Coming to terms with a stillbirth

Morganarla

You are his mummy, and you always will be.

My two beautiful babies did not get the chance to meet me face to face either, but they are part of me. Tears spring to my eyes whenever I speak of them (including now), but I am deeply proud to be their mother.

Give yourself time to grieve, be kind to yourself. Lots of love xxx

izoomzoom

You are his mummy, were from the moment of conception and will be forever.

I am terribly sorry to hear that he grew wings before you have a chance to be together. What is his name ? Would you like to tell us more about him ?

((((hugs to you and your partner)))))

jazzyjustlaw

I have lost two children. I had one girl before that. (still do and she is 21 now). I was 23 and I had a boy who was born at 26 weeks and died after 11 days, then about two years later I went into labour at 19 weeks with another boy - it had nothing to do with the cord, the placenta came away.

I am 38 now and I the pain is still there. Not all day every day sometimes I dont think about it for a week or two. No matter what I do or where I go all of a sudden it comes into my head and my whole body aches.

The first time it happened I couldnt function for about a year. So my advice give yourself time. Treat yourself as if you are your best mate give yourself a break, rest eat properly.

RedwoodBrook

I now understand the intense love parents have for their children. I feel like I want to tell everybody how beautiful he is and describe all his features. My partner and my mum both think he looks like me, and I love that. I can't see it, but I feel so special knowing other people think it. I know I will always be his mummy. I just find it difficult to accept that he won't ever need me.

I have started to feel anger and bitterness the last few days. When I see parents with children or babies, or other pregnant women I just feel a huge sense of longing. Why did it have to happen to me?

I did the dredded google search earlier this evening. I really wish I hadn't. After reading one womans story which seemed to have a lot of similarities to mine, I am really regretting not having a post mortem. How anybody could survive going through this process more than once is totally beyond my comprehension and I am desperatly worried that there may have been underlying problems which could affect future pregnancies. It stated "unknown" as the cause of death on his birth certificate and I am concerned that it will be overlooked if I ever have another pregnancy. Clearly, something went wrong and I cant have it happen again.
My son was 4lb 6oz at birth, with a projected birth weight of 6lb. Neither I nor his dad are particularly big people, but apparently the placenta was very small and obviously 4lb 6oz isnt a huge amount for 36 weeks. There are other issues that were highlighted during the pregnancy but were never considered high enough risk.

I know the loss of my son is still very raw, but I am finding it difficult not to think about having another baby. I feel like I have been robbed of something I was so ready for. I dont want to replace him, I would give everything I have if it meant I could have him back, I just have an incredible life that I want to share.

rach83

Hi

I am so so sorry for your loss and I truly understand how you are feeling. I wish I could take away your pain. I lost my daughter at 40 weeks and 13 days on 6/6/2010 whilst in labour. I am 26 and my partner is 29. I have replied to you on ivillage.

All the ladies on the ivillage board are fantastic and sadly understand your pain and I hope will be of comfort to you.

It is totally ok and normal to get angry and feel bitter towards others. This is something I really really struggle with and they question WHY just constantly comes into reasoning.

Keep talking to us either on here or over on the ivillage board.

Lots of love and hugs xxx

RedwoodBrook

izoomzoom wrote: »

You are his mummy, were from the moment of conception and will be forever.

I am terribly sorry to hear that he grew wings before you have a chance to be together. What is his name ? Would you like to tell us more about him ?

((((hugs to you and your partner)))))

Thank you so much for this post.

I would love to tell everyone about him.

His name is Felix Samuel. That was always going to be his name, right from early on. I dont know why, we both just love it. Sam is my partners name.

He is so beautiful, but I know im biased in saying that. He has the most gorgeous hands and feet, but they are huge! His uncle is a goalkeeper so we think he would have followed in his footsteps. He has long fingers and toes and perfect nails. Much nicer than mine - I bite them!

He has a perfect little nose and lips. I wish I could have seen his eyes, even if just once.
He has lots of curly black hair. Curly like me, and black like his daddy.

It is killing me to write this. My jeans are sodden I have been sat in this position crying for so long. I keep looking over at the picture the hospital did for us. He looks so peaceful, almost like he is sleeping.

jack7

i am so very sorry to hear of your loss. In February 1991 I went into unexpected premature labour with my first daughter at 24 weeks. She was born weighing 1lb 6oz but only lived for half an hour. I was devastated but desperate to have a baby- not to replace Rebecca but because I wanted to be a mum. In November 1991 Gemma Rebecca was born, 3 weeks early and weighing 6lb 1oz. In hindsight, 18 yeras later, maybe it was too soon and I didn't give myself time to grieve for my daughter but I know I am the mum of 3 children (I also have a 17 year old son)and my two living childen know they had an older sister. You will never forget your son but hopefully you will eventally expereince the joy of your own family.

There_Goes_Trouble

I have no personal experience but do read the blogs of people who have experienced the same tragedy you are going through now. If it would help to read them I will send you the links.

I love the name Felix, it's not an every day name yet it's not so unusual that no one's heard of it. You are and always will be his mother, he will always be your first born.

My partner has been a great source of strength. We have been faced with a situation neither of us ever imagined and I am envious of his ability to cope.

Don't be fooled, he may well be being strong for you, but he needs to address his grief as well and not try and overcome it.

Please do check out the links posted above and seek as much help as you can find.

Wishing you strength, love and courage at this difficult time and for as long as you need it.

mrcow

I'm so sorry to hear about your son. I just wanted to say, don't beat yourself up about the post mortem. I can 100% understand why you didn't want one and at the time, you made the right decision for you and your little boy. Speaking with your consultant at some stage is always an option for you in the future if it's any help, even if it's months down the line, you can make an appointment through their secretary.

It is really hard to face people, and there is no rush to worry about any of that. Don't force yourself to do anything - if avoiding people is the way to go, then that's just fine. If you need to cry and be angry, then that's just where you are. I remember slamming my front door in the vicar's face at one stage......one of the most theraputic things I think I've ever done.

Keep posting here too. I can't overstate what a lovely, caring, supportive bunch of people are on this site. Your little boy sounds beautiful, precious and loved.

got-it-spend-it

I am so sorry for your loss Redwood, and from what you have said Felix sounds like a beautiful little boy.

As others have said you will always be his mummy and he will always be your first son. I think you should talk about him if you want to, and I'm sure people will want to hear.

I don't know if this is helpful, but friends of ours lots their son at full term last year and they've just had a baby girl. They did have extra monitoring etc with the second pregnancy, but everything was fine.

Please keep posting here if it helps, and you are in my thoughts x x