Who pays what in your house?

sueeve

I think the word is incompatible, which doesn't accuse, but it does say that you are too far apart in your attitudes to plan a future together. If he lives to 80 you could have another 50 years of this. In other ords, if you are going to split anyway surely better now than later. People seldom change so radically that these problems would disappear. If he lives on his own for a year and makes end meet then discuss things again. He is no assetin your life, and it is time to pull back. Don't worry about Christmas, it will be a relief if he is out of the picture.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

runninglea wrote: »

Any idea why his ex did a runner and not left a forwarding address. Could she have seen the light!!!

wasnt money related but rather she cheated on him and wanted to go off with the other man and raise OH's son as "their" own

MillicentBystander wrote: »

If that was me, that 'sealed pot' would have been smashed a millisecond after he said what he did! I can't believe your restraint, mommyme! :eek: And if there WAS some money missing what was left of the pot would probably have ended up on Caveman's head.

lol I'm one of those who see's the good in people, If I smash it open and theres money missing I wont be happy but if theres nothing missing and its all me, then I'll feel awful for accusing him

sueeve wrote: »

I think the word is incompatible, which doesn't accuse, but it does say that you are too far apart in your attitudes to plan a future together. If he lives to 80 you could have another 50 years of this. In other ords, if you are going to split anyway surely better now than later. People seldom change so radically that these problems would disappear. If he lives on his own for a year and makes end meet then discuss things again. He is no assetin your life, and it is time to pull back. Don't worry about Christmas, it will be a relief if he is out of the picture.

No, this is why I wanted to try and sort things out. When we lived apart it was a LDR and neither of us was happy, when he moved in I didnt take any money off him for the first month as he was looking for work, he now pays a month behind iykwim (so money being transferred at end of this month is decembers payments, where as bills are actually for January)

at the moment he has no means of supporting himself, as mentioned earlier, he has 65p to his name. Most people want deposit and a months rent up front and he simply doesnt have this. His nearest family is 200+ miles away so he cant simply move in with them and he doesnt really have many friends his own age he can lodge with. I dont want to turf him out on the street as i would like it to work.

FatVonD

I imagine that all those for whom joint accounts have worked gloriously for scores of years all came to the relationship without any financial baggage.

Things can be very different in second marriages/relationships.

MillicentBystander

He sounds like the luckiest man alive to have such a caring soul as yourself to make sure everything is OK for him. Only problem seems to be getting him to realise this.

BitterAndTwisted

mommyme wrote: »

The only thing I'm worried about is because DD's nursery fee's come out of the single account (I make a transer the week before fees are due when i've had payments from ex etc and then pay nursery a cheque)

Don't want to get in trouble with those payments

If this second bank-account is in your sole name then I don't see anything wrong with him setting up a standing-order into it and you use it to pay for all joint expenses. As long as he doesn't have access to it I see no problem.

However, in my opinion what you absolutely must do is get a commitment from him to pay you a fair amount every month when he receives his salary. Anything else is just a p-take.

I'm very pleased to hear that finally he's going to have to be responsible for getting himself to and from work. He might start to appreciate you once he's had to stand at the bus-stop in the cold and dark for a week or two.

I'd still be concentrating on getting shot of him, myself.

balletshoes

mommyme wrote: »

Ah no sorry - i think you mis-read what I put.

His mum is getting married in 2 weeks. The money in the post is going to be used to travel there and for the hotel accommodation rather than me using my bank account. So either way, the pot will be getting smashed - I'm just curious as to whats in it (plus I may need to add to it) and I know what I'm expecting in there. I dont think he has tried to get money out of it but it was that comment he made that has made me wonder.

I did ask him a few weeks ago about him moving out, he took this as me looking for an excuse to break up with him and we got into an argument. Alot of the arguing is stress related, His jobs unsecure as he isnt hitting the targets, Im moving up in my place of work and its getting stressful, His DS's birthday is coming up and his ex did a runner a few years back so he doesnt know where his DS is, I'm kicking off about how untidy the house is and money situation, and then there xmas and his mums wedding (not an excuse for him by all means but it is pretty hectic right now)



He's 29 so should really know better



The only thing i'm worried about is because DD's nursery fee's come out of the single account (i make a transer the week before fee's are due when i've had payments from ex etc and then pay nursery a cheque)

Dont want to get in trouble with those payments

If your OH is only paying money into this account, and has no access to withdraw money from it, this won't be a problem. I'd do this to be honest, have this account as the 3rd account, it doesn't need to be in both your names, and I totally understand why you wouldn't want to be jointly financially associated with him.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

FatVonD wrote: »

I imagine that all those for whom joint accounts have worked gloriously for scores of years all came to the relationship without any financial baggage.

Things can be very different in second marriages/relationships.

Thank you for this

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

If this second bank-account is in your sole name then I don't see anything wrong with him setting up a standing-order into it and you use it to pay for all joint expenses. As long as he doesn't have access to it I see no problem.

However, in my opinion what you absolutely must do is get a commitment from him to pay you a fair amount every month when he receives his salary. Anything else is just a p-take.

I'm very pleased to hear that finally he's going to have to be responsible for getting himself to and from work. He might start to appreciate you once he's had to stand at the bus-stop in the cold and dark for a week or two.

I'd still be concentrating on getting shot of him, myself.

I dont see why it would matter whether it is a second bank account or my personal one though? (or am i being naive?)

He still wont pay for my car - which i dont really expect him to tbh so i think the £280 "rent" is ok, and obviously half of all groceries (regardless of if i buy deoderant!)

vik6525

Mommyme....
Forgetting the 'money' issues at the moment...

Are you happy in this relationship?

balletshoes

mommyme wrote: »

Thank you for this



I dont see why it would matter whether it is a second bank account or my personal one though? (or am i being naive?)

He still wont pay for my car - which i dont really expect him to tbh so i think the £280 "rent" is ok, and obviously half of all groceries (regardless of if i buy deoderant!)

it doesn't matter which account it is - I think it was mentioned because you suggested it? As long as he has no access to withdraw funds, it doesn't matter whether its a basic or current account he pays the money into.

shellsuit

mommyme wrote: »

Thought I'd give you a little update - Didnt get the whole chat out last night as I was still unwell.

I've told him in not happy about the money situation and said that he comes across as accusing. He said that he didnt think it was fair i "let" him buy the iron knowing I wouldnt go halves when the one we had broke. He also remembered he brought the steamer that day and wants half for that lol I told him that he's been in work since September at this job, I do 50miles a week transporting him so thats 16 weeks worth of petrol costs - at which point he said "i'll get the bus!" - Fair do's - there's the time table, jog on

My dad has told him he wont be taking him to work after xmas so he'll bus reliant now!

He has a provisional driving license but he's one of those "i'll sit ant wait for everyone else to do it for me" type of person (he never used to be) so for his xmas pressie I have booked his theory test :rotfl:

I've told him i'm not giving him money for the itron/steamer/coffee machine (he said he brought the coffee machine FOR ME, even though I was quite happy drinking Nescafe!)

He chesked his bank today and left the "time out" message on the screen which shows he has 65p in his account until pay day (Think its just before xmas) so it looks like i'll have to give him money for his bus fare this week.

I spoke to him about budgeting, he said that he can't budget because I take all his money. He works on commission and because he isnt hitting his targets he is only getting basic wage. His "trial" period has been extended (not just his, everyone who started with him) until March so I'm worried as what will happen if he loses his job.

I think i've been very silly in letting him move in but at the time it seemed right. He had 2 jobs, worked a lot of hours and supported himself, he seem's to have given in that idea now. I dont know if he was expecting me to support him or what

I fly out of the UK tomorrow for work purposes, I'll go spare if I come back to a messy house - DD is at my mothers so just OH at home and he tends not to pick up after himself (The wholse business trip is anaother saga, he isnt looking forward to me going because he knows my mum will be on his case to keep house tidy lol)

To be honest, you both need your heads banging together.

I remember your other thread about your OH when he had slapped your DD after she had hit him.

You don't share finances and you don't share childcare, so what is the point in the relationship?

Why does he need your Mum to tell him to keep the house tidy? He's not a child is he, or is this just your house?