Charging rent for 21 year old

kassikoo

Hi Everyone i could do with some advise here ,today when i saw my 21yr old son i said the kitchen was clean last nite when i went out and all i asked was that they leave it as they found it if they were cooking food, so he threw a wobbly when i asked why they did'nt do as i asked and said well there was 3 of us, and on makeing lots of excuses he then said well thats what you are here for, you do nothink else so i said i do plenty here i never sit down so i must be doing somethink, he knows i have underactive thyroid i was diagnosed 9mnts ago and still trying to get my medication right so i have been to the point of exhaustion for most of that time and suffering with joint pains he says i use this as an excuse not to work i sometimes have to sleep as my body dont want to carry on all part of the thyroid im affraid but he cant see this and thinks hes hard done to paying £150 board my huband has been in his job for about 15yrs and has changed it over the last 2mnts which has caused us to struggle a bit till his new wages turn over we have a high mortgage and our son brings home £1200/1300 he has about £550/600 to pay out per mnth including his board. So i said you dont know when your well off we could ask you for part of the mortgage so he said your a somethink somethink !!!!! (words id rather not say) that was the end of talking. I went to my bedroom and cryed, he says you bought me into the world and makes me feel guilty its all getting me down i have told him to grow up and i have told him he will have to find his own place if he keeps treating me like this but all he says is you cant make me move out what should i do i dont want to make him leave and cause upset in the family but i dont want to feel anymore ill either thanks for reading kass:o

annie-c

Hugs Kass xxxxx

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I am not a parent but I am so sorry for your situation. You are right he needs to grow up; I'm sure one day he will be deeply ashamed of the way he is behaving right now.

Could you talk to your DH about laying down some ground rules for him and agreeing fair rent together?

kassikoo

HI Annie thankyou so much for your kind words ifeel too that he will be ashamed once hes in the big wide world i love him to bits on the other hand he can be so loveing at at times thoughtfull untill theres somethink he dont like or agree with i think its his tacticks to make us back off who ever said haveing kids would be easy hey lol! Annie sorry for my ignorance here but what does DH mean hunny Thanks again Kass xx

squidge60

know how it is have a 23 yr old hopefully he will say sorry tommorrow.trouble is i think until they do move out they dont realise how lucky they are!you will tbh have to do what ever you have to do (trouble is i say that but most of us arent hard enough).best wishes x

Mojisola

kassikoo wrote: »

he says you bought me into the world and makes me feel guilty its all getting me down i have told him to grow up and i have told him he will have to find his own place if he keeps treating me like this but all he says is you cant make me move out what should i do i dont want to make him leave and cause upset in the family but i dont want to feel anymore ill either

What a bully! It will do you no good at all to go on living with such behaviour. You and your husband are going to have to talk through this and set some rules and your young man is going to have to agree to them - or leave and make his own way in the world. Please don't let him go on treating you like this.

Savvy_Sue

You can MAKE him move out: change the locks while he's out, put his stuff out. Naturally you'd rather not, but ...

When mine were younger and didn't want to go to bed, I would sometimes say "OK, you can stay up, and I'll go to bed instead. But if you're staying up you need to hang up this load of wet washing, put that pile of washing in for me, do the washing up, vacuum the lounge, mend your brother's trousers, sort out the dry washing from yesterday, then when the washing machine has finished hang it up, and put the next load in for me." They were usually off to bed pdq ...

However, now they're 21 it's a bit different, and I haven't quite got there yet, but I would suggest that the 3 of you need to sit down and talk this through like the adults you now are. It seems there are two sorts of issues: money and maintenance.

You need to show him what it costs to live in your house. You need to show him what the income coming in is (in broad terms if you don't want to go into detail) and what the money going out is. And ask what he thinks is fair when there are three people using the heat, light and phone etc. Of course you are paying the mortgage and you've got more of an interest in the house than he has, BUT the mortgage still has to be paid if he wants a roof over his head!

Then there's maintenance, or at the very least clearing up after yourselves. Again, a list of what needs to be done - kitchens don't clear themselves! I HAVE moved things left in the wrong place to people's beds, not quite the dirty plates, but it'll happen one day soon! But talk first. He needs to learn the basics, BUT maybe there are things he could take on as his contribution to the smooth running of the household: my youngest cuts the grass, for example, and I pay him for that because I think it's over and above the 'normal' contribution to family life. (I know other people would disagree with this, but that's the way it is here.)

Your son probably would prefer NOT to be living at home, but finding a way of rubbing along together while he works out how he can afford to leave, and preparing him for leaving, is all worthwhile.

Oh, and no-one living under my roof calls me names. Just as (presumably) you don't call him names. It's basic respect. You and your husband need to be united about this, and everything else, then there's two of you and only one of him!

Good luck ...

Oldernotwiser

Do you think that your son had been drinking or taking drugs when he spoke to you like that? This would be a possibility if this behaviour were out of character for him - not that this would excuse the way he spoke to you. You and your husband need to lay down some ground rules before things get even more out of hand. Your son is paying a tiny amount for his keep considering what he earns but even if he were paying a reasonable amount it shouldn't allow him to behave like this.

What does your husband say about your son's behaviour? I don't approve of violence but my father would've knocked anybody sideways if they'd spoken to my mother like that, much less a child living under his roof! I'd take a stand now or you're making a rod for your own back. He could afford to live independently; make him do so if he doesn't shape up.

kassikoo

Hi Ladies thankyou all for your replies, Savvy_Sue we have talked with him about the incomeing and outgoings and all the other things you mentioned this is why ime pulling my hair out and dont know what else to do, he knows also i dont like bad language maybe he sees that a way of getting to me. thankyou again, you made me think of writing a list out though of everythink thats paid out then breaking it down and show him his share , maybe that will sink in better thanks hunny. Kass xx

Andy_Hamilton

Tell him that him treating you and the house in this way is unacceptable, you only try to make life comfortable and need help. Tell him that it may be better for you both if he moves out and see's what real life is like. Give him a few months to save up a deposit etc.

I never had the problems your having but it's been the best thing for me to stand on my own 2 feet.

kassikoo

Hi Oldernotwiser and Andy i know he doesnt drink and take drugs hes home far too much for that and he always has his girlfriend here he just looses his temper and its always me he takes it out of i told him today he should think of getting his own place as he should be shapeing up now i think thats why he called me a !!!!! lol! ahh bless him, and i know what you mean my father would have done the same we were bought up with respect it was our main course every day and mine have been bought up the same too which makes it harder to understand ive put so much time and effort into my children to teach them right from wrong they were always well known at school for being polite and always praised for it my daughter thankfullly still follows those rules. he told me the other day if he pays more board he is going to start and have his say and things will change around here, so i said i think you better quit while the goings good. I feel a nice long list comeing on hehehe that should slow things down hopefully love to you all kass xx