Alone and need advice from strong people

BitterAndTwisted

Darling have you been onto the Land Registry website and downloaded those forms?

Have you changed the locks?

Once you've done those making the next moves to protect yourself and your future will be easier. So, so very much easier. Little steps and DON'T LOOK BACK!

ford_prefect_3

On the subject of child support at 15% of his Net earnings if he is paying £105 per week and as a contractor grosses £1500 per week, after expenses, tax and NI he is probably paying more than he would be under the CSA.

The treats he buys for his daughter are also things you dont have to pay for as well, it all adds up.

I am not sure if you said you have a boyfriend or your daughter does, if its you and you co habit then its probable that the order for finances will have a clause to end the spousal support as well.

You need to plan for yourself, what if he dies tomorrow? Start thinking about what your going to do when your daughter leaves the family home.

Edited to add, just re read and its the daughters boyfriend, ignore that bit. Also saw your bit on his earnings, to be honest an IT contractor who has a £70K contract but pays tax on £43,000 needs a better accountant! That said, the £105 per week looks pretty accurate.

swingaloo

Yoga and meditating (when I'm sober).

No one has seemed to pick up on this part. Having read the whole thread I really dont know what to advise. I think you need a really good counsellor. All the advice about keeping him out, changing the locks etc is great but I dont think you are ready to do any of those things.

As well as the depression there is a massive amount of bitterness which is understandable to a degree but until you let it go and move on with your own life things will not improve. Ive read the thread through three times now and the feeling I get is that you just want your family back intact. You feel worthless without it and thats not how you should feel.

The other thing that strikes me is that you cant accept the difference between his lifestyle and yours. You are now divorced and as long as he pays maintenance for your child still at home which is fair and in line with his income, then the rest has nothing to do with you really. He dosnt have a duty to support you for life however muich he is earning. However whilst he is still using YOUR home as a second home and you are allowing it to happen then your lives are still intertwined and this adding to the feeling that he should be paying you more.

The answer is to tell you to get him out of your life and move on from your marriage, become self sufficient, but no matter how many times this is said I doubt you are going to do it.

Please ask to be referred for counselling, you are still young enough to form a new family circle, meet new friends and become a strong independent woman.

Juicyloo

Thanks Swingaloo, and everybody else. The thing is, he doesn't have a lifestyle, he's not showy, never has been- if you came across him you would never guess how much he earns. (One of the things I still love about him).

To try to sum up the mess, I think we both went along with the 'flow' of the divorce process when he eventually was asked to leave and this time did.

He left on the Sunday, went straight to a solicitor next day, and I got a letter on the Weds asking me to contact a solicitor as he wanted a divorce (happened to be our DD's 14th birthday! This was 2007).

He then did not go on to apply for divorce, and my legal aid solicitor advised me to apply as it would give me control. This I did and signing that form was the worst day of my life.

The proceedings continued, but he came around every day still, we even went on a camping holiday together with DD 2 months later.

Since then he just comes round more and more. It is almost denial. Everyone around us are confused- the neighbours, family- Christmas cards are interesting! Sometimes I include his name, sometimes not, and people 'just don't ask'.

This is coming up to 4 years in June and is doing my head in. I phone him and say this has to change, then miss him.

I think that he likes the fact that I now have responsibility for all the bills/maintenance of the property etc., and he lends me money and knows how short I am.

I am so ground down, I cannot make descisions.

On the one hand I wonder what kind of man can be like this after 27 years together, then I think it's me and he must really not like me very much. I'm pretty sure he comes round to see our DD, but he even comes around when she's not here and we watch TV together. We have had no physical contact whatsoever for about 10 years now. I gave him a hug midnight new years eve and he was so evasive, it actually hurt.

I have been to counselling, I have put on loads of weight and am sure it is a protection thing. It happened way after kids were born- in late 30's all of a sudden. That just makes me a recluse.

And then I have my parents to care for. His Dad was a good friend of my parents since their youth, as we all live locally. Interestingly, my ex FIL sent me a card with the usual 40 quid in it this Christmas. The first year since we split- he has ignored my existence up till now.
This all adds together to mess with my mind.

You're right. I would let him come back tomorrow, and ask him to, but he seems to be happy that I am in a benefit trap and going out of my mind with confusion.

This will have to change when youngest(DD) is 18 in June. Then I will have to either go to court to apply for a variation of lifetime order for Spousal maintenance, or goodness knows what else!

Juicyloo

Soupdragon, just read back and noticed the self-help book advice.

Interestingly I have been Amazon's best customer for the las few years- trying to 'fix' myself.

I have always been an avid reader...but my reading habits have changed. I actually find self help books too much sometimes.

I have bought so many books I have nowhere to put them all!!!

As for the previous poster (sorry cannot go back and look for the name) who said 'What do I want?', that is also a problem, as I just don't know- peace of mind like all of us, and enough. Enough happiness, enough love, enough freedom, financial and otherwise, enough health, energy and vitality- and, actually, enough pain to make me a better person and enable me to appreciate what I have.

Guess that's just me being a dreamer as usual. Problem is my dreams are hard to bring to mind nowadays.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

A belief in Karma is all very well - but no substitute for getting off your bum and doing things for yourself, rather than getting chewed up over the unfairness of it all.


Ever heard the phrase 'poor me, poor me, pour me a drink'?.

It means basically, that learned helplessness and self pity is used to justify not acting to change the unacceptable situation.

As you're not happy, do something to change it.

Not read something, not post about how terrible your life is and how mean your ex is, or how it's just not fair.

DO something.

Juicyloo

Yup, maybe. But who mentioned Karma- though I do believe in it.

Where do I start in doing things for myself- honestly, I don't have a clue- feel completely stuck.

Ma_Boswell

The idea of Karma is lovely - when the people who are mean to you get their comeuppance - not so good when something awful happens to you for no reason and you think "well, i must have done something to deserve it". A couple of useful phrases i find are "Bad things happen to good people" and "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".
Where do you start? Silly and mundane, i know, but i decorated when times were very upsetting. I'm not very good at it, but a whole new colour for the hallway made me feel like i had made a change in my life. Or if time and cash are in short supply - move the furniture around - physical labour is distracting, planning where to put things keeps the mind working and you have something new to look at.
I mentioned self-help books but with the caveat that they can get a bit much - do you have a favourite fiction author? Re-reading beloved books can take you out of yourself for an hour or two and that can be a huge help. Doing anything that you have to focus on is really good.
And What do you want ( think that was me) - the big intangibles are important - freedom etc. - but they are built from small pieces - think of something small you would like to do/have, something achievable. You have so many books that you have nowhere to put them? Build/get (charity shop/freecycle) a bookshelf or reorganise the ones you have....start small and build your way up. And if someone is negative about what you are doing remember its what you want to do.

soupdragon10

Just a suggestion but on the next bright sunny day take a walk to the local park. Wrap up warm and just sit on a bench. Take 30 minutes time to look around you - who is there, what is there?

Sometimes just taking time away from the situation can help to restore a sense of perspective.

You could take a book to read, or treat yourself to a favourite magazine you haven't read in a while.

It's very easy to get into a mindset where 'poor me' is all that runs through your head (I've been there). Just making time for yourself in a small way can help you begin to look at other things that you did in the past that you might want to take up again.

Juicyloo

Hiya Ma, notsure what floats your boat with books for escapism/page turners, but recently found Peter James, you have to read them in the right order though. Also read Linwood Barclay (very American but easy read) and Nicci French. They are really good, as is Clare Seeber.

I'm not sure I want anyone to get comeuppance, I just want people to be fair and loving to others, life ebbs and flows after all, and we all have the same basic needs, whichever way we go about getting them.