long term relationship v marriage

Torry_Quine

ViolaLass wrote: »

I dispute that your questions were appropriate and your value judgment of their choice is, IMO, really inappropriate, especially given what this thread has been about (people's reactions to other people's choices when the choices don't affect those making the judgments).

I think we'll have to agree to disagree! The fact is that how we live our lives does impact on others in this case and I did say I was glad it worked for them.

Poly,put_the_kettle_on

I wish I could multiquote as well as I manage multiple relationships.

I was using my situation to illustrate the difficulties language, or a lack of, causes. I'm always happy to answer questions- and glad if I provide enlightenment. There are hundreds of thousands of people in unconventional relationships in the UK- and worldwide there are plenty of places in which non-mono is the norm. They're a fairly silent minority, but I stick my neck out in the personal, possibly vain hope, that I can dispel some myths and that we might one day be recognised as being perfectly normal, and not sicko's or perverts.

Anyway, I really don't want the thread to turn into one about me- so there ya go.

ViolaLass

Torry_Quine wrote: »

The fact is that how we live our lives does impact on others in this case

Unless you are the husband or involved with Poly in some way that I don't know about, then that's just not true (that it impacts you). Just to clarify, I was talking about whether it was any of your business what Poly's husband thinks of her having (or not having, as the case may be) an affair.

Poly,put_the_kettle_on

Wow- people are making amends and agreeing to disagree politely all over the shop. Why can't this happen in DT? Feel the love, people!:j

Torry_Quine

ViolaLass wrote: »

Unless you are the husband or involved with Poly in some way that I don't know about, then that's just not true (that it impacts you). Just to clarify, I was talking about whether it was any of your business what Poly's husband thinks of her having (or not having, as the case may be) an affair.

I didn't mean that it impacts me per se! To clarify I meant that if we are involved in 'unconventional' relationships it has a wider impact on the community at large. As to her husband I did not know then that the husband was fully aware and complicit in the relationship and that has now been explained. I bear no ill will towards anyone involved.

vesper

I have this same problem, I have been with my OH for 8 years now and got told the other week that we couldn't celebrate an anniversary as we didn't have one as we weren't married (we celebrate the anniversary of when we got together). I just call him my Other Half now as don't think boyfriend sums up the relationship anymore.
Saying that these days most people presume that we are married anyway, I just can't be bothered to correct them as marriage means nothing different to us. We are completely happy right though one day we are going to get married, just have bigger priorities right now such as buying a house together, that to me seems like a bigger commitment than getting married.

I also got looked down at xmas as one of my friends told me that her relationship was more solid than mine because she was married and I wasn't. This is despite the fact that she has only been with him for 18 months. This is not the only occasion of this happening.

catkins

Well I am pretty old fashioned and believe strongly in marriage. I appreciate that couples often live together for years but persoanlly cannot understand why they do not get married, especially if they have children. I think a lot of them do not realise just how little rights they have should the other become ill or die.

To be honest it makes me laugh that people do not wish to get married and yet call each other "husband" and "wife"! I know a couple who maintain they are perfectly happy living together and never want to get married and yet she wears a wedding ring!

Plans_all_plans

catkins wrote: »

I know a couple who maintain they are perfectly happy living together and never want to get married and yet she wears a wedding ring!

He doesn't want to get married, she does: I think this is often the case (given what I've heard from friends of mine who are unmarried)

anguk

OP, if you're happy it's none of anyone else's business if you're married or not just as it's none of anyone else's business if you want to call your boyfriend/partner/other half your husband.

Too many people think their opinion is so important and right that they have to voice it when they should keep quiet.

I must admit I do struggle to see how a couple who were married then divorced after a few years could be classed as more committed than a couple who are unmarried but who have been together 20 years plus? Just because they've been married?

For those complaining about US definitions of "husband" here's the origin of the word according to the Oxford English Dictionary:

Origin:
late Old English (in the senses ‘male head of a household’ and ‘manager, steward’), from Old Norse h!sb!ndi 'master of a house', from h!s 'house' + b!ndi 'occupier and tiller of the soil'.

http://oxforddictionaries.com/view/entry/m_en_gb0392670#m_en_gb0392670

So really anyone can call a man their husband if he's the "male head of the household".

inkie

I must admit, I am a traditionalist. I'm 39 and have been married 18 years. We were both very clear about marriage being for us - I am a minister of religion and so not being married just never entered our heads. We wanted to make the promise to 'keep only unto him/her' as long as we both shall live. So far, so good :-)