Coming to terms with a stillbirth

purplepardalis

You will be neurotic the next time. I am now 33 weeks 5 days pregnant and 1 day more pregnant with a live baby than I was last time. I do feel like a milestone has been passed but every day of this pregnancy has been a worry. So don't be getting yourself pregnant again until you are ready. X

no_pennies

oh bless you i know just how you feel i lost my son when i was 18 (yep typical unplaned preg) my son would now be 23 god time flys and ive missed him every single day . i remember obssesing about what he would wear in the coffin , i remember thinking that i knew what it felt like to be heart broken (my heart actually hurt ) . being young i was pressured into a postmortem witch as someone else has said had no conclusive results , also into the hospital sorting a burial ect so it was years before i knew where he was buried so love him say goodbye properly and talk about him always (not something ive always done to my shame ) it took me seven years to want another child . i just want to say keep going put one foot in front of the other and keep breathing in and out i know your just existing at the moment but it will get better i promise xxxx sending my love and thinking about my lee and your felix good night god blesss

glittermonster

i've not read the whole list of posts but my niece was sb in 1999.

if you are on FB then look for the sands page on there - you'll get lots of support.

x

Robinhood

My heart goes out to you and your partner.

After years of trying to concieve with no luck my sister turned to IVF. After several attempts, both NHS and private, she and her partner begun the adoption process. Then out of the blue she concieved naturally. At 38 weeks she lost her baby and had to go through a still birth pregnancy.

You might think how does this help you. It doesn't but this next bit will show you there is always light at the end of the tunnel. She has since given birth to my lovely niece and has just found out that she is expecting again. Both times were by natural conception. Although you may not have any problems conceiving naturally I hope this shows you that there is always light at the end of the tunnel, although it doesn't always seem that way.

Good luck and best wishes.

heretolearn_2

R.I.P. little Felix.

I haven't been in this situation myself but my heart goes out to you both.

On the practical side, is there a friend or family member who can go through your address book and contacts (and Facebook friends) and let everyone know what has happened, to save you from having to keep breaking the news.

And come back here any time you want to talk about Felix. I know it's a hard subject for people to talk about and even though we are 'internet strangers', it might be easier in some ways as time goes on to come back here for a bit of extra support.

morocha

I am so sorry ! i can not begin to imagine the pain you are feeling..
big hugs

KimmyCustard

I am so sorry for yours and your OH's loss, I cant imagine how you two must be feeling. As everyone else has said, keep yourselves well be gentle, and dont be afraid to ask for anyone's help on here, not everyone will know the answers to your questions but they will definitely know someone that has!

Sending love and hugs to both of you and a cuddle to little Felix.

xxxx

missworks2jobs

I just couldn't read and not post. I cannot ever imagine the pain you've been through and cannot possibly think of anything that will make you feel remotely better. I have never been in your situation and hope to never be, I wouldn't wish what happened to your family on my worst enemy.

But I couldn't read & run. Just to let you know that I think you and your hubby are tremendously brave and I want to send you all my warm wishes and hugs through the computer for you.

If you need to write about it (or type) you do it. If you want to cry for hours just do it. I imagine it must be so hard for you but try to remember your partner has also lost a son and his feelings may be just as mixed up as yours. So if he's distant it might be his way of coping. Equally if he seems so strong and supportive secretly he may be brokenhearted and hiding the fact he's on the edge of breakdown. Do whatever you need to do together to help you both get through the day. Talk to each other, be there for each other.

I'm sure you (and anyone who knows you) would move heaven and earth to have prevented such heartache. Do whatever feels right for you, whatever helps to ease the grief dont think about what others may think. Everyone deals with things in different ways, even those who've been through a similar experience will handle it completely different. Just know that your nearest and dearest will only want to help even if it means just sharing your grief and being a shoulder (when you're both ready) to cry on.

I think ebaybaby's idea is a very thoughtful one, if you feel upto it...it might help others feel less helpless and as if they're doing something useful and taking some of the pain away by asking a close friend to let everyone know the sad news. That way you can discuss it with them when you're ready and not have upsetting moments or questions thrust upon you without warning.

Some people make a memory box with photos, footprints, a lock of hair, things they've bought for baby, their hospital tag etc when their baby passes away. It might help with the grieving, or it might be nice to always have those memories kept safe something that stays with you always even though your beautiful son isn't.

I remember a friend of mine saying (granted in rage at someone who was trying to be hurtful about her not having children) after having screamed at her "how would you know, you're not a mother" her retort was classic: "any idiot can get pregnant, its a completely different thing to be a mother".

As everyone else has said just because your baby isn't with you it doesn't make you any less of a mother. You created, nurtured and gave birth to him, you love him and miss him and would have done anything to protect him and have him with you.......that makes you a real mother x x

Mrs_Optimist

This heartbreaking post reminded me of a poem that my grandmother told me when a close friend had a similiar sad experience which I hope will provide you with some comfort OP

In a baby castle
Just beyond my eye
My baby plays with angel toys that money cannot buy
Who am I to wish him back
Into this world of strife
No, play on my baby
You have eternal life
At night when all is silent
And sleep forsakes my eye
I hear his tiny footsteps
Come running to my side
His little hands caress me
So tenderly and sweet
I breathe a prayer
Close my eyes, and embrace him in my sleep
Now I have a treasure
That I place above all others
I have known the glory
I am still his mother

I cannot recall how or why I remembered the words but somehow they stayed with me and they are just so beautiful. Love and hugs to both you and your partner.

themull1

my mam went through what you did, but her first baby was born at 40 weeks, and they only knew the cord was too tight after she was born and she only lived a couple of hours, she had severe brain damage. This was 45 years ago. it made me cry to read your post. I'm so sorry. I really feel for you. As previous posters have said, keep discussing it, don't bury it and don't feel as though you can never talk about it. x My mam went on to have two healthy kids.