Alone and need advice from strong people

thorsoak

Juicyloo - just checking - how are you feeling after this weekend?

Did ex come round to rummage in the fridge etc????

Hope your dad had a good weekend too.

Juicyloo

Have just come back on here and reread the whole thread- Oh my goodness what a bad place I was in.

I changed GP around that time and was given anti-DPs that actually work after years of GP since birth telling me he was sick of me and could not do anything for me, despite knowing the whole family issues!

I started to feel the 'old me' again.

Ex continued/s to come around, he spent christmas here and bought me a kindle and very expensive coffee maker. (I'm typing this because the whole situation is ludicrous).

Son moved back in from rented house at end of November. His girlfriend and her child (3) who calls my son 'Daddy'(whole different debate), and daughter's lovely boyfriend were here for christmas also and it was the most familywise christmas I ever had.

You'll be shocked by this though, son works full time, does not pay a penny. Daughter boyfriend round here most of time(big appetite), on jobseekers (19) and does not contribute. I am effectively paying for food for 6 people most of the time on the benefits.

He 'lost' his contract just before the fdr hearing, then rented a bungalow! When the fdr hearing was over, he moved in with his dad, as stated before, and went back to work on 1st Feb last year. As I am still company secretary (not supposed to be but he not asked me to resign), he asked me to sign end of year reports foe tax year 2009-2010. He took 16k salary for 2 months! The CSA , when I contacted them in March 2009, said 'he had only just gone back to work and so he didn't earn much. He lives with his dad !!!!!! and is away on expenses most of the week!

So he is taking over 6k a month salary, yet child maintenance is paid on him disclosing 43k per year, and the joint lives maintenance he pays me is 65 quid a week., 105 per week for Z.

If he was away from here getting on with his own life it would be different, but he comes around as if he still lives here. I have said to him today not to come round as I am emotionally exhausted.

I said to him, I will either go to solicitors, or he should do the decent thing and offer more which he can afford. All the maintenance he pays goes on outgoings for this large house, and no I don't have sky, cancelled it! But do have about 7k debts to high interest credit cards which I had to use to live when heleft.

He said he will come back if I change!!! I have put 6 stone on because of the stress- devaluing myself- I hate him being in control 4 years after leaving.

Juicyloo

This is the most ridiculous thing. Exactly one month to the day before my Dad had his stroke (5/5/06), my parents bought an audi A4 which was a year old but had been a demonstrator at the audi garage.

They had had another L regd audi estate for many years. As working class paople, the two cars were the best they had saved for, and inheritances etc had allowed them to buy.

The Audi then became the way to transport my Dad. He does not remember the car at all. His dementia as a result of the stroke is so bad.

My mum has never driven so the only time the car has been driven is when me and ex hubby have driven it to take them places. Problem is I connot get my Dad out of the house in his wheelchair by myself, as mum refuses help from SS, so the car was rotting on the driveway. It is an 05 audi estate and has been serviced and mot'd but has still only done 9500 miles.

My mum gave it to me the other day. Ex and son are furious and the nastiness, insults, derogatory comments, have been terrible.

I have had to change my insurance (obviously) and need to sell my car.

All the time I am driving it I am thinking of my dad and how it should be him driving it.

Buddingblonde

Juicyloo wrote: »

I wonder at what point to stop pursuing this.

When you realise that your sanity is worth more than any money. Moving on and being happy is the best revenge. If he is a lying cheating toad then he will get his in the end.

You only get one life - make the changes that you need to make for your future and live xx

Good luck to you

bluebag

Juicyloo wrote: »

thanks carefullycautious, it is making me bitter.

My last post crossed with yours.

I wonder at what point to stop pursuing this.

Problem is he comes round to my house after work and expects to be fed, comes around and stays at weekends (never sleeps here) and no matter how many times I tell him I m the parent with care for our youngest, there is no access provision, he just rings her and she will say not coming back home today etc. And no we are not a couple,our personal life stopped many years ago.

I feel sad for your situation, divorce is awful. It took me time to stop wanting him to have several evil diseases all at once.

Soon will come a time you will want to let this go and begin to build a new life for you and your child. Sometimes what happens in divorce isn't fair, but living with what is and making the very best of it can bring a lot of peace.

Wishing you well.

soupdragon10

Sounds as though you are allowing those around you to do as they wish in your home, with the emphasis on YOUR. There is no reason why other adults in the house can't contribute for their keep - simple if they don't pay, don't feed them.

You are letting them be in control of the situation, including your ex just coming round when he wants. My ex hasn't passed the threshold since we split up and to be honest if he tried the answer would be a resounding NO.

Have you tried asking for contributions - JSA for example is designed to help people while looking for work, including living expenses, so I can't see why even a minimal contribution couldn't be asked for.

Sorry if this sound abrupt, but it sounds as though they are living at your expense.

Juicyloo

Thanks for your replies.

Soupdragon (loved the Clangers btw), feel so weary.

I know I'm in denial. I just want to be the nurturing Mum in th family house, and he lets me play that game to an extent.

Have not been on one night out since we split. didn't go on many before that either! As for physical pleasures- well cannot remember.

I feel fat and ugly and could not contemplate a man wanting or liking me now at 46.

I used to be a pretty , never thin, but attractive woman. Now I am fat, bloated. I cut my hair obsessively (fringe) and they all take the p**s out of me.

I need to stop being a victim- don't I?

I'm trying to take my control back, please help.

shaven-monkey

Change the deeds to your name.

Tell the Ex that while you appreciate the occasional expensive gifts, they're not edible and don't fetch a very good price second hand so would he just give you the cash value instead.

Put a pot in the middle of the kitchen table instead of a meal. If the hungry mouths turn up and ask "what's this?" you can tell them that if there's nothing in the pot, what can you cook ?
If they start with the "but but but..." tell them to take their butt home or order takaway for everyone.
Change the locks, it's your house your home and not a drop in center. If he wants to come round after work to be fed and sit round using your heating, light and water then he can pay £20 admission on the door.
Sell the house. Pay off debts.
Move somewhere cheaper.

It's difficult to seperate emotional and well trained responses from the day to day problems of living but it is a lot easier to deal with everything if you adopt a cold, calculating and suspicious mindset:-

They come to you for food because it saves them money and effort, they make gestures (like gifts) because they feel they should do something and a gesture is less expensive, more feelgood behavior than actually commiting to help you out.

Juicyloo

The emphasis 'your' makes me think.

I have been told I don't deserve the house- Driving the car I feel I don't deserve it.

Gosh bullying mind control is BAD

Juicyloo

It's difficult to seperate emotional and well trained responses from the day to day problems of living but it is a lot easier to deal with everything if you adopt a cold, calculating and suspicious mindset:-

Not sure how I post a quote, but thanks Shavenmonkey

I struggle to be tough, hard, cold- I'm just not like that. I am suspicious though.