Weekly Flylady Thread 3rd January 2011

Valli

Craftyscholar wrote: »

Sounds as if he has been sitting with a calculator and several sheets of paper working out how to get to the perfect dream life for you both without thinking what living through the bit before is going to be like.

:T:T
she's not called Crafty for nothing

I'm in the middle of ironing now...

Penelope_Penguin

Seafarer's - more wise words (as ever :A ) from Dusty and Valli :T

If you wait until you can afford to have children, you never will Hope you and DH manage to come to an agreement on things.

Decluttered some Chritmas cake and DS has made dust in the kitchen, despite me asking that he clear everything away before starting to drill

seafarers_wife

Im glad its not me thats read the email and taken it that way.

i would get maternity leave and pay, but in order to get full 12 months, i have to go back to work for 3 months, otherwise i need to pay it all back bar smp which is why he is talking about me leaving the baby in glasgow with my parents who both work full time to go back to durham for 3 months in order to avoid paying back a couple of grand! Our initial thouhts were his mum who doesnt work come and stay with us to look after baby whilst i go back to work. we had discussed this with his mum and she was more than happy to do it when the time comes.

im thinking that he doesnt want to get married and is getting cold feet but his "option" would see it being more expensive since he would be staying with his parents in wales, then having to pay for accomodation in newcastle or glasgow when he does go back to college as well as a 2nd car as we would both need cars as well as me having money for me and whatever baby would need. then there is also my parents not having the room for me back there full time let alone with a baby and all the bits they need, the room i stay in when i visit is ok but you cant fit a cot in there as there is no room, there is only just room for a double bed and a chest of drawers so god knows what he is thinking about. plus we have a cat as well and i cant take my cat to my parents and i wont give him away either!

ive emailed him to ask him if he wants to get married and if not to let me know so i can make arrangements to move elsewhere. and if he says no marriage then god only knows what i will do since i cant move back with my parents and all the money is in his bloomin bank accounts.

froddington

seafarers - firstly a big hug! What a horrible thing to have to read in an email. I don't know all the circumstances but, if it were me, this would be unacceptable. Has he mentioned the wedding? Is he thinking you'd get married but live apart? valli and Dusty both said some sensible things - and I can't imagine why he's suggested you would want to live apart from your baby for 3 months!

You need some time to think about responding to this - don't be hasty - so that you can put your points across and ask him all the questions you need too xx


Still filing .........

sockdrawer

Just wanted to show support for the two FLs who need it.
..... Even if it does sound petty, write it down, at least to clarify your own thoughts. No one needs to see it.

.... really not surprised you're upset by this e-mail. I can't imagine why anyone would think it was ok to propose something like that, especially as, surely, he must know how you feel about marriage, and having children. I would be keeping a low profile and having a good think about how well he knows me if it were me. Also, it's far easier to leave a hypothetical baby with someone's mum than a real one. You tend to get a bit attached! ;)xx

1_step_closer

Helloo!

Flying wise

Did pooh patrol
Replenished bird fat food stuff
Watered all the pots in the garden as they have dried out (actually - go check garden liking people!!!! Plants can suffer in this weather)
Been bashed on the nose by one of the dogs............nose is straighter but hurts like hell
Did grocery shopping as we ran out of everything got some bargains too! And managed not to kill anyone in the process although I was close to it with one woman and their child who were GRABBING selection boxes at reduced prices. Grrrrrrr
Caught up with a friend and saw her 3 week old puppies...........almost smuggled one out!

Lets go look at the list....................wont get all levels done but wont beat myself up about it eitrher!

Welcome newbies...............dont worry if you cant keep up with the thread - I am only managing as I am off until tomorrow!

take care

xxxxxxxx

1_step_closer

Seafarer massive hugs for you. I have no idea what to say/suggest as there are others who are much wiser than me at this but is he really thinking this is ideal? do you want to be with someone who sees life in monetary terms?

Take care xxxxxx

Dustykitten

Seafarers was this email in response to you mentioning the house hunting you have been doing and the house you saw which you wanted? Could your OH simply (misguidedly) be trying to come up with ways of giving you the home you want asap?

greenbee

Good points from Dusty... men (as I'm well aware right now!) can be very difficult to understand, and aren't always great at communicating. They do tend to respond to problems with practical solutions (although I'm not sure quite how practical this one is!) rather than realising that an emotional response (e.g. a hug) is actually what's needed.

The point about keeping a low profile is a good one. Much as you'd like to respond and get answers right now, leave him to think about what he's said, and work things out yourself in your own time. Talk to your mum or a friend if you need to. Or us. But I've realised over the last few days that however much men say they need space, when you give it to them they tend to miss you...:cool:

If he says he's having cold feet about marriage, try to focus on the practicalities. Tell him you need to sort out the finances before anything else - hopefully you know what you contributed. It'll give you something to focus on while your work up the strength to deal with the emotional stuff, but do be careful - I know from what I've been doing recently that it is very easy to over-react and make things worse. Work out what it is that you want, and think about whether that's possible and how you would get there.

Crafty may well be right, in which case, if the finances are really what's bothering him, send him back a business case showing the various different options (his suggestion, your preferred option and maybe one other) showing which one is the best one from a financial perspective. Unfortunately there are some men who like to look at things this way (I remember one colleague commenting that the ROI on their family was pretty poor - his kids were only about 10 and 12 at the time!). Like others, I'm a bit concerned about what he thinks his involvement with the baby will be - when will he see it (or you?).

seafarers_wife

ive not emailed him. well ive sent 2 emails. one saying my answer to the below is no bleep bleep bleeping way. then the second to ask if he wants to get married and to let me know either way as if not i will make it easy for him and find somewhere else to live.

i did also send a text telling him he has an email that needs an answer now, but havent had anything back. have shut down my email so that im not tempted to email him a barage of abuse. my way is when someone hurts me to strike and hurt them right back so im being soooo good (for me) by only doing a couple of swears in my first email and asking him if it was a joke in my second.

will just see what happens but if its the latter and no marriage then he will be coming back home to an empty bank account and an empty house. silly man shouldnt pee me off like that when he gave the bank permission for me to have access to all his accounts :rotfl: and yes i would quite happily leave him with no money since he is the much higher earner and i moved and gave up a decent paying job and other things in order to move from a city he hated to a place that i hate. but hey im willing to work at things, it doesnt sound like he does. oh well thats a potential waste of the last 3.5 years off my life.