Coming to terms with a stillbirth

rumncoke

Big hugs to you & your partner. Have never been in your situation so can not know or begin to imagine your pain. In tears reading though. My only advice would be to talk about it as much as you able. Even if friends find this uncomfortable you both need to express your grief any way you can.
My heart goes out to you.

Jen151

God bless to little Felix, you sound like a wonderful mummy RedwoodBrook. Thank you for telling us about your lovely wee boy xxx

webitha

aww god bless to you both
my sister lost her daughter when she was and hour and a half old, unfortunately the father went on a binge session to get over his grief leaving my sis on her own with 2 small kids so she never got to greave for herself, and she is still angry now 18 years later
she also had bethan hand and foot prints done, which she has just had copied and tattooed on her shoulder

i lost thing 3 twin brother at 24 weeks preggers, so i had to give birth to him then they fought to keep her in, which thankfully was successful, but i couldnt rejoice when she eventually came as i was greving for stephen iyswim

so take time out for yourselves, shout scream cry till there are no more tears left, and talk talk talk then talk some more, make your OH do the same, as bottling up to be strong for you will eat away at him,

take care sweetie, and remember we are here for you, if you fancy a blab, blurt or just to get the forums wet with your tears.
i wont say be strong , as you cant be yet, that will come with time.

clairec79

There is nothing anyone can say or do to make this better for you. My brother and his partner lost their son at 38 weeks the week before you (he was born on the 7th and we buried him on the 14th which would have been his due date). You are still your little boys mother and the fact that he passed on doesn't change that.

People just assume you get past so many months and it's all straight forward, but it's not always. I would let people know - maybe put a message on facebook, even a RIP baby name will clue people in, and save you the heartache of needing to explain to everyone who asks expecting happy news or ask a friend or relative to spread the news, use his name he was a part of your life and your family and will always be that.

Even with a postmortem 50% of stillbirths are unexplained, by your decision you can say goodbye and lay him to rest sooner. This doesn't mean that you will ever forget him, and loosing a baby so close to the end of your pregnancy is one of the most horrendous ways to loose a child, you'll never get 'over' it to be honest but coming to term with it and accepting it seems to be the best you can hope for.


You should have had blood tests and so on taken and will be going back to see an obstetrician in a month or so, this MAY give a reason other than the cord, for example if there was an infection and they will be able to advise you of what will happen if you decide to try for another baby, but give yourself time to grieve over your son first, another baby may fill your arms but there is a space in your heart which was this little ones and that's not going to change. I know SIL will have a lot of monitoring and scans if there is a next time (no cord involvement) and they will offer her induction at 37 weeks I would imagine they would do similar for you.

If you want to talk PM me

poet123

Life is so unfair isnt it? Felix sounds like a beautiful child, and you sound like a wonderful mummy. Whatever gets you through this awful time is what you need to do, be selfish, and listen to your needs and those of your OH.

zippybungle

Really sorry to hear your sad news, it is heartbreaking.

I know it's not the same, but I lost a baby Girl at 26+5 days (nearly 7 years ago). It was a horrible experience and I never thought I would be able to move on, but you do. You have to.

Yes, you will feel angry, bitter, look for answers - that is all part of the grieving process. Just deal with things one day at a time and go easy on yourself.

I have gone on to have 2 more Children, and although I could never forget the Daughter that I lost, life has to go on and the pain feels less raw. I hope you don't find that insensative, I am just trying to show you that you will get through this.

Take care and once again I am very sorry for your loss.

Zippy x

gratefulforhelp_2

Honey, just wanted to say how much I hope that your grief will be healed in time, and that you have the memory of Felix Samuel safe in your heart forever.

You are so very young to cope with this, and I hope you're taking all the support you can.

God Bless darling.

purplepardalis

I lost my son at 34 weeks in November 2006 to a placental abruption. I know exactly what you're going through and I can remember those early days so clearly. You will never be the same again and this whole event will change you but that's not necessarily something to be scared about. People are going to tell you that time heals and you'll get over it. It's true that as time goes by life gets easier but it doesn't heal anything - it just makes you better at coping.

You have got to be gentle on yourself though. If you were working remember that you are entitled to the same maternity rights as if you had a live baby. Take time. Don't stress about the insomnia and those days when you think that you'd just like to go to sleep and not wake up. Don't be scared about having those thoughts - they are normal. Only get worried and see the doctor if you imagine hurting yourself. Your arms feel empty and your hormones probably are telling you to get pregnant again as soon as possible. This doesn't mean you should though - give yourself some time.

Lay on the sofa all day if you want. Get drunk and smoke 20 cigarettes in one sitting if you fancy it. You might be going through a 'bargaining' phase. This is where you say to yourself that you'd give anything or have anything happen in order to have your baby alive. One of mine was thinking I could quite happily have another 9/11 happen again with thousands of people dead if it meant I could have my son alive again. I would trade the lives of thousands for my son. As for my own life - well, I wished many a time it was me that had died instead of him. Don't feel guilty, it's all part of grieving - bargain away if you want.

Throw your energy into the funeral. A good funeral director should not charge for their services for a baby. This includes coffin and car as well. Make sure you say goodbye how you want to - including picking the right songs and getting the right words said.

Sands is excellent for support and so is the pregnancy and infant loss board on baby centre (uk site).

I won't go on about the months that follow - PM me if you want to chat - for now just get through each day.

Thinking of you my fellow Angel Mummy xxx

penguin83

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Felix Samuel is a beautiful name and he sounds like a beautiful boy. Take time to grieve and draw strength from those around you.

Sending much love to you and your partner. xxx

Bloomin_Freezing2

How terribly heartbreaking for you and you partner. I'm so very sorry to hear of you going through this, and that goes to everyone else on here who has couragously shared their stories.

I don't not know how you are feeling as I have never experienced this, although I can totally empathise with you. I just wanted to say that you just have to allow yourself to go with whatever emotions you are feeling, and all of those emotions are the right ones to feel, nothing you feel will be wrong. Allow yourself to scream, shout, cry as much as you need to. Talk to people if you want to, talk to anyone, friends family or people online. Everyone will want to help you, and your partner so please let them do so. I'm sure there will be times when you want to shut yourself away, and that will be ok too.

SANDS are the best know charity I think, but there is also TOMMYS, who have some information which may help you.

Felix sounds like a beautiful little boy, you are his mummy, as everyone has said. No one can ever take that away from you.

Sending you both lots of love, BF. x