Kicked my son out of the house and am devastated!

hethmar

Nara, as you say, sometimes you have to hit the bottom before you come up. After son returned to us - well, we picked him up after he rang begging us to, as he had his nose broken by other lodgers at his b and b, who stole his very few belongings and his social security cheque - can you imagine how we felt? Anyway, he said to me that he never imagined how terrible it was to live like that. I think the first month or two in the summer, he thought it was great to do just what he wanted, which was nothing really, hang about with skate boarders, begging in the street, smoking cannabis and so on, but when it got cold and dark, he felt lonely and depressed. I heard him telling some friends a while after he returned who said they were going to leave home, "Don't, Ive been there and its hell".

We cleared out the b and b room for him and found things like hypo needles and so on from people who had dossed there. The place was a pig sty with filthy bedding and a blocked loo. My OH even shed tears when we were there. I just thank god that we had somehow instilled some sense of worth in him, enough for him not to end up on hard drugs and to fight his way back.

alwaysonthego_2

I was thrown out of my home by my parents, at 17, because I got my nose pierced against their wishes [something they regret as I was not a bad kid]. I soon found my feet and got a job working with the elderly and my own flat, with the support from other family.

red_devil

Bubby wrote: »

I do feel for you but I just cannot understand parents who make their children homeless. As their parents you have responsibility for them through good and bad times.

disagree at 18 they are old enough to go their own way. All they have to do is respect the home and they can stay whats then problem?

Sometimes you have to put your own health and sanity first.

bimbo84

If you let him back I think making him leave the house during the day as others have suggested is a good idea. In this weather if he's got nowhere to go he might start seeing a job or college as a better alternative. Also if he's geting JSA I'd make him pay board from it so he's only got pocket money left.

ztan

I was thrown out at 16... 5 years ago. It was extremely difficult at the time, and I spent a very long time being very very angry at my parents. To a certain extent I have never been able to forgive what they did to me... but we are closer now than we have ever been.

I think the key thing that divides people's opinion on this is that you either have a child, or a child who is rapidly becoming an adult and who is utterly frustrated at constantly being treated like a child. It's a difficult line to toe.

I know as a child who was made homeless, this can be a very two sided thing. From what I've read, your son is definitely troubled at the moment, and needs a massive intervention in his life- however based on your description of him... kicking him out may not be to his benefit.

He does not sound self sufficient, and it is likely that in the circumstances, instead of it having the "bucking his ideas up and making him grow up effect" that you're hoping for... he may end up in a worse situation, taking drugs and running with a very bad crowd.

I was lucky enough that when I was thrown out- it was because my parents and I just simply couldn't live together anymore. I had been forced to grow up extremely young, and could not handle having to cook, clean, babysit and pay rent one minute, and then go back to being a child with no right to an opinion the next.

You have to do what you think is best... but I would strongly advise against just throwing him out and shutting the doors. You need to start the long and painful process of making amends. Maybe you could agree to help him pay rent towards a flat to get him set up? Or pay his deposit..? You need to make it clear it's a one time only offer... but I'd seriously recommend not letting your son feel like he's utterly alone and homeless.

If things aren't working out living together, seek alternative, less emotionally scarring options.

I just need to add as well, that whilst as a parent you may get to a point where your child is driving you insane... they are always your child. You can't just choose to stop being a parent because you've decided you don't like your kids. It's a given that there's no instructions on how to handle these things, and no wrong or right.. but honestly this is the one thing from being thrown out I'll never get over. My mum chose my step Dad over me. Kids are always kids deep down and that doesn't ever go away.

FBaby

My partner got kick out of the house by his mum when he was 18. It was the hardest decision she had to make (other family issues that made this very emotional) but she had reached the end of her tether. They didn't speak for over a year and both were devastated, but too stuborn to make the first move. Finally, they did and they got close again. During that time, my partner got himself on his feet, found a job, and learnt the hard reality of life. He has grown up to be a very responsible and self-sufficient man. He adores his mum and wouldn't go a few days without calling her or seeing her. He says it himself, kicking him out was the best decision she could have made, and I agree totally!

ztan

I completely echo your sentiments FBaby- it was the best thing for me in the circumstances, but what would have helped is if my parents had tried to work through the transition period, and helped me get set up in my own life, rather than just abandoning me.

Literally making your child homeless... is different to kicking them out. My parents had no idea where I was, who I was staying with or anything. I had moved to another city within 3 days to be with friends and my boyfriend at the time. It took them a year to agree to talk to me again.

It could have saved a lot of upset and strain had we negotiated a planned move from home, as we'd discussed before. It's often acknowledged in these situations that quite simply, it's living together that doesn't work anymore. Said child needs their own freedom and their own life, and said parent is fed up of the child not being a child and still not really being an adult.

rrf494g

I know how you feel, but at 18 the person is an adult and not a child. You always want to do what is best for your children but there comes a time when the lessons get harder to give. The extreme lack of respect and insulting behaviour that teenagers can generate to those who love them the most is highly destructive to those who get the brunt of it. You have to survive to be of any use to your children (all of them).

If a young adult is behaving this way, they are clearly not happy, and so for their own happiness they need to make a new start somewhere else. Taking responsibility for your own life is a big hard lesson -BUT- by 18 years it has to be learnt. You will always be there for your children but that does not mean encouraging (by your actions) behaviours which are illegal (theft, insulting behaviour, threatened violence).

My advice that you can be there to help (any legal lifestyle) without being a punchbag for insults and arrogant, surly behaviours.

It will pass. The adult will develop. Your relationship will change if you insist on having an adult relationship (and not a parent/2 year old, relationship). Good Luck.

Primrose

I can't begin to imagine how devastated you must feel, but your son is 18 and a legitimate adult now. It's time for him to wake up and face reality. Your house, your rules, and if you've had as much as you can take then I think you are entitled to put your own health and sanity first. And if he's stealing, who knows how much worse it could get. You simply have to put your foot down now.

One thing individuals always have to accept with loved ones who are not conforming is that by ignoring the problem, you are actually condoning it and giving effectively giving them permission to continue. It's the same with kids who binge drink or take drugs.
I think your son now needs some time to consider his options and to learn that life is not a bed of roses funded by others. It will be very hard for you, especially as the weather is now getting colder, but this in itself will help him face up to the reality of what it will be like having to fend for himself with no income and no job. He now needs to experience the scaredness, the hunger and the uncertainty of not knowing where he will sleep or where his next meal will come from. I doubt he will starve but it will perhaps be his first hard adult lesson of what the real world can be like for those who chose not to conform. And the best lessons learned are usually those which have caused the most pain, so stick firmly to this tough love and don't be bullied into taking him back by what others say about making a child homeless. If he won't conform to your reasonable rules, that's his choice and he has to start learning that certain choices bring their own consequences. In a few years' time he will hopefully look back on this period and realise what a stupid and immature idiot he was.

Meanwhile, give him one last chance and if he can't come back and buck his ideas up, try to find him a hostel somewhere so that at least he has somewhere to sleep while he thinks through his options and you know where to make contact with him so that lines of communication are still open between you.

ellay864

I really feel for the OP. Many years ago our dad died when I was 18 and my brother was 15. From the age of 11 at high school he had started causing trouble and so his behaviour wasn't something we could put down to dad dying, but when he only had mum, wrecked with grief at being widowed at the age of 47, trying to look after 2 teenagers she just couldn't cope. He was in trouble with the police, expelled from school and my mum did everything possible including seeking counselling and therapists. He drunk, did drugs and got really violent at home. I had to hide money with friends or he would beat me to get hold of it; he beat my mum to get money from her. Eventually at the age of 17 she had to get an injunction against him so he wasn't allowed within a mile of our house. It took a while for him to sort himself out and he had good and bad times. He didn't move back in with mum for about 4 years. Now at the age of 43 he admits she had to do it and he knows he messed up spectacularly. To all the people who say no parent should take such action, or who say it must be down to parents not trying when kids turn out like that....you just have no idea until it happens to you. My mum only worked part time, spent loads of time with us as kids, tried to instill good morals and principles in us, took active interest in how we did at school...in short she did everything right. I left with A levels, went on to get a degree and a good job...he left with no qualifications and a criminal record. Same parents but the kids as they get older do have to take their share of the blame, and at 18 he is not a child but an adult. I hope things do work out for the OP - its a heartbreaking situation to be in.