Kicked my son out of the house and am devastated!

cobbingstones

I know exactly what you are going through, I've been there myself and its tough. BUT stay strong and keep to your words. He can't be that bothered if he's out with his mates dressed up for Halloween. We worry to much sometimes, and we need to give them the opportunity to get their backsides off the bed and go and do what we all have to WORK!!

Thinking of you x

cobbingstones

ellay864 wrote: »

I really feel for the OP. Many years ago our dad died when I was 18 and my brother was 15. From the age of 11 at high school he had started causing trouble and so his behaviour wasn't something we could put down to dad dying, but when he only had mum, wrecked with grief at being widowed at the age of 47, trying to look after 2 teenagers she just couldn't cope. He was in trouble with the police, expelled from school and my mum did everything possible including seeking counselling and therapists. He drunk, did drugs and got really violent at home. I had to hide money with friends or he would beat me to get hold of it; he beat my mum to get money from her. Eventually at the age of 17 she had to get an injunction against him so he wasn't allowed within a mile of our house. It took a while for him to sort himself out and he had good and bad times. He didn't move back in with mum for about 4 years. Now at the age of 43 he admits she had to do it and he knows he messed up spectacularly. To all the people who say no parent should take such action, or who say it must be down to parents not trying when kids turn out like that....you just have no idea until it happens to you. My mum only worked part time, spent loads of time with us as kids, tried to instill good morals and principles in us, took active interest in how we did at school...in short she did everything right. I left with A levels, went on to get a degree and a good job...he left with no qualifications and a criminal record. Same parents but the kids as they get older do have to take their share of the blame, and at 18 he is not a child but an adult. I hope things do work out for the OP - its a heartbreaking situation to be in.

Thanks for sharing this. x

ztan

It amazes me the number of people who are of the "let them go and freeze and starve" attitude... Sorry, I know we're all entitled to our opinions, it just stuns me.

I agree 100% that teenagers especially need to learn the rules, however as everyone has said at 18 you are legally an adult- so I see no real reason why even when living at home an 18 year old cannot be treated like one.

I totally agree that stealing etc is wrong and should not be tolerated, but is it really enough to throw your own child out on the streets and let them fend for themselves. People would get prison sentences for doing that do a dog, so why is it okay to do it to your child?

A child will never learn, unless they've been brought up knowing how to fend for themselves, and if they are currently 18, lounging about, drinking and doing diddly squat, then chances are it's because they have been allowed to and not learnt the value of work, money or responsibility.

I'd suggest to the OP if they haven't done this already, that they request rent payments from their son, in exchange for "board" terms of which can be negotiated. I.E, pay £100 a month in rent and we will allow you to sleep and eat here, however you must come home for dinner to receive it- we will not save it for you until you come home from your benders. Otherwise, you would also be expected to do chores- I.E the washing up of any items you dirty. If these very SET rules cannot be followed, then you politely suggest that your new "tenant" seek alternative accomodation, and give 2 weeks notice, allowing your child chance to set something up.

Simply handing them a load of bin bags and carting them off the premises- as my parents did- is not going to work. It also causes more heartache for the parents, because as the OP has said, they are already devastated by what's happened. By handling things in a grown up matter, it will be easier to deal with.

If you were a LL you wouldn't just toss your tenant out, there are processes to follow. Try the same tact and see where it gets you.

seabright

Has your son ever expressed any interest in joining one of the armed forces? I just wonder if a structured life, where he will still be "looked after" to a degree might suit him?

hethmar

"A child will never learn, unless they've been brought up knowing how to fend for themselves, and if they are currently 18, lounging about, drinking and doing diddly squat, then chances are it's because they have been allowed to and not learnt the value of work, money or responsibility."

ztan, clearly you havent been in the position of the OP or others on here. Where does the boy get the rent money from? He wont go to work, its no good saying, get a job to pay us rent - it simply doesnt work. We arent talking about "normal" stroppy kids here, we are talking about kids who lie, steal and would rather live on the streets than have a normal working life. Unless you have been there, you really cant understand it.

seabright, ditto - re the forces, we tried to get our son in but they didnt want him, even though he had Duke of Edinburgh awards, scuba diving certs, mountaineering certs - you name it, we had pandered to his interests at the time and ferried him everywhere, paying out for all sorts of courses, in order for him to get some acheivements in his life. As long as they were "fun" and didnt involve too much being told what to do, he would do these things, on HIS terms. But as he said at the open meeting for the Army, I do find it hard getting up and I dont like taking orders from anyone.................... of course, answering "when do we get the grenades?" in a deep south accent when asked if he had any questions didnt help either

I also took him all over the country to job interviews when he expressed an interest in working in activity centres. I would get a telephone call within a week to say he had refused to do some part of the job and had been sacked. He would apparently then burst into tears...................... Im telling you, my heart has been broken so many times Im amazed Im still here.

Im sorry that it must be so hard for people who havent had a child like this to understand. Its not bad parenting, some of the above posts show that siblings do very well indeed with the same love and help - as is the case with our kids - in fact we devoted much more time and effort to the errant boy simply because he needed so much more help.

Please dont judge the OP or other parents - you simply cannot understand what it is like unless you have experienced decades of this sort of behaviour and the heartache and upset it causes all the family.

djbum_syd

Hi OP,
I'm writing this to you as somebody who was in your son's situation.
7/8 years ago my parents kicked me out of their home when I was 16. I was disrespectful, rude, argumentative and refused to do anything to help out.

It was the best thing they could have done for me.

I learnt to take care of myself, to be respectful, to ditch the attitude, to work hard, etc.
We have a much better relationship now.
I went to live in a housing association Hostel (not as bad as it sounds!), and it settled me right down.

I hope this situation has the same affect on your son!
You're not doing anything bad by doing this to him. He'll think you unfair or horrible for a while, then he'll realise what it was all for.

ztan

Hethmar.. I may not be a parent who has evicted their child... but I am a child who was tossed out on the streets, and therefore can offer an alternative insight.

I'm only making suggestions which may be helpful in rebuilding things with minimal emotional distress. At the end of the day this whole "it's the best thing for them attitude" is only the opinion of the parents here... because I can 100% say as a child who's parents completely and utterly gave up on her (despite now admitting they had no reason too) the agnst never leaves you.

Sorry if I'm coming across as edgy, this is an extremely difficult topic for me which is part of why I'm posting. I think it's all well to sit on your 30-40-50 years of adult experience and announce that sometimes kids just get too much, but as far as I see it, you're a parent for life and you cannot just dump a child, in the same way you dump the cat outside when it's getting on your nerves.

Don't get me wrong, I know some kids are just downright trouble... and lazy in terms of working, but I dont see that is ever an excuse to give up on them, at least not without a real effort at mediation first. Speaking as someone who's been on the receiving end of a closed door, I thought I'd offer some ideas for what I know would have potentially helped in my own situation.

Despite me saying all this, it was the best thing that happened to me- but only in terms of allowing my parents to grow up, allowing me to grow up and giving us the chance to establish an adult relationship.

thorsoak

Dear Ztan

Until you have experienced the fear of provoking an attack from your own child - a child whom you've brought into the world, cuddled, carressed, wiped away tears, runny noses and worse - a child whom you've taught, to the best of your ability to know right from wrong, to respect other people, a child to whom you've shown that rights also bring responsibilities in their wake - a child who now towers over you, stands with his feet touching your feet, whose alcohol-laden breath you can feel on your cheek, and whose hand is clenched into a fist, drawn back ready to strike you - all because you will not give him the car keys/money for cigarettes/booze - then you have no right to judge!

hethmar

. "because I can 100% say as a child who's parents completely and utterly gave up on her (despite now admitting they had no reason too) the agnst never leaves you."


This is NOT the same situation I and other parents are talking about.

ztan, I NEVER gave up on my boy. I would spend days walking round the streets looking for him, carrying bags of food for him. When I did find him and hand him the bags of food he would swear at me across the street because I wouldnt hand him money - I didnt want him spending it on drugs. Honestly, you have no idea.

thorsoak, Ive also sat in A and E trying to think up a new convincing story for the blood clot on my leg where Id been given a kicking.

ztan

I'm not judging, not in the way you think I am anyway.

Okay, fine... I'll back off if it makes you all feel better... but if you read the OP, the son in question has not by any standards been that bad. I was responding to the OP, with suggestions for how to make things better for those circumstances.

True, I have not been through what you've been through, and I'm sorry to hear about all of your experiences. It's good to know that when a child is running themselves into a hole, there are some parents out there who care enough to try and help.

I'm simply saying in terms of the OP, I don't think that kicking him out and refusing to open the door for him is going to be the best thing. The OP admits that really, in this case it's just laziness and he is being difficult. Yes he's stolen a few things... but he is not totally out of control in the same way you have experienced.