilling to budge.

And the fact that he also drives three hundred miles doesn't give you a clue?

Blackpool_Saver

I would cut it down to 2 weekends per month, that way your son also experiences weekends at home with you and his new baby sister/brother

Flyboy152

clearingout wrote: »

Speaking from experience, I have every understanding just how important it is for the children to continue a relationship with their father and have done everything within my powers to continue with that relationship. But he has just moved 250 miles away, he pays no maintenance, I am living on the breadline and personally go without as it is (one pair of shoes purchased in the last 15 months, one haircut in the last 18 months, for example and I had gone without for years prior to that as my ex and I had been trying to build a business). How about my ex goes without? In the last two years he has been on 3 foreign holidays, bought a ton of new clothes, furnished a 3 bed house, been to the theatre, on spa days, to music festivals etc. etc. etc. for 18 months we had a shared care arrangement in place yet it was me who paid for childcare on 'his' days, it was me who paid pre-school fees when our child didn't qualify for government funding etc. etc. etc.

Please, tell me, from where do you expect me to find the estimated £100 a month it's going to cost me to do half of the driving for the children to see their father? We already eat value food, turn the heating off, buy toys and clothes second hand, sell our souls on ebay....I don't have that kind of money. Believe me, I want the odd weekend off and I want our children to know their father but just how far is this going to go? It takes two people to parent a child so how come only one of us has to face up to that responsiblity?

Have you stopped your child from having contact with his father? Why haven't you opened a claim with the CSA?

Flyboy152

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

I would cut it down to 2 weekends per month, that way your son also experiences weekends at home with you and his new baby sister/brother

And now the fifth one who hasn't bothered reading the OP.

Blackpool_Saver

Flyboy152 wrote: »

And now the fifth one who hasn't bothered reading the OP.

Do you mean that she is scared that cutting down will stop him all together?

What point have I missed?

Flyboy152

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

Do you mean that she is scared that cutting down will stop him all together?

What point have I missed?

The point that contact is every two weeks (twice a month).

KiKi

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

Do you mean that she is scared that cutting down will stop him all together?

What point have I missed?

You suggested that father have him every other weekend - which is what the arrangement already is. Two weekends a month.

OP, it sounds like perhaps the grandparents have more of a vested interest in their grandson than your ex. I agree with Flyboy that you're both driving halfway, and you're both paying out petrol money for that - but you're paying housing, clothing, food, bills and nursery costs whilst he isn't.

I think a possible way forward is for you to speak to the grandparents (not via your ex). Explain to them your financial predicament. You desperately want your son to see them, and his dad - but THEIR son is only giving you £80 a month to cover bringing him up, and that money isn't buying the clothes and things he needs. Because you're having to spend money out on raising him whilst on mat leave, you can't afford the costs of driving up every two weekends.

Of course, their son is paying to drive every two weekends, too, but then he's not paying for nursery fees as well!

So you're phoning them to ask for their help - do they have any suggestions as how to make this financially easier for you, whilst still ensuring DS has contact with them and their son?

You never know, they might give their son a kick up the backside - or offer to help financially. If they're both solicitors, they might offer you the £20 themselves.

HTH - and kudos to you for not playing games with your child.
KiKi

Blackpool_Saver

Flyboy152 wrote: »

The point that contact is every two weeks (twice a month).

Yikes, so I did, well in that case it would be a shame to cut it down further, I would press for more money to fund the trips then.

Loopy_Girl

Flyboy152 wrote: »

The point that contact is every two weeks (twice a month).

And the point is that the OP cannot afford to continue paying for the petrol in order for these visits to continue. She is not even asking for any child support, merely asking for the money to cover the petrol.

So we have a Dad who is unwilling to contribute more than £80 a month (as a s/e sparky who has no housing costs) and a Mum who is desperate to continue access but just cannot afford it.

So instead of aggressive counting going on, a compromise really is the best solution - unless you would advocate that the Mum gets into huge amounts of debt?

Your point is post 17 states that 'if he earns £530+ then you will get more than the £80'.
As he is self employed, what is earned and what is earned on paper are massively different. So to say that if he earns over a certain figure then a CSA amount would be awarded is not true.

And the fact that he is not willing to hand over and extra £5 a week to help with petrol to see his Son (and it was his choice to moce away) would suggest to me that the CSA would have a job on their hands getting any kind of payment.

No one is suggesting that contact should be stopped dead but the situation is untenable at the moment. So a compromise would seem more appropriate.

clearingout

Flyboy152 wrote: »

Have you stopped your child from having contact with his father? Why haven't you opened a claim with the CSA?

No, I have not stopped contact. Yes, I have opened a claim with the CSA but as my ex is self-employed (or at least was), he's untouchable in the short and medium terms. Eventually, I feel quite sure, when it's a choice of pay up or go to jail, he'll pay up. But we are years off that. Our youngest child is 18 months old. It's going to be a long old haul! In the meantime, he paid his girlfriend a lovely salary to cut down on his child maintenance obligations whilst she worked a full time job elsewhere. Nice, eh?! No wonder they can afford those holidays!!!!

Now, what do you expect me to do? I am more than happy to do the right thing by our children, but who the hell is going to get my ex's head out of his backside and make him face up to his responsiblities?!

And you know what, for good measure, my ex left me in a hospital bed for 2 days with his new born baby, refusing point blank to visit with our older children. And when my dad died, he refused to allow me to make the journey to deal with things (I'm an only child) with our children, writing to me that he would bring them for the funeral. He didn't. My children will more than likely never meet my aunt (lives abroad, likely the next funeral will be hers) and what right does my ex have to keep our children from us at a time like that? Mothers (and fathers) the world over have stopped access for far smaller issues than that.

I am tired of being the bigger person. I am tired full stop. It takes two people to parent children. Why am I left doing it on my own? My ex could take me to court for contact if I stopped but the courts can't make him face up to his responsiblities, can they? How is that fair?