Kicked my son out of the house and am devastated!

Laurenbelle

Gosh thank you thank you thankyou! I am so torn that i am not sure who to agree with - the posters siding with me or the posters disagreeing with me. I don't know where he is sleeping tonight, i don't know when last he ate. I do know that he was out dressed up for Halloween last night. It was only about 3 weeks ago the last time and we let him back in later the same day.

He doesn't have a job. He has lost 3 jobs within the last 8 months because he won't get up for work. After the last episode we told him he had to apply for 3 jobs a day and even set up a shared email address for him to use so we could see he was doing it, he was just doing it to please us and didn't even know what he was applying for (job in a woman clothes store and when i asked him he hadn't realised he had done it?) He had to do chores around the house one being helping with the laundry but after we told him to leave yesterday we packed his stuff and realised that instead of doing that properly he stuffed half of it in his cupboard. I knew there were clothes missing but had no idea where they were.

He doesn't work and smokes so we are finding things missing - the last time was a bag of 1p and 2p coins my grandmother saves up for my younger boys and they were playing with the coins earlier on in the day, we went out and when we returned we found a couple on the floor. We looked for the bag to put them away and couldn't find it anywhere, he also said he didn't know where it was. DH went straight up to his room (because he has stole before) and found it in a drawer.

And so on and so on ............
I truly believe in unconditional love and I love him so much and he knows this but he has to realise that it is not ok to disrespect and take advantage of this. He needs to grow up. I can't run around working overtime to make ends meet when he loses jobs because he doesn't want to wake up

Laurenbelle

welshcamper wrote: »

hi, i know how you are feeling, threw my 2 sons out on thursday aged 19 and 20 i have just had enough with the attitude and the disrespect and everything else.

i feel awful..guilty and very emotional..but i know i cant put up with it anymore..but it dosnt stop the feelings inside..i have gave them lots of chances before..and they havnt changed..sorry for my wafflings:(

I am sorry that you are dealing with this too there are no rules are there. You hear people that have been in this situation say that kicking out/being kicked out was the best thing that ever happened and so much was learned etc but where we are sitting at the moment we can only hope that we have the same outcome.

Hugs honey and try be strong xx

Money_maker

Although this is not good, these are more minor matters which could probably be resolved. The stealing is a worry - not so much the bag of coppers but you say he has stolen before. This is a definate no-no and need sorting out as a main concern.

The other stuff sonds very teenagerish to me. I had a friends whose nephew had a similar problem. All changed when he found a new girlfriend and now he has settled down in a job and flat with her.

Can no one give him a kick out of bed every morning for a couple of weeks till he gets motivated in his job? I really do think you need to sit him down and talk to him, he doesn't sound bad - just lazy.

Laurenbelle

mazinmouse wrote: »

Can't really give you any advice from my own experience but I do hope this second time of throwing him out is focusing your son's mind. By not letting him back in it probably is, especially if you let him return home the next day, the last time this happened.

I imagine it must be difficult to convey the message that it's his behaviour you don't love/find intolerable, not him, when the chances are that he won't be making that distinction in his mind. Keep strong.

You are so right about conveying that message, i have told him (so cliched yet true) that i love him and want to see nothing but good for him but at the moment i don't like him. I also told him that if i had a friend treat me like he treat me they would no longer be my friend. He understands when it suits him x

globalds

There was a post a few weeks ago like this.

One of the suggestions was that even without a job he should leave the house at the same time as you go to work and stay out until you are back.
Change the locks if this is the only way to make this happen.

He can spend his days at the library or job centre.

This takes away the very pleasant option of having no money but still being able to sit in the warm , watch telly and eat what he wants through the day.

It is kind of like half way being kicked out ( just in daylight hours)

hethmar

I so feel for you. We had the same thing and it nearly killed me when my OH threw the boy out even though I knew we had tried and tried to help him sort his life out.

All I can say is keep communications open, even if you dont let him return. Try to guide him about finding somewhere to live - get him to contact the council about at least b and b as he is homeless. Also sort out young peoples advice centres for him. And yes, I know how it feels, you go to sleep thinking of them and where they may be and wake up hoping they are safe and well. And sometimes your heart breaks and you cry and cry.

It took my son 9 months living in b and b before he was ready to return home. We still had ups and downs with him but he had learnt in that time and I have to say I feel so grateful that he had the sense not to go even further down hill when he was living amongst people who were really in a very bad situation.

He is now settled with a decent very supportive and level headed girl and making his way in his own little business. The only comfort I can give you is that the vast majority of these problem kids do sort themselves out and come round to being decent adults.

Chin up and do what you can for him but without weakening your resolve. Make it clear you love him but he cant live with you whilst he continues with such a bad attitude.

God bless xxx

Laurenbelle

Money_maker wrote: »

Although this is not good, these are more minor matters which could probably be resolved. The stealing is a worry - not so much the bag of coppers but you say he has stolen before. This is a definate no-no and need sorting out as a main concern.

The other stuff sonds very teenagerish to me. I had a friends whose nephew had a similar problem. All changed when he found a new girlfriend and now he has settled down in a job and flat with her.

Can no one give him a kick out of bed every morning for a couple of weeks till he gets motivated in his job? I really do think you need to sit him down and talk to him, he doesn't sound bad - just lazy.

He is coming back tomorrow afternoon to have a chat and it is lazyness. He is a lovely boy normally and we have a great relationship (yes to prev question he is my stepson but in no other way than name and blood i guess).

I can't tolerate stealing in my house, maybe i am living in my own little world and need to snap out of it and be realistic but whether it is a bag of coppers or £100 it is one and the same.

With regards to the kick out of bed - we have done that and tried to get him to use his alarm clock (s) but his excuse ranges from not hearing them to not being knowing how to work them.

Although he is 18 he hangs around younger boys and girls (15 and 16) and i don't think he wants to grow up yet.

I am in no way saying i have done the right thing, and i wonder if there is any wrong or right.

Laurenbelle

hethmar wrote: »

I so feel for you. We had the same thing and it nearly killed me when my OH threw the boy out even though I knew we had tried and tried to help him sort his life out.

All I can say is keep communications open, even if you dont let him return. Try to guide him about finding somewhere to live - get him to contact the council about at least b and b as he is homeless. Also sort out young peoples advice centres for him. And yes, I know how it feels, you go to sleep thinking of them and where they may be and wake up hoping they are safe and well. And sometimes your heart breaks and you cry and cry.

It took my son 9 months living in b and b before he was ready to return home. We still had ups and downs with him but he had learnt in that time and I have to say I feel so grateful that he had the sense not to go even further down hill when he was living amongst people who were really in a very bad situation.

He is now settled with a decent very supportive and level headed girl and making his way in his own little business. The only comfort I can give you is that the vast majority of these problem kids do sort themselves out and come round to being decent adults.

Chin up and do what you can for him but without weakening your resolve. Make it clear you love him but he cant live with you whilst he continues with such a bad attitude.

God bless xxx

Thank you so much. I am so happy that things worked out the way they did for your son i would like nothing better than for my son to sort himself out. I admire your strength, you knew what you had to do and stuck to it.

cashbackproblems

He already seems to have thrown his life away but not getting an education or having a decent job (they dont just fly out from the sky it takes years of work) and it generally sounds like he has no ambition. When i was tht age i was looking forward to going to uni and getting a job so i could pay for a car and save up for the future.

Key is getting a job and giving him something to focus on then maybe help him buy his own place cos if he has a mortgage he will have no choice but to work.

globetraveller

Don't despair that there is no hope. The relative who put her extended family through hell ( and I can't even write what she did), has turned her life around and now is working part time and putting herself through college.