Advice needed, ex and child contact :-(

soupdragon10

I notice that in addition to meeting your ex half way, you also have to leave your 4 month old child with your parents while you do this. Surely your ex should appreciate that a new baby changes things considerably for you, particularly having to drive such a distance at the end of the week.

You mention that he lives with his parents, but how involved are they, and how well (or not) do you get on with them. Grandparents can sometimes be good intermediaries as long as you get on OK with them. This was the case with a friend who had problems with her ex - his parents told him to pay up to support his child reasonably and were happy because they got to see their grandchild regularly.

littlemiss1986_2

Well I rang him last night to discuss and he was out for the night with his GF so couldn't talk. So I've done the cowardly thing and sent him an email detailing the problem, what I'd like (£20 a month extra so that my petrol costs are covered) and asking where we go from here. He's due to have DS tomorrow so will see what he says when I meet him. I get on quite well with his parents, they absolutely adore DS (I think that deep down their relationship with him is one of the reasons Im so desperate to maintain contact) but unfortunately they both work full time (as solicitors so all hours) so aren't really in a position to help any more than they do. A couple of times at weekends I've rang the house to change pick up time and both times my ex had been out and his mum was looking after DS. Absolutely no problem with that as he adores his nan but I get the impression when DS is there they do alot of looking after him. He talks about his grandparents when he's here but NEVER talks about his dad unless I encourage it. The idea of getting him to pay for things DS directly needs is a great one and believe me I've tried, he's not interested. When I was working I suggested he wrote a cheque to DS nursery every month to help pay for that but after one month writing a cheque as opposed to chucking cash in my car at a service station proved to difficult and it stopped. Hints that DS needs new shoes/ new coat fall on deaf ears...,

slightlyconfused1

Hi

If your ex refuses to give a little more then why not, as suggested above, change visits to one weekend in 3? DS still gets to see grandparents and ex and there will be less stress all around. It will also give your "new" family more time together.

If you say to ex that you really cannot afford the petrol but you would are working hard to maintain contact and so this is all you can afford he will have to accept this if he really cannot afford anymore or cut back on his lifestyle a bit.

I agree contact with both parents is important but ds can always talk to your ex on the phone to maintain contact on the weekend he doesn't see him. (talk being a loose term for a 3 yr old on the phone)

good luck.

Bubby

I agree that contact with both parents for a child is very important, however put yourself in your ds's shoes how would you feel if you found out that your dad only saw you because your mum took you there and that if she didn't he wouldn't have seen you?
There is no point in forcing a relationship, by all means encourage it and also make sure that ds is always available to see him but you are making a rod for your own back and your ds's if you "make" them have a relationship.

ford_prefect_3

Flyboy152 wrote: »

What a thing to say. You have no idea how important it is for child to have a relationship with a parent. Just because his parents have issues about money, that is no way the child's fault.

You have to wonder back reading the thread how many of the people who responded who think its ok to use the child as a weapon and punish the child actually understood that both parents share the transport equally?

It always amazes me how so many "caring" mothers advise others to simply cut contact without for a nanosecond considering the damage it does to the children.

I think the OP needs commending for her efforts to keep the issue of maintenance and contact seperate and to do her best for the son they have together. Its a shame all those other "caring" mothers dont take a leaf out of her book and think of the child first before they pour forth with ideas which will only damage the child.

ford_prefect_3

littlemiss1986 wrote: »

Well I rang him last night to discuss and he was out for the night with his GF so couldn't talk. So I've done the cowardly thing and sent him an email detailing the problem, what I'd like (£20 a month extra so that my petrol costs are covered) and asking where we go from here. He's due to have DS tomorrow so will see what he says when I meet him. I get on quite well with his parents, they absolutely adore DS (I think that deep down their relationship with him is one of the reasons Im so desperate to maintain contact) but unfortunately they both work full time (as solicitors so all hours) so aren't really in a position to help any more than they do. A couple of times at weekends I've rang the house to change pick up time and both times my ex had been out and his mum was looking after DS. Absolutely no problem with that as he adores his nan but I get the impression when DS is there they do alot of looking after him. He talks about his grandparents when he's here but NEVER talks about his dad unless I encourage it. The idea of getting him to pay for things DS directly needs is a great one and believe me I've tried, he's not interested. When I was working I suggested he wrote a cheque to DS nursery every month to help pay for that but after one month writing a cheque as opposed to chucking cash in my car at a service station proved to difficult and it stopped. Hints that DS needs new shoes/ new coat fall on deaf ears...,

I shall let you into a little secret about men, hints dont work, hence why those hints you make about birthday and christmas presents turn into a box of roses and some petrol station flowers.

You need to be direct in the communication and use terms like "our son needs" new shoes/coat/whatever and you might find its more effective.

Make him understand its a shared responsibility as your costs are going to rise with school uniform, school shoes etc in a years time and if he feels part of the process he is more likely to engage.

You mention the nursery fees but he wont see that as paying for the son, he will see that as paying for you to go out and earn money.

Unfortunately it may just be that he is a bit of a !!!!!! and it wont work, but it is worth a try.

pinkpig08

ford_prefect wrote: »

You have to wonder back reading the thread how many of the people who responded who think its ok to use the child as a weapon and punish the child actually understood that both parents share the transport equally?

It always amazes me how so many "caring" mothers advise others to simply cut contact without for a nanosecond considering the damage it does to the children.

I think the OP needs commending for her efforts to keep the issue of maintenance and contact seperate and to do her best for the son they have together. Its a shame all those other "caring" mothers dont take a leaf out of her book and think of the child first before they pour forth with ideas which will only damage the child.

But the suggestions are not to simply 'cut contact'. The OP is driving 3.5 hours every weekend to maintain the contact at significant cost to herself. The ex moved away, therefore it should be his responsibility to bear the cost of maintaining a relationship with his son. The OP would not be saying 'you can't see XX because you won't give me more money'. She would be saying 'I would like you to carry on seeing XX but I cannot afford to spend £80+ per month on fuel by meeting you halfway.'

If I had to travel 300 miles to see my child every week I would do it in a heartbeat. Personally I question how bothered the ex is about maintaining contact if he is unwilling to budge.

clearingout

Flyboy152 wrote: »

What a thing to say. You have no idea how important it is for child to have a relationship with a parent. Just because his parents have issues about money, that is no way the child's fault.

Speaking from experience, I have every understanding just how important it is for the children to continue a relationship with their father and have done everything within my powers to continue with that relationship. But he has just moved 250 miles away, he pays no maintenance, I am living on the breadline and personally go without as it is (one pair of shoes purchased in the last 15 months, one haircut in the last 18 months, for example and I had gone without for years prior to that as my ex and I had been trying to build a business). How about my ex goes without? In the last two years he has been on 3 foreign holidays, bought a ton of new clothes, furnished a 3 bed house, been to the theatre, on spa days, to music festivals etc. etc. etc. for 18 months we had a shared care arrangement in place yet it was me who paid for childcare on 'his' days, it was me who paid pre-school fees when our child didn't qualify for government funding etc. etc. etc.

Please, tell me, from where do you expect me to find the estimated £100 a month it's going to cost me to do half of the driving for the children to see their father? We already eat value food, turn the heating off, buy toys and clothes second hand, sell our souls on ebay....I don't have that kind of money. Believe me, I want the odd weekend off and I want our children to know their father but just how far is this going to go? It takes two people to parent a child so how come only one of us has to face up to that responsiblity?

Flyboy152

slightlyconfused1 wrote: »

Hi

If your ex refuses to give a little more then why not, as suggested above, change visits to one weekend in 3? DS still gets to see grandparents and ex and there will be less stress all around. It will also give your "new" family more time together.

If you say to ex that you really cannot afford the petrol but you would are working hard to maintain contact and so this is all you can afford he will have to accept this if he really cannot afford anymore or cut back on his lifestyle a bit.

I agree contact with both parents is important but ds can always talk to your ex on the phone to maintain contact on the weekend he doesn't see him. (talk being a loose term for a 3 yr old on the phone)

good luck.

Sorry, I have take issue with this. It is not the child's fault that ths parents can't agree on money. There is no reason why the child should not be allowed to continue to have contact with his father on the same basis as before. On the question of stress, his parents stress levels are somewhat irrelevant in priority, compared to their son's anxieties.

Flyboy152

Bubby wrote: »

I agree that contact with both parents for a child is very important, however put yourself in your ds's shoes how would you feel if you found out that your dad only saw you because your mum took you there and that if she didn't he wouldn't have seen you?
There is no point in forcing a relationship, by all means encourage it and also make sure that ds is always available to see him but you are making a rod for your own back and your ds's if you "make" them have a relationship.

Look, this is about the fourth poster on this thread who hasn't read the OP properly.

I drive half way to drop DS off and pick him up

No one is forcing any relationship.