Mooloo's New Home, New Year and New Start part 3

Savvy_sewing

Today is the day that DS has to be out of his sisters house. So he is back off to the Housing Officer. But they dont seem to be taking him very seriously. Which may mean having to have him back home. I know this may sound very selfish of me, but i dont really want him to come home. I am not sure I want to have him, his smoking, his drinking, his mates, and all the loud music anymore.
I also dont want to give up the room I am now sewing in. I was hoping that I could help make a sound financial base for DGD and My future from sewing. If he does have to come back home, (reluctantly) I will have to move out of there, and that will make it difficult to work.

TWin1 has yet again cancelled seeing her daughter. At the last minute.
One good thing results means I save the petrol, dont have to tackle any grandprix traffic, and can have Molly around for a cuppa instead.
But poor old DGD was a bit miserable. However she found Spot the Dog DVD and is now looking happy again.

Sewing has been going really well, although I took some time out last night, to play around with a tutorial to make a dress out of a mans shirt. So one of the BF's old shirts has duely been disected, and is in the process of transformation.
(Wether it will work or be wearable I am not sure.But the idea was fun.).

thorsoak

Mooloo - if he does have to come back, you HAVE to set in stone rules which have to be adhered to - or you evict him - as has happened to him at his sister's house.

Rules are:-

1. No smoking/no drinking - after all, he is under-age - and you have your dranddaughter's health to think of.

2. Friends DO NOT STAY OVER - leave by 10.pm - again point about granddaughter/CRB checks on people who come into contact with her.

3. You do not provide transport for him - you aren't a taxi service.

4. He pays keep to you and does his FAIR share of cleaning/cooking/laundry.

5. NO LOUD MUSIC AFTER 10.pm

They aren't unreasonable demands to make, Mooloo - these are more or less the rules that existed with us when we had 4 teenagers at home - and with a few grumbles, they were adhered to 95% of the time.

But let's hope it doesn't come to it. You've had a tough enough time already.

Errata

Perhaps the most important thing to consider is how de-stabilising for your DGD will having a teenage lad in the house full time be, having rooms turned upside down once again, and just the general change in the dynamics of the household.
DGD already has to cope with not seeing her mum when she's expecting to see her, and it seems to be making her miserable. She's had so much chaos and turmoil in her short life already and she deserves some certainty now that things won't chop and change. She needs your protection and be able to rely on you to meet her needs in the best way you can.
You are the only one who can make the decision about your son's living arrangements, it will be a very hard decision for you to make and I wish you well with it.

Savvy_sewing

thorsoak wrote: »

Mooloo - if he does have to come back, you HAVE to set in stone rules which have to be adhered to - or you evict him - as has happened to him at his sister's house.

Rules are:-

1. No smoking/no drinking - after all, he is under-age - and you have your dranddaughter's health to think of.
Alas he was 18 in January, so I am not able to actually say that for the same reasons. I can say not under my roof.

2. Friends DO NOT STAY OVER - leave by 10.pm - again point about granddaughter/CRB checks on people who come into contact with her.
This is the reason he wouldnt stay before.
3. You do not provide transport for him - you aren't a taxi service.
Yes I will have to install this one!
4. He pays keep to you and does his FAIR share of cleaning/cooking/laundry.
I would need to get funds from him as I would loose my housing and council tax benefits. or they would be reduced by the 25% anyway.
5. NO LOUD MUSIC AFTER 10.pm

They aren't unreasonable demands to make, Mooloo - these are more or less the rules that existed with us when we had 4 teenagers at home - and with a few grumbles, they were adhered to 95% of the time.

But let's hope it doesn't come to it. You've had a tough enough time already.

But I really do hope that I dont have to have him home. I really do want stability for DGD, and I do want to work, and using his old room as a work room, is beginning to pay dividends with my work being seen, and wanted, and with my ability to shut the door on it, and leave things set up, so I can deal with DGD when necessary, and go back to the sewing when I want to.

Elle7

I wouldn't take him home.

I know that must sound horrible, but as you've said, it will be very disruptive, and it will make negative changes. But also, you know he will not stay long, and it will mess your benefits aside.

Plus he will be very low priority on the housing list if he can live at home...

I hope you find a solution which suits everyone, and I'm so happy to hear about your business going well

Re DGD, could you not tell her when mummy is due, and it be a surprise when she does come, or does she already expect her? I hate to think of her expecting her mum and her mum just not to come...that sounds heartbreaking I'm glad Spot has cheered her up!

All the best,
E x

ifonlyitwaseasier

you don;'t have to take him back, if the council ask say you can't, for your health and for DGD

they will have to find him somewhere even if its a bedsit/b&b/hostel

~Chameleon~

Mooloo wrote: »

But I really do hope that I dont have to have him home. I really do want stability for DGD, and I do want to work, and using his old room as a work room, is beginning to pay dividends with my work being seen, and wanted, and with my ability to shut the door on it, and leave things set up, so I can deal with DGD when necessary, and go back to the sewing when I want to.

As the previous poster mentioned, you don't have to take him back Mooloo, he's now an adult in his own right, you're not responsible for him. Let him go to the homeless unit at the council. If nothing else, it might make him think twice about his behaviour when he's only offered a room in a hostel.

In fact I would point blank refuse (and I previously have done with one of my own at that age) to take him back, not only for DGD's sake but also your own sanity. As you say, you've got set up to run your little business now and it sounds as though you're doing quite well. Don't do anything to jeopardise it or you might not get another opportunity. I know it won't be an easy decision but you're made of tough stuff, you can do it. We're all behind you Mooloo xxx

minimoneysaver

I think it may be for the best that you do not accept your son back. He hasn't been responsible and has thrown every chance and opportunity away in the past and there is nothing to indicate he has changed. You don't need the stress and DGD doesn't need the upheaval in her life again. It is time for things to settle down and for you to get some normality in both of your lives. You need to start to look forward to the future. xxx

MatyMoo

Hi Mooloo

Sorry I have been offline all week and so I am just catching up.

Sewing seems to be going really well, and you are so close to having that business up and running properly. And I was sat here cheering for you until.......

...... I saw that there is a possibility that DS may be moving back in

I do understand that your are his Mum and I know how difficult it will be for you to say no. For DGD's stability I think that no is the right answer but I know that you will be led with your heart rather than your head. If it is any help, I lived at home until I was 28 and got told "my house, my rules" and that is why I eventually chose to leave, it was time for me to have some freedom and to spread my wings and do (some) of the things that I wasn't allowed to at home.

I don't envy you this decision at all But I am sure that you will thing long and hard and I am sure you are in more need of hugs than ever so here they are :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Maty
-x-

Savvy_Sue

Elle7 wrote: »

Plus he will be very low priority on the housing list if he can live at home...

Actually, he'll be very low priority on the housing list even if he can't live at home.

He is over 18.
He is not disabled.
He is not 'vulnerable' (in the technical sense as defined by local authorities).

Also, he has been evicted from his sister's, and it seems this was because he was causing her to breach her tenancy (visitors, noise etc).

He is not going to be an easy person to house.

ifonlyitwaseasier wrote: »

they will have to find him somewhere even if its a bedsit/b&b/hostel

I am not sure they even need to do that. They may give him details of local hostels / b&bs, but I am not sure they HAVE to find somewhere for him.

I'm sure I've mentioned Foyers before. Is there one locally? Or any Youth Housing? Having said that, there would be terms and conditions there and it's not clear he'd be willing to stick to them.

Quick google finds me BYHP - I see there's a NightStop (link on left hand side of page) which he may be eligible for as a stop-gap. But that's in Banbury, and I'm not sure if that's any use or not.

I see no easy answers ...