long term relationship v marriage

Gavin83

building_with_lego wrote: »

Plus you have the issue of what to call each other- 'partner' makes my OH edgy in case people think I'm another man (!) and 'girlfriend'/ 'boyfriend' doesn't convey the level of commitment we have.

I don't like the term partner either. I don't however see girlfriend and boyfriend as having less commitment so I'll happily call my girlfriend by that name until (if) we get married.

pupsicola

I would ignore other peoples comments and opinions on your relationship They have something missing from their own lives that they take such an interest in yours and feel the need to give their opinion.

Being married just means you have a bit of paper. It doesn't make your relationship any stronger or guarantee you wont split.
The only people you should consider is yourselves and if you are happy with the way things are then thats fine.

Pee

skypie123 wrote: »

There IS something special about this status - they are married and have made that commitment to each other and want to show the world how they feel.
Strikes me its the people who are 'anti-marriage' that always want to knock those who have made this commitment and yet still want to be able to refer to each other as hubby or wife.
You are NOT hubby and wife you didn't get married.
Perhaps if the term partner doesn't sit well with you maybe you should rethink your views on marriage. Maybe you aren't as cool with not being married as you think.
After all if you are committed to each other whats the problem with getting married?

I don't like the term partner so I use and am perfectly happy to use the term boyfriend. (I can see why other people don't like that. I really hate common law spouse as there is no such thing in England and Wales, I think it's different in Scotland.)

I think the answer is that it's one of these pet annoyances you will have to put up with, unless you decide to go down the marriage route.

I do see it the other way, if you are commited where is the need to get married.

I'll admit that I am biased. In my work I see a lot of people who decided to get married because things weren't working, and guess what, they found that mariage didn't make it work any better. That doesn't mean that I don't believe you can be happily married just that I see a lot of people who aren't.

I don't see being married as a big commitment because it so often isn't for life and is relatively easy to get out of.

ViolaLass

building_with_lego wrote: »

. For example we are extremely unlikely to marry unless one of us is desperately ill (inheritance tax...)

What if you don't get any warning that the other is about to die e.g. they go under a bus?

If you're not inherently opposed to marriage and you know that inheritance tax will become relevant at some point (if your estates are over the limit) then why not just get married?

I have no issues on whether people get married or not although I do find it curious that someone who is not married and doesn't want to get married would refer to their partner as their husband. You don't want to get married but don't mind other people thinking you're married?

Plans_all_plans

Pee wrote: »

I don't see being married as a big commitment because it so often isn't for life and is relatively easy to get out of.

As you say, it depends entirely on how you view marriage. I believe marriage is for life, as does my husband. No-one in either of our wider families has ever got divorced (most of them have been married 20 plus years) so it would really be a massive thing for everyone if it ever happened.

Also, given we're religious, we couldn't ever get married again if we divorced anyway!

Torry_Quine

It is entirely your personal choice and you should get married or not as you wish not what others thinks. However if you aren't married then the use of the terms husband or wife is totally inappropriate and confusing as it suggests you are married when you aren't. Personally I deslike it when someone calls my husband my partner as it implies not being married so exactly the same problem! To me and many others marriage is not just a piece of paper but I can appreciate that not everyone can understand that it is different.

rev_henry

Plans_all_plans wrote: »

As you say, it depends entirely on how you view marriage. I believe marriage is for life, as does my husband. No-one in either of our wider families has ever got divorced (most of them have been married 20 plus years) so it would really be a massive thing for everyone if it ever happened.

Also, given we're religious, we couldn't ever get married again if we divorced anyway!

I agree with this, although I'm not religious anymore really...

Oldernotwiser

Tropez wrote: »

I apologise if you found that statement rude. However, would you have preferred me to lie or not even bother acknowledging your request? Surely, given the fact I stated just how many records exist via a Google search, you can understand my position that trawling record after record is not a productive use of mine (or anyone elses) time.

I can assure you that "whoever" was not "having me on". I can also assure you that "whoever" knows more about the history of language than you, I or anybody else on this forum.

Wikipedia is written by "normal folk" - is it fair to discount everything written on there? As a record of current, popular use of language, Urban Dictionary is actually as relevant as any other, especially given that, like Wikipedia, falsified entries are removed.

You're quoting sources yet admit that you don't even know who or what they are. This hardly puts you in any better position.

You just go on being ruder and ruder, just because you're not prepared to admit you're wrong!

Poly,put_the_kettle_on

Your friend, I would imagine, believes your use of the word hubby somehow denigrates it. It could also be argued that you use the term in order to validate (guess who's studying discursive sociology at the moment...yawn) your relationship, because on some level you believe it to have a lesser status than that of marrieds. I'd argue that whatever your reasons, it's your call. Perhaps we just need another word to "fit" the situation. I dare say that with the number of people in the same situation, language will catch up pretty soon.

I empathise- we look for quick terms to outline our identities, and describe peoples relationships to us in a nutshell as it's something we do so frequently. I have two "significant others"- one is described easily as my husband. The other? He creates a minefield. We're way too old to be boyfriend & girlfriend. Lover? I've been known to use that occasionally, but it makes things sound far less committed than they are in reality. Partner makes it sound like someone I live with- but we don't because we can't. Society has it's norms- breaching them has it's complications.

Stop worrying about what other people think, and get on and enjoy your relationship

Torry_Quine

Poly,put_the_kettle_on wrote: »

Your friend, I would imagine, believes your use of the word hubby somehow denigrates it. It could also be argued that you use the term in order to validate (guess who's studying discursive sociology at the moment...yawn) your relationship, because on some level you believe it to have a lesser status than that of marrieds. I'd argue that whatever your reasons, it's your call. Perhaps we just need another word to "fit" the situation. I dare say that with the number of people in the same situation, language will catch up pretty soon.

I empathise- we look for quick terms to outline our identities, and describe peoples relationships to us in a nutshell as it's something we do so frequently. I have two "significant others"- one is described easily as my husband. The other? He creates a minefield. We're way too old to be boyfriend & girlfriend. Lover? I've been known to use that occasionally, but it makes things sound far less committed than they are in reality. Partner makes it sound like someone I live with- but we don't because we can't. Society has it's norms- breaching them has it's complications.

Stop worrying about what other people think, and get on and enjoy your relationship

I am somewhat confused as to how you have a husband and are also in a relationship with someone else? Does your husband know that you are having an affair and what are his feelings about this?