Coming to terms with a stillbirth

RedwoodBrook

I'm not really sure why Im posting this, I think I just need a place to release some of the emotion I am feeling. I have used this site before and have seen how it can help. I am hoping there will be somebody who can offer me something.

After a difficult and somewhat poorly managed pregnancy, I lost my son at 36 weeks.

I could feel his heartbeat on Saturday 9th October. I went to the cinema with friends on Monday 11th and felt 'different'. I woke up on Tuesday 12th feeling panicked. My partner and I tried to find his heartbeat using our angelsounds doppler but couldnt. I phoned the hospital who told me to go straight down. We were sat waiting for about an hour I think. I remember Jeremy Kyle being on the TV in the waiting area, the episode was about a woman coming to terms with a miscarriage. The midwife took me into the scanning room I had been in exactly 3 weeks before when I had felt him moving less. I couldnt bring myself to look at the monitor because I knew what she was going to say. But she spent about 15 seconds scanning my stomach then said "I'll just go and get my colleague but it doesnt look like good news".

Fastforward two very painful days.

My son was born at 22:10 on 14th October.

The cord was wrapped twice, very tightly around his neck. I don't know if this is what caused his death. When he was born the midwife commented it was "very tight" and she was unable to get her fingers between it and his neck. My partner also told me it left an impression several hours after he was born. We opted not to have a post mortem. We had originally said yes, but after seeing the cord we both felt this was conclusive enough for us. His little body was so delicate already I couldnt face the idea of a PM.

Im sorry if this post hasn't made much sense. I am just writing what comes into my mind. I can't put into words how I feel. It just isnt possible. I am just hoping there will be someone who understands the pain I am feeling and who can tell me there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Torry_Quine

I can't begin to imagine the pain that you are going through. I would have thought that the hospital would have information on support services. Also SANDS will be able to help ( don't know the address.)

fedupnow

RedwoodBrook wrote: »

I'm not really sure why Im posting this, I think I just need a place to release some of the emotion I am feeling. I have used this site before and have seen how it can help. I am hoping there will be somebody who can offer me something.

After a difficult and somewhat poorly managed pregnancy, I lost my son at 36 weeks.

I could feel his heartbeat on Saturday 9th October. I went to the cinema with friends on Monday 11th and felt 'different'. I woke up on Tuesday 12th feeling panicked. My partner and I tried to find his heartbeat using our angelsounds doppler but couldnt. I phoned the hospital who told me to go straight down. We were sat waiting for about an hour I think. I remember Jeremy Kyle being on the TV in the waiting area, the episode was about a woman coming to terms with a miscarriage. The midwife took me into the scanning room I had been in exactly 3 weeks before when I had felt him moving less. I couldnt bring myself to look at the monitor because I knew what she was going to say. But she spent about 15 seconds scanning my stomach then said "I'll just go and get my colleague but it doesnt look like good news".

Fastforward two very painful days.

My son was born at 22:10 on 14th October.

The cord was wrapped twice, very tightly around his neck. I don't know if this is what caused his death. When he was born the midwife commented it was "very tight" and she was unable to get her fingers between it and his neck. My partner also told me it left an impression several hours after he was born. We opted not to have a post mortem. We had originally said yes, but after seeing the cord we both felt this was conclusive enough for us. His little body was so delicate already I couldnt face the idea of a PM.

Im sorry if this post hasn't made much sense. I am just writing what comes into my mind. I can't put into words how I feel. It just isnt possible. I am just hoping there will be someone who understands the pain I am feeling and who can tell me there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Keep writing and keep talking ..... talk, talk, talk until you can't talk anymore.

My heart is bleeding for you. I am so so sorry for your loss.

Please take care of yourself and your partner and each other ... talk, talk, hug, hug,

xxx

Kaz2904

OMG, I'm so sorry. I didn't want to read and run. I've never been in this situation myself but have seen it happen to a few people over the last few years.
I cannot begin to imagine the loss you are feeling right now.
Can't think of anything else to say.....

meritaten

I wish I hadnt clicked on this post..........but as I have - I am in tears, I feel your pain.
I cant say anything which will help you sweetie. you are greiving for your son and I cant do anything or say anything which helps. I havent lost a baby like you have - but I did lose a baby which would have been my first borns twin. Its not the same - I know it isnt. you must grieve in your own way, all I can say is.........I am so sorry.

McKneff

aw bless you both, this must be such an awful time for you both and of course your families.

Take comfort from each other and dont shut each other out, its so easy to fall into the trap of it being me, me, me,
Your other half has lost his son too.
No point in platitudes they dont help. And take some comfort from all of us thinking of you at such a sad time.

Sneezy

There's nothing to say apart from i'm sorry for your lost xx

ddebski_us

I am so so so sorry. I cannot imagine the pain and sorrow you are going through and I know that no words I can type can make your suffering stop.

Grieve and cry and talk as much as you need to, and take time to look after yourself and your OH.

And God bless your little one.

xDx

Sagz_2

So sorry for the loss of your son xxxx my thoughts are with you and your partner

rose28454

Just sending you and your partner a big hug and my deepest sympathy.

jaspercat2002

Not sure if I am allowed to post links to other forums but there is a very supportive board at ivillage that may be a good place to talk to others who know what you are are going through

http://messageboards.ivillage.co.uk/iv-ukpblateloss

My thoughts are with you - I can't begin to imagine what you are feeling
xx