Mooloo's New Home, New Year and New Start part 3

Savvy_sewing

Hi EE.
When the twins get something in thier mind, if they do not do it there and then, it is not done. As she has been bringing her washing here for so long i think that its also a habit that its done here. The problem is that usually its done during the evening, but as I had retired to bed, she forgot to move it on. (They forget lots of things). So it was still in the basket, when we had to abandon it to get her back in time for the Housing Support worker.
I do agree, I am in need of Saying NO again. I seem to have slipped back into the helping of them. I suppose its the softy in me, but also the fact that I cannot stand to see them wearing filthy things, all creased up, and getting rather smelly.
I had to insist on both girls having a shower, and giving them clean things of mine to put on, becuase they were rather High to say the least.!
I was even amazed that they had slept in thier clothes. Granted that they had only got covers on the sofa and reclining chair, but they had not thought to bring any night attire, or any clean things for the morning.
I gave them a lecture about personal hygiene, about having the washing machine that can now keep thier clothes washed, and they both have airers bought for them previously. Of course they promise that they will try harder. But no doubt by this morning they will be back to thier normal ways.! It is hard to see your children in chaos. It is difficult to not help, when something so simple as keeping clean, is so easy for us to do. It is alien for me to think of sleeping in my clothes and going about the next day in the same clothes. They cannot smell themselves alas. It is heart breaking to see them live in such caos. I fear that i cannot just walk away, leave them to it. Dispite often wishing that I could. The system that is supposed to protect vunerable people do not. The system is overloaded and they are not deemed bad enough to warrant any outside assistance, dispite the reports that the social services had on them for them to remove the children in the first place.
Seriously its different when you are dealing with someone who just cannot comprehend enough.
The only thing that I fear they have learned to be, is pretty devious. They have alas the same tendancies as thier father, to lie. To fabricate and to live in a fantasy world is thier way.
I struggle I agree. I should be stronger, but I am only human, and it is in my nature to help out others, especially my family.
I do not mind the harsh words, or the critisism. I see if for what it is. You are only trying to help me, so that I can take care of myself, so that I get better, or do not worsen.
I fear that I do moan about my lot, in frustration. But I suppose I have felt that I have little choice, unless I do leave them to live in squallor.

I have tried to give them all manor of charts, budgets, schemes, incentives, they just do not seem to grasp anything, not even a schedule for meal times. Or the ability to plan ahead for things. They forget the simplest of appointments, and they then have to back track, rebook, and the cycle continues. If the system was able to give them adult support workers, social workers, then perhaps I could step back, but even twin2 who has been given some disability help, doesnt seem to warrant it. Nobody has talked with the girls about thier losses, about their children, and the sequence of events, to still come. Since the court case twin2 has not had a visit from a single one of them. She has no idea if the boys have already been found adoptive parents or not. So of course niether do I.
We really only know the sequence of events, that should happen from what Gizmo has told us, and from my studying the books etc recommended by my fostering team. (who are decidedly more helpful then the childrens workers were. As the fostering team are my workers and not the childs).

Right I do feel a little better today after resting somewhat yesterday.
I will be pottering around the house. If I cannot reach the clothes line, then I will just put the stuff on the airer for today. There is not masses, just the one basket full. It will be dry then to take back tomorrow. She brought it in a case on wheels, so thats reasonably easy for me to get to the car etc.
I use the upright laundry basket to take the stuff to the line and I can carry that then with one hand, rather then the traditional basket, which is upstairs full of my ironing anyway!. (thats a job I hate and leave till the last minute.).

Molly is hopefully well enough to come over later today, and the workmen have filled in the holes in the ground outside, and hopefully it will be a bit more peaceful, although there is still alot to be done further down from my nieghbours, so I suppose the noise will be starting again soon. The irony is they have to come back and dig it up again when they tunnel to each of the houses!
Time for me to have my shower and to get on.

Savvy_sewing

Well I managed to get the washing out yesterday. I also spent the day close to home, not going anywhere further then the garden Gate.
Molly came over at lunchtime for an hour or so. She was not really very well. I do worry about her.
DGD is having a stopp as I wont let her have sweeties or biscuits and am insisting that she eats her rice crispies. She is now throwing all the cushions off of the sofa and telling me that she is never going to speak to me again. !!!
Lovely. The health visitor is due in less then 30 minutes and I still havent got her dressed.
Right I am off to do the washing up. At least want the kitchen tidy again.

queen_vi

Moloo you sound exhausted are you ok
you need to try and fine time to relax if you can
DGD is at that age were she is testing you to see what she can get away with
i dont think the noise from the workmen has helpt you
your a wonderful mother and granmother and i admire you
your family is very lucky having you to help them

gizmo111

Hi Mooloo,

I hope you are feeling better and sadly I suspect you will feel like you are on an emotional rollercoaster for a long time to come regarding not only the boys but DGD and BF too, we never expect at our age to be responsible for little ones but think we will have the joy but not the responsibility of little ones.

I'm not sure if I have given you the link before but this may help http://www.afteradoption.org.uk/page.asp?section=000100010001000300010005

Regards boys and new family when a match is made she will be informed - but sadly contact is now decreasing, legal things are over for twin2 and very soon there will be the final goodbye and you need to look after yourself and DGD in preparation for this which will hit you so hard that you will need all the support that you deserve to get through it.

You know I'm worried about you and as always you know where I am if you need me xx :A

minimoneysaver

Agree Gizmo, I'm worried about mooloo too. Too much on right now and not enough down time, which is so important for reflection. I wonder if your dr has thought about counselling at this difficult time?

Savvy_sewing

minimoneysaver wrote: »

Agree Gizmo, I'm worried about mooloo too. Too much on right now and not enough down time, which is so important for reflection. I wonder if your dr has thought about counselling at this difficult time?

Cannot get it. Asked of course. But she is left high and dry. Typical of the area we are in. Everything is overstretched.

Had a devil of a day, chucked out the lad that was outstaying his welcome with twin2 and DS.
What a scene.
He went back after I had left and they had to call the police out in the end. Just what I needed after a day taking the twins food shopping. Pouring rain, and DGD being tetchy.
Mind you my mood got me clearing out the rubbish from Twin2 in double quick time, while i waited for undesirable to leave the property. Filled 3 black bags full of rubbish off of the floors!!!!
My Ex Husband turned up at the house, so I made him take the rubbish away. (I think he was hoping to get a fathers day card!, but he went away with rubbish instead).
Left twin2 with instructions to clean the bathroom or else.
I started to tackle the loo, but just had enough. Grimefighters not quite but not far off.

Twin1 is here as she is coming to walk with DGD at the Carnival tomorrow. I was saddened to hear mothers not bothering to take their kids tomorrow as the weather is not forecast to be very good. I did say to one, I hope I hadnt spent all day Tuesday sewing outfits for nothing.

Anyway I finished off DGD's outfit with a few additions, a hat with a couple of little bells on the top. With some gingham ribbon as a belt and trimmed it around the neckline. She will wear her black leggings, plimsolls, and a black cardigan underneath it.
We have a few packamac type things for her mum and her to put on if the worst happens and it down pours.
I will see them off at the top, and hopefully get a bit further down nearer to the town to see the parade.

Re the Boys. Cannot go there at the moment. When I was bad on Monday I put down the things that were causing me the problems. There were 11 issues that were all taking over me. That was one of them.
I broke them down into the things that I could deal with, couldnt control and didnt have to quite face now.
Otherwise I would still have been quite bad.

Day to Day. I really have to just deal with at the moment. Or I wouldnt cope. I have to gain my strength again first.

minimoneysaver

"on Monday I put down the things that were causing me the problems. There were 11 issues that were all taking over me. That was one of them.
I broke them down into the things that I could deal with, couldnt control and didnt have to quite face now."

I love that idea Mooloo!!! Why didn't I think of that?

candygirl

minimoneysaver wrote: »

"on Monday I put down the things that were causing me the problems. There were 11 issues that were all taking over me. That was one of them.
I broke them down into the things that I could deal with, couldnt control and didnt have to quite face now."

I love that idea Mooloo!!! Why didn't I think of that?

It's a fab idea isn't it:D:D

Savvy_sewing

I sometimes just get overloaded, so by doing that i can break it down. Itemizing the things, and giving myself some answers.

My issues this time were

1) Upset that anniversary appeared to be nothing to celebrate
2) Fact that I have to face my parents mortality, (after a letter they gave me before their travels).
2b) Thier choice of cremation and final resting jplace in France
3) The loss of the boys
4) The garden problems
5) The guardianship and responsibilities of DGD
6) The Money problems of both the twins
7)The life style fo the twins and DS
8) The lack of future on offer for my BF and myself
9) The bank balnace dwindling dramatically
10) Feeling Traped
11) Loosing my Dreams.
The I asked my self
So what can I do to fight my own world, sort my mind and come out of this the otherside?

Then I looked at them,

The anniversary is HISTORY, cannot change the past. Can only look to the future. Decided that I had high expectations, which were flattened by my BF's family commitments, lack of communication, and my romantic hopes. Which tied me into No8). The lack of the future.
Decided that a) This is nothing new is it? So if its been there for so long, I can put it on the back shelf and deal with it later on when I am strong enough to. b) I have two choices, I can carry on as I am or I can close the door on it, move on and be alone. reduce the travel and not have to be the one to do all the texting and calling. However at the moment seems to drastic to make decision while I am in bad way.
2) Parents. Its no different then before they went away, its just that i cannot talk to them about it. Thier choice of resting place in France is more difficult to deal with. My siblings all live in France, yet I have never been. (Well not since I had a disasterous holiday in 1998).
a) Write them a letter to explain my feelings. b) ask them to show me where they mean, so that I can go there and experience it for myself.
3) I cannot do anything about the boys but assure them of my love and use the letterbox system and give them the family history works.
4) The Garden. Proactive. Take the letter/dvd and evidence to the housing. b) Contact the local Volunteers bureau and see whata available to help
5)Guardianship. Why am I stressing about it?
a) Financially, b) emotionally. Its the fear of being trapped and no longer fit enough, or able to live my dreams. But had to think about it, and know that what ever the financial situation ends up, MSE will get me through it. But I must stop supporting the twins as much as I do. Which has been creeping up on me, and is hitting Hundreds of pounds a month. This ties in with NO 9.
Rise to the challenges boards again. etc. Look at all the bills etc, re budget and get my finances back on track.
When? Start to do it on the same day of the week, every week. Get back into the habit of doing it.
6 and 7). all tie into the same sort of things. I cannot change how they live thier lives. I have tried and failed. All I can do is to let them know that I love them, point them in the right direction and let them get on with it.
When I feel stronger, I can see if I can battle the system again, for them to have outside help, instead of relying on me to sort out everything for them.
No Solution at the moment.

No 10 and 11.
Trapped and loss of dreams.

Re visit my dreams. Can I change them, tweek them?
Instead of dreaming of a retirement home abroad. Think about using my savings for holidays to the mediteranean, on a regular basis. Still will allow me to taste the sea and the wind in my hair. DGD can learn foreign languages and experience these things with me, when she is old enough, she can decide if she wants to come with me.
Other dreams. I can still dream of having a successful Business, and if I can step back some from the family, and use the time dGD is at the Nursery or with her child carer, then I can work. I can still do my computer work, my other work when she is around. Its just the sewing I cannot do when she is up and about.
If I have all the support of the people here on MSE, I have a potentional word of mouth, etc that could, if I do the correct things, produce the potential of a customer base that is staggering.
with this thread having had over 114,000 viewings in 165 days, then thats approximately 690 followers. If everyone looked here once a day. If all of those people told 5 other people about my sewing skills, thats a potential customer base of 3,450 people!!!


So that is how I worked my way out of the state of hell that I was in on Monday.
Then I looked at the good things that I have in my life, like a home to live in, enough food to eat. Money for the electric and gas. I have a car I can still drive. I have skills to run a home and to create and mend.
I have the nursery place for DGD and that gives me my own time.
I have Molly as a good friend who listens to me and gives me much more than I could ever give her.
I have a holiday with her for my birthday to lookforward too.
I can choose where to or whether to spend my money on us, the tiwns, or save for our adventure dreams.


Hope that by writing this down for you, I have shown and helped someone else to look at thier lot and sort it out.

minimoneysaver

To sum up your worries, from what I understand, it seems to me that the future is the thing that worries you the most. Not knowing what direction your life is going and not just living day to day. Maybe you need to focus on what you can do now, rather than what you can't do. This is something that I have had to do because of my back problems, and it took me 10 years to do it! You need to come up with a short, medium and long term plan and stick to it. Easier said than done I know, but it is possible. That must incorporate your dreams (realistic of course). I'm sure this isn't anything new to you.