Weekly Flylady Thread 3rd January 2011

seafarers_wife

right im semi calm now after getting a shock email from oh. i havent done any cleaning as i got the email just before i was going to start and have alternated between crying buckets, typing responces and then deleting them or just plain old comfort eating. i just dont know if he doesnt want to get married or what, as the below is just a total no go for me and i will not have kids outside of marriage and dont beleive in divorce either, so marriage is a one time deal for me.

now most of you know that i want to start a family sooner rather than later and also househunting is on the cards as well sooner rather than later, i got the below email from OH and i dont know if im coming or going as i cant beleive he asked me this. in order to get full idea of why my head is spinning, i live in durham, my parents live in glasgow and i work in durham!

So first we need to find out when you are legible for maternity leave.
Then i would suggest you get pregnant and we move out of the rented house for at least 1.5 years.
You can move back home in this time, i know you wont like this and i dont either, but then we will be saving alot of money and i can pay off the loan and the car near enough straight away, then i can save for 1.5 years. This will mean that we should have a good 40k in the bank. Our stuff will go into storage, which we have already looked at the price for.
I could even go to college within this time, i have enough months racked up now, so tax shouldnt be a problem. As the college course is only 6 months in duration as well.
In the mean time you can be at your parents looking after the baby. I guess this is where it gets awkward but still do able and this is when you need to go back to work for 3 months i am thinking you can stay at my grandparents for 3 months while your mum looks after the baby and you can go up every weekend if required, 3 months is only 90 days.

If we do this then i really do think that we would be able to get the required money and also have no debt so we can readily move into a house that we want to move into and by then house prices should be reasonable again as well.

I know you dont like this idea but i really do think this will save us 10 years of agrevation

eta, the sad thing is that with his timeframe and going by my budgets, we would have 40K even if we carried on renting even with a baby and maternity leave and what not, and he knows this.

Dustykitten

hex2 wrote: »

Valli - that'll be me Notoriously unsociable......

and me ................ I don't like social occasions very much at all, alright once I get there but never look forward to them. I'm mainly happy with DH and the boys.

Valli - it was fun whilst it lasted, you've really moved on a huge amount in the past few months and maybe it is time to move on some more

Em586 wrote: »

Can I re-join please? Was getting really good at this and loving it til I fell pg last summer and due to complications and SPD have had to rest as much as possible! Consequently the house is a nightmare, and with 11 weeks to go til baby's due something needs to be done. Not sure how much of the lists I'll manage but hope to make hubby follow it too!!

:xmastree: good luck with the baby and don't do too much at once.

DS1 trainers sorted and shoes for DH and glasses choosen for him too.

Going to iron the new duvet cover and the washed curtains next and then sort dinner.

pigpen

Seafarers.. Tell him to go beat himself about the head and stop being such a moron and ask what planet he is actually living on!! honestly I really do dislike men, they are all inconsiderate twerps and one after the other compounds my feelings on this.. I am yet to come across one with an iota of common, or any other sense!

Pollybear

Seafarers - it all sounds like a terrible idea to me.

Valli

Flippin eck Seafarer's - it *almost* sounds like a joke e mail...especially the 'you get pregnant bit' - almost as though he doesn't actually plan on being involved.

I'm NOT the best person to give relationship advice BUT what I would STRONGLY advise is, that if, for you marriage then pregnancy is the only acceptable route don't be coerced into anything else. And he makes NO MENTIOn of 'paying' for the baby - and am I right in thinking that he is also asking you to leave the baby elsewhere and go back to work.

Sorry hun - but he has a plan here to make HIS life easier/financially stable (it seems) where he puts almost NO effort in and doesn't take the rough with the smooth.

Aah Dusty - wise words. Thanks

Dustykitten

Seafarers. Huge hugs sweetie. This sort of thing by email must be really difficult. I could give you my opinion on it all but I don't know enough of the details, how long have you been together and how much of that time has he spent away at sea? One thing though your DH doesn't mention his part in seeing the baby at all which I must say I find very sad. A baby needs love and commitment not a dream house IMHO.

Mumto5

Valli wrote: »

Flippin eck Seafarer's - it *almost* sounds like a joke e mail...especially the 'you get pregnant bit' - almost as though he doesn't actually plan on being involved.

I'm NOT the best person to give relationship advice BUT what I would STRONGLY advise is, that if, for you marriage then pregnancy is the only acceptable route don't be coerced into anything else. And he makes NO MENTIOn of 'paying' for the baby - and am I right in thinking that he is also asking you to leave the baby elsewhere and go back to work.

Sorry hun - but he has a plan here to make HIS life easier/financially stable (it seems) where he puts almost NO effort in and doesn't take the rough with the smooth.

Aah Dusty - wise words. Thanks

Dusty and Valli - very wise ladies! So sorry Seafarers. That email must have hit you like a ten ton truck.

Craftyscholar

Sounds as if he has been sitting with a calculator and several sheets of paper working out how to get to the perfect dream life for you both without thinking what living through the bit before is going to be like.

greenbee

seafarer's - don't know what to say about that, but you need to take your time to think about your response. I realise that either way this is unacceptable to you, but you need to work out what he's trying to achieve by this, and be careful how you react. I suggest you keep a low profile while you work it out. I have no idea what he's thinking of, but as you know I'm not doing too well at understanding men right now.

Oh... and you might want to mention that your parents would expect you to pay board and lodging, and you'd have to pay for childcare... think about all the COSTS of doing it his way - whatever your response, its worth showing him that you've also thought through the financial implications in a dispassionate way. And if your parents are in glasgow, if you have to move and get a new job, then you won't be eligible for decent maternity benefits for another couple of years (and depending on your employer, they may not be as good as your current ones).

hex2 wrote: »

Valli - that'll be me Notoriously unsociable......

Me too. And my useless bloke too - I think he was quite shocked to realise, when things got difficult, how few people he had to turn to. He has acquaintances through work, and a few from where he used to live, but not really any close friends and didn't have much of a social life that didn't revolve around his ex's family or his kids.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I don't think The Bloke could really cope with having to sand and paint them as well - he's already had a fit at my asking if he could extend the laminate another 3 foot into the dining area so the table doesn't wobble. [I could do it myself, but he's such a fussbudget, he hates letting me get on with stuff around him and will probably try and take over anyway]

I find with men like this the trick is to start doing the job, secure in the knowledge that they'll take over and do it properly rather than suffer the sight of you doing it

Been for a walk with my nephew (although as he sleeps for the entire duration of his walks, he probably thinks he has never been outside!), had lunch with my brother. Spoke to a friend and am organising for people to come over for supper on my birthday. Don't think I'm up to seeing the bloke then. I've told him Wednesday evening or Friday afternoon, and if we're going to talk I want us to go for a walk.

Need to finish sorting out the bedroom, warm the house up and possibly do some ironing. Green veg purchased for supper, and then I'll attempt to get the kitchen a little cleaner!

twinmum07

Seafarers - I can't even think of a sensible response to what he is suggesting. Where will he be based throughout this?