Frightened of my lodger - help???

blue_monkey_2

I can only assume then that neither of you have been a victim of domestic violence and do not know what it does to you. I have and it makes you scared of what people will do, how unpredicatble they are and what they can do to you.

I can absolutely put myself in the place of the OP and I too would be frightened of repercussions - I too would be looking for the easy way out and no doubt living in one room while he has the whole house to himself. I'd be locking the dog in my bedroom when I went to work too!!

When I finally left my violent ex I actually moved 200 miles away as I was so scared of what the repercussions would be. 20 odd years on, we still live more or less in hiding in a quiet village and I do pretty much all I can to remain unnoticed and keep myself to myself. I do not go anwyhere near the towns where he or his nutter family might be. I also lived on my own and did not have anyone that could have helped me get out. Life is not always as easy as some of you think it is.

Some of us understant this and some of us understand why it is hard for the OP to make the first move and just get this done. Sadly domestic violence does not make you stronger in some respects and it makes you fearful of what people might do to you - the emotional/mental scars from DV NEVER heal - even if the physical ones do - they are always bubbling underneath but you find a way of dealing with them and that is usually keeping yourself to yourself.

Lets just hope that the OP can find the strength to do what she has to do and not let this man live under her roof for much longer.

Gwhiz

blue_monkey wrote: »

I can only assume then that neither of you have been a victim of domestic violence and do not know what it does to you. I have and it makes you scared of what people will do, how unpredicatble they are and what they can do to you.

I can absolutely put myself in the place of the OP and I too would be frightened of repercussions - I too would be looking for the easy way out and no doubt living in one room while he has the whole house to himself. I'd be locking the dog in my bedroom when I went to work too!!

When I finally left my violent ex I actually moved 200 miles away as I was so scared of what the repercussions would be. 20 odd years on, we still live more or less in hiding in a quiet village and I do pretty much all I can to remain unnoticed and keep myself to myself. I do not go anwyhere near the towns where he or his nutter family might be. I also lived on my own and did not have anyone that could have helped me get out. Life is not always as easy as some of you think it is.

Some of us understant this and some of us understand why it is hard for the OP to make the first move and just get this done. Sadly domestic violence does not make you stronger in some respects and it makes you fearful of what people might do to you - the emotional/mental scars from DV NEVER heal - even if the physical ones do - they are always bubbling underneath but you find a way of dealing with them and that is usually keeping yourself to yourself.

Lets just hope that the OP can find the strength to do what she has to do and not let this man live under her roof for much longer.

As I said, i sincerely hope that this is not the case.

neas

yes but worrying about locks when the guy is giving her hell or sending your son away because HE is scared of the guy YOU are scared of is silly. Its hardly believable. If it was my mum being threatened even if i couldnt fight i'd gladly take a few punches to get the police involved and the guy OUTTA there. What you probably find is the guy is a complete bully and NOT in anyway a good fighter... he just preys on weakness. Those who can 'handle themselves' are not insecure or have behavioural needs they don't need to demonstrate their capability. Its the ones who are not good fighters who take advantage of people less able then themselves because they know nothing will come of it... i.e a bully.

Only way you beat a bully is to stand up to them by whatever means.

justme111

neas, from what I have read she is not worrying about the locks, the locks is just one little detail, she is worried at what would he do the moment she'd say to him "get out " and her loyalty to him makes it difficult to her to throw someone out at an hour notice. How do you imagine that, where he would go, where his belongings would go? You could say " I don't care" but the thing is she does and I understand her in it, despite people hurting us we still can have loyalty to them.

blue_monkey_2

It is neas, but if it were that easy there would not be thousands of women (and men!!) suffering at the hands of their abusive partners day in day out - some even being put into hospital. And still they continue to live with them. Until you have been in that situation you cannot, for one minute, begin to understand how it feels and past judgement on those feelings. Maybe you should just think yourself lucky that someone loves and respects you for who you are without having to control you with their fists and violence.

What is more, that person also drives away all of the friends and family you might have had to start with, mainly because they don't want to be found out and they want to have that tighthold and control over you. Why don't you spend some time reading about DV and it's affect on people during and after instead of accusing her of being a troll and then you might have some understanding of why. Those friends and family do not just come back because you have left, they have been getting on with their own lives. And yes, the son is probably scared of this guy in the same way that he was his dad when he was hitting him mother. Christ, have some bloody compassion over the situation, will you.

This lady is in exactly the same situation, he has been a friend for 10 years, and she has also left her violent ex. Of course she is scared of him and what he would do to her, she has already found him hitting her dog who is now also scared of him. We know nothing what this man is like remember, she could be 4ft 6 and he could be 6ft 6. Why not wait until passing judgement on why she has not done it 'by now'.

Jox

OP works full time as well doesn't she, so it doesn't leave much time in the day/working week to sort out this issue.
Life isn't a soap opera where things are resolved in a few episodes, some times things can drag on for months and years.
Sugar 47, I know you are a caring person and don't want to worry anyone but you are in need of help and someone close to you (son, work colleague, friend) should know about that cos they would love to help you.
Imagine that someone you love was telling you that this was happening to them, what would your advice to them be?
I too have been a victim of domestic abuse and it has left me more fearful of men but I am also less tolerant of bad behaviour now and have a "one strike and you're out" policy. No second chances these days.

MrsE_2

poppysarah wrote: »

the OP needs to get the lodger out and worry about locks later...

If she chucks him out, she will be sitting there chewing her nails in case he lets himself back in.
She needs both.

Norfolk_Jim

It did cross my mind that this was an attention seeking troll but look at her other posts - nothing indicates she is anything other than frightened and torn with indecision, probably brought about by fear.
If I was in this situation I'd turn to my church for help - its full of lawyers and ex heavies - but she sounds isolated from the help she needs.
Its obvious that unless she acts then things will not get better and may get worse, but the thought of what if, thats enough to bring on chronic procrastination.
Bottom line - If she does nothing this persons abuse will at best continue, at worst escalate. If she tells him to go tonight, she fears his reaction = either way it will not be nice - who would want that? No one. And she's had it before - life sucks for a lot of people dont it.

This is what I would do - I'd get someone with me - preferably someone who wont be intimidated - and I'd say "look NAME, this just isn't working out - you scare the living daylights out of me - I'm afraid of you. especially when you are angry - I didn't want it to come to this but I'm not prepared to be afraid in my own home - you need to find somewhere else to live - I'd like you leave (tonight, in the morning, at the end of the week)"

I'd say - in the morning and stay up all night mainly as I couldn't sleep in that circumstance.

He will either - accept it and go
Blow up - shout, scream and be nasty to you, give you lots of filthy verbals and say horrible things, but nothing else as you have a witness there who does not do intimidated - You call the police and say "Come quick, my lodger is attacking me" - because he is assaulting you and threats against your person is a crime - they come - they throw him out and either he a) goes away or b) he keeps on giving you grief but we can deal with that IF it happens

or

He'll attack you violently - but he's going to do that anyway, you know that dont you? It's just a matter of time. First it's the dog, then it's the woman. Your friend calls the police and you scream the phone down - the police come - he gets taken away to the cells, maybe the help he needs, maybe prison, maybe not much - but again deal with one problem at a time, not what IFs

Or you can do nothing - and hope that it does not get any worse until January and that he will become reasonable and leave amicably - and deep down I think thats pretty much what you want to do - but you know its a gamble because you are afraid and its high stakes.

And all this just because you took in a lodger - I could cry for you. If I lived in Lancashire I'd come around and be your unintimidatable friend for you. Is there really no one you can turn to? Have you contacted a domestic violence charity perhaps? I dont know any to suggest but I'll bet your GP could refer you to such a charity or a womens shelter - not for you to go shelter in (Though you might welcome that for a day or two) but because the issues you are facing are the same as having an abusive, controlling, violent husband, and they are dealing with that all the time.

I can't promise you it will all turn out right for you - no one can do that - but you have to deal with what is in front of you, however it is.

sugarbabe-47

Hi all

Firstly the Police have evicted lodger today at 12.30am. This was not very pleasant in the slightest. His belongings are still in my home and this will need sorting. The Police were very understanding and asked me when he can collect his stuff. We agreed Friday 8pm, I have made provisions for Police to attend also. They will not stay for a long time - understandable.I have also arranged for my nephew to come and sit with me. And yes I am still scared, locks have been changed so I am doing all that I can with the resources available to me. So thank you for the support here, it is appreciated as I have no where else to turn to. Without posting all my life here and if any of you want to see my B/R posts you may understand what a bad few years I have had, I have been abused physically, emotionally, mentally and financially - so I am not a troll or attention seeking, just a victim of circumstances. But as a human being there is only so much a person can endure. We all do not have perfect lives and I have always treated people how I want to be treated. This was the only place I could come for advice and I have followed as much as I can within my own capabilities. Trust issues and bad life experiences have prevented me from making close friends, and after my B/R I thought it would be new start. I believed at the time asking a so called friend to lodge with me would be a financial gain for both of us and obviously this hasn't worked at a cost to my sanity and well being.

To all of you that are calling me a troll or grow a backbone I am appalled, you certainley do not know my situation and without posting everything on here reference my past or my sons situation/position in all this, your replies haven't really helped me.

To all that have supported me - thank you its very very appreciated.

Its not over yet I understand that, but now he has gone maybe I can get some peace of mind and deal with the rest when I am in a better place mentally myself. I am angry that I have been ripped off to the tune of £507, as he hasn't and stated he wont be paying the money. And I am on limited finances anyway, with a house to run.

poppysarah

I'm pleased you have it sorted now...

Sleep soundly and I hope that Friday goes well for you.