Advice needed, ex and child contact :-(

littlemiss1986_2

Hi All,

Often read this forum but have never posted but having read the advice given to others in similar situations I could really do with an unbiased opinion!

I have DS who is 3.5 (also DD 4 months with current partner). I split up with DS father when he was just under a year old. It wasn't a particularly amicable split, I started a new job which was alot better paid than his, he couldn't handle it and left. There were alot of angry words and through his choice he didn't see DS for a few months. Since DS has been about 18 months old he has had him every other weekend. He never has him for any longer than this despite me saying that if he wanted him for a week etc it would be fine. He chooses not to for whatever reason. He lives 300 miles away from us as he moved back in with his parents after we split and this is where he has remained. As it is so far away I drive half way to drop DS off and pick him up (we meet at a service station on the motorway) this takes 3.5 hours each trip on a Friday/Sunday night. My partner is in the army and away mon-fri, he doesn't get back until late so I have to drop DD at my mums beforehand. I do all this because I think it's important that DS remains in contact with his father.

Now, my issue is money (isn't it always!). I am on maternity pay at the moment and with a huge mortgage things are tight. Not unmanagable but tight. My ex contributes £80 per month toward DS. He says he cannot afford anymore (he works full time as an electrician and lives with his parents...). I have never asked for anymore as I didn't want to cause an argument, but now that £80 is not even covering the petrol it costs to take DS up and back. I have asked ex for maybe just £20 more and he catorgorically says no. I have mentioned the CSA and he just laughs saying I would get even less.

I don't know what to do, I don't want DS to stop seeing his dad but I cannot afford to keep driving up and back. Am I being selfish? Is it more important that he keeps contact than I'm out of pocket? I just don't know. Any advice on what I should do appreciated.

Plans_all_plans

Do you plan to go back to work? If so and your earnings potentital will increase after maternity, then personally I'd keep driving up and down in order to maintain contact.

HOWEVER, if you go to the CSA, are you likely to get more, do you know? If so, then it is probably worth going through them and formalising the arrangement.

littlemiss1986_2

Yes Im going back to work in June, however my partner is coming out the army in October to retrain so for a few months we will be even worse off. I just feel like I should put my foot down and insist he covers the cost of petrol but Im scared if I do he'll stop contact and that isn't fair on DS. As for the CSA I have no idea, he's self employed so I imagine it would be like getting blood from a stone and again Im worried if I involve them he'll stop contact. It breaks my heart he isn't interested in his son.

Plans_all_plans

I do feel for your son in this situation.

Maybe try posting this on the Child Support board as well: there are some on there who have direct experience of this sort of thing who can tell you what they've done. It's under Benefits and Tax Credits.

cat04

Hi, I don't know if my thread is one of the ones you've read, but I'm having problems with my ex too over maintenance and visits, although in my case he hardly sees our girls. If he won't even give you £20 extra a month, to provide for his own son, maybe you should go down the lines of 'I really can't afford to meet you half way with DD as petrol prices have gone up/can't afford it/whatever your circumstances are so you'll have to come and pick him up from me'. If he really wants to see his son he will either stump up the extra £20 or he will drive the full distance to come and collect him.

My ex had the kids regularly when he was taking them to his parents house (in the time between selling the family home and moving in with his GF). I think this was for 2 reasons. 1) He had help with the childcare, and always had someone to help entertain them, and 2) His mum loves having them, so I would imagine there would be some unsaid pressure put on him to have them so she could see them.

From your ex's point of view he's got it great. £80 a month isn't much in the grand scheme of things, he's got someone to deliver his son half way and someone to help look after his son when he does have him. If you think you know how much he earns, have you tried putting the amounts into the CSA calculator and seeing what figure that gives you as a rough idea?

Don't let him take further advantage of you (like I did for many years). You need to do what's best for DD. You're not stopping ex from seeing DD, just saying you can't afford to help with drop off/collection.

HTH a little x

Edit: Lots of others posted whilst I was typing! Just seen that your ex is SE, so as you say, CSA might not be the best route for you.

RAS

Do you have any idea what your ex's salary is?

He may be able to claim a reduction for his high contact osts and if he has junior more than 1 night a week - check this out on the Child Support forum (see benefits)

If he earns more than more then about £700 per month, you would be better under the CSA, I think. BUT he might just jack his job in.

littlemiss1986_2

I wish I could be strong, but I know that if I put my foot down and say he has to pay extra/drive further he will just say forget it and not see him and I don't know how you explain that to a 3 year old :-(

happy35

you could always give the option of seeing his son once every 3 weekends as that is all the travelling his maintenance covers, if he wants to keep to the current arrangement he has to pay more. When you go back to work and your husband has retrained then depending on your circs if the arrangement has gone to 3 weekly you can make the decision if fortnightly is better for your son you can subsidise the travel

I can understand that you want your son to have contact with his dad but don't think that you should be out of pocket to ensure this happens. Contact is a two way thing and your ex will have to meet you some way as a compromise, he isn't really paying you maintenance if you are using the money on petrol for visits whereas maintenance should be for food, clothes etc for your son

littlemiss1986_2

He's a self employed electrician and from what he makes out works all hours. I can't imagine he's earning less than £1500 PCM but I honestly don't know. I will post on the CSA bored as well, thankyou.

74jax

My ex and I live a 3 hours journey away. I take my daughter over on a Friday and he brings her back on the Sunday. We do this every fortnight. I do think it unfair that you do all the driving. The money he pays you is for the day to day essentials of bringing up your child NOT for you and transport of taking the child to see him.

I would suggest he either jointly does the travelling or you cut it to every 3 weeks.

If you can't afford it then you can't do it.

ford_prefect_3

A couple of observations from your OP.

You say the ex lives at his parents which may go some way to explain why he doesnt have his son for extended periods as it may be unworkable logistically.

A child is a shared responsibility and it appears you share the weekends and the pick up drop off fairly by having a change over which is also more sensible from a safety perspective. I see one of the replies is to make him do all the driving, not sure about anyone else but I wouldnt do a 600 mile round trip on my own like that as it would put the childs safety at risk.

You also have to consider that everyone has been hit by increased fuel costs so both sides will be feeling the costs.

You could go via the CSA but as he is self employed its in his interests to pay as little tax as he can which means his accountant will have done a good job in doing that, the knock on effect of that will be that the maintenance calculation may not come out any different to what your already getting and may come out less.

I see many comments on the thread which have made the time your son see's his father into a commodity offset. I have to ask those ladies who have said to reduce the contact if he wont pay more, why are you punishing the child in that way as its the child that you will be adversely affecting by taking him away from his father?