Alone and need advice from strong people

Ma_Boswell

Dear Juicyloo - first of all you have my sympathy - my ex drove me to a nervous breakdown, so i understand how awful you must feel. 15 years on i can look back at that woman and feel very sorry for her and disgusted with the way she was treated - but i am no longer someone's victim and the same will one day be true for you. The best advice i ever had was from a Relate counsellor - she asked me "What do you want to do " and i replied "Well i suppose i should..." - she stopped me there " No" she said " I asked what do YOU WANT to do". If you have been mentally and emotionally bullied ( as i was , as you have been and still are being) you forget that you have as much right to want things as anyone else. I understand the whole nurturing thing - my house was full of everyone's kids for years BUT i was totally upfront about having no money, so once they boys could contribute ( i was a single mum when i had two 12 year olds and a 15 year old) they did - and if they wanted me to feed other people it was understood that it would be egg and chips or nothing!
I wish i could advise you on how to get your ex out of your life - as long as he can come and go as he pleases he is preventing you from moving on. I was able to point out to mine that he was being unfair treating the house as his own and he took it well - sadly he died shortly afterwards ( very strange situation to deal with ) so it ceased to be an issue - though, obviously that created a lot of other issues.
You don't need to become hard and cold - you do need to be a little kinder to yourself - remember "It ain't a crime to be good to yourself".

soupdragon10

Do you get on well with your GP? because many of the feelings you mention can be symptoms of some kind of depression - and trying to be assertive when depressed is really hard, they might also be able to offer advice about your weight gain which you mentioned.

It's hard to ask for money or say no to people you love, and have to deal with the consequent anger/resentment etc. but each time you come out the other side just a little stronger - the first time is always the hardest.

Does your ex still have a key to the house? If so I would suggest changing the locks, just to make the point that if he wants to come in you invite him (or not).

Hope you manage to sort something out that works for you.

ecgirl07

Juicyloo wrote: »

The emphasis 'your' makes me think.

I have been told I don't deserve the house- Driving the car I feel I don't deserve it.

Gosh bullying mind control is BAD

if its deserve, they dont deserve you and dont deserve to put up with all their cr*p.

kick them all out until they respect you and your house, tbh selling the house and buying yourself a small 2 bedroom flat/house thus clearing your debts and sounds the best long term plan. You are 46 with loads of life left to live so live it on your terms not the terms of other adult who just happen to be family or ex.

Juicyloo

I really think my main problem is knowing I did not represent myself well enough.

The first FDR hearing was put back from October till January on the advice of the old GP (who didn't know what to do with my breaking down- looking back)

I tried to complain via head of department, then law society, but they only deal with administrative negligence. I have six years to complain against professional negligence as been advised.

Feeling much calmer nowadays, but very up and down.

Yoga and meditating (when I'm sober).

I haven't been near a man for years.

Being honest here

meritaten

juicyloo - I have read the whole thread and you come across as a warm compassionate........doormat. sorry thats blunt - but thats how it strikes me! your daughter is lovely you say - hmmmmmmm, your son doesnt live with you but he has a key and will let his dad copy it......lovely son that! your ex treats you with disdain and walks into your home and you let him raid the fridge!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I bet you cook for him too! Why do you feel you are unworthy of respect?
you complain about solicitors not getting you what you need or want? dont you think that the way you allow your ex to behave or your kids may be hampering their efforts? you say you want to change - but I havent seen ANY evidence of that since last october when you first posted!
YOU are in charge of your life - its simple hun - your ex is not allowed in YOUR home! get a restraining order.
your kids arent allowed to give him keys - if they do then the key priviledge is removed. and they pay for the locks to be changed.
put the house up for sale! its a bad place for you and you cannot afford it! find something you like and has two bedrooms. for you and daughter if she agrees to live by your rules.
GUESS WHAT HUN - FOR THE FIRST TIME YOU ARE IN CHARGE! and you are you know - you just havent realised it yet!

Juicyloo

Honestly.. I don't know how not to be a doormat, but you're right meritaten, you are all right, as in all the posts- thank you

About the solicitors though, should not whole picture be taken into consideration?

The more I type, the more I want to let go and move on.

Ma_Boswell

Sometimes writing things down makes them seem clearer - if its working for you that's fantastic. I remember at one of my low points writing down the things i had done in the last year and i was astonished at what i had achieved ( this was before i had the internet). You have been conditioned to be a doormat, it can be reversed - there has been some great advice about possible depression on this thread so do consider those posts - i wonder if any other posters can recommend any good books for you? I can't recall any at the moment, but will have a think. A lot of self-help is too airy-fairy ( in my view) but there are one or two out there that can help you move on.

meritaten

juicyloo - you are overthinking things! if you were my daughter I would be saying
do you want your ex in your home? no? then get a restraining order.
do you want your kids letting him in? no? then tell them if they do they are out! sorry but its your home and you dont want him in it and they SHOULD respect that! as adults would.
NO - the whole picture isnt YOUR concern. YOUR concern is your circumstances! DO NOT worry about your ex or anyone else - let them worry about themselves! do they concern themselves about YOU?
you have enough problems hun - I dont want to add to them - if you were my daughter I would be saying all of the above to you with loving concern and offers of help. who is helping you?

soupdragon10

I found 'The Successful Self' by Dorothy Rowe very useful to dip in to, it's not a book you'd read cover to cover at a sitting, but there is some very useful information in there. (look on Amazon or e-bay as there's usually a few cheap copies there if your local library doesn't have a copy).

Do agree that many of the 'self help' books give you such intangiable information that you end up more confused than you were to start with.

bluebag

The way to stop being a doormat is just to say NO, that's it! No discussion, no argument, no going back on it, no analysing it, nothing, nada, zilch. Just plain simple NO and keep on saying it, as many times as it takes.