Alone and need advice from strong people

thorsoak

Juicyloo wrote: »

Problem is he comes round to my house after work and expects to be fed, comes around and stays at weekends (never sleeps here) and no matter how many times I tell him I m the parent with care for our youngest, there is no access provision, he just rings her and she will say not coming back home today etc. And no we are not a couple,our personal life stopped many years ago.

WHAT???? Right - stop that RIGHT NOW!

You do NOT feed him - start practising "Sorry - but no I haven't shopped and cooked for you". We're divorced - remember".

Obviously he wants to see his daughter - but he can take her out - not come to see her in YOUR home. After all, she's 17 - not 17 months!

At 17 your daughter will have her own life - and even if you were still together you'd get phone calls from her "mum/dad - I'm stopping over at X's tonight".......

But stop making yourself his doormat. If he wants to eat - he can afford to eat out - not at your expense! Even if he were to bring food round - you should not cook it - you're not his personal handmaid!

Stop getting angry about the system - start cutting off the ties that are dragging you back to him.

It's your home now - not his - he has no right to walk in and slump in front of your tv (the licence is in your name!) - and expect life to go on as before.

Juicyloo

thorsoak- he even goes in the fridge- makes himself food, just like he lives here.

I know I am a fool, 'nowt like an old fool' my dad used to say.

I said before that I have mental helth issues, and self esteem is a big part of it. I know I am being walked all over but cannot seem to stop letting it happen.

The stuff with my solicitor is a big issue. Have tried complaint procedure, therefore changed solicitor. Have gone to complaints with law society. They came back and said they can only deal with admin issues and advised what I already knew- professional negligence.

Have spoken to no win no fee x2 and all they are interested in is how much money I have lost! That is not an amount I can say! How do I complain about incompetence? If I burnt my hand I could pursue negligence, why do I have to say how much I stood to lose?
Nothing was said in court about my ongoing (10 years previous) mental health, and also not mentioned was the fact I am a full time carer and had been for over a year before separation.

sassy_one

Try contacting your local CAB office

Sorry to hear your marriage has broken down

thorsoak

I would concentrate on one thing at a time - and at the moment you need to get this man out of your home - find another solicitor (you can get half hour free) and check up whether or not you can change the locks - I'm not clear on this point myself - although there will be someone come along here who will be able to tell you whether or not you can!

If you can't - there is nothing to stop you getting some bolts and BOLTING the doors from the inside so that he can't come and go as he pleases! It is ridiculous!

If you are complaining about a solicitor's incompetance, it is a long and ardous (and difficult task). It is very rare to get one solicitor to act against another one - and if you are going to do it yourself, you are going to have to do your own research, etc.

Better to try and find a good family law solicitor - a rottweiler in a wig - who can try to renegotiate the terms & conditions.

But it might be 100% better for your mental health if you let it go - get him out of your life completely and take control of it again - for yourself. You're still young - in your 40s? You've got a full life ahead of you - you can do it!

GobbledyGook

I've been in a similar position so I totally understand the anger and getting a bit bitter.

It really sounds to me like you are allowing your ex to walk all over you. From what I can take from your posts like me you find it hard to say no - I bent over backwards to be nice/civil to my ex in the beginning when he was being a totally "swearyword" to me.

You need to change the locks. Have a yale style lock that means he cannot walk in. It may have been his house at one point, but it is now YOUR HOME. He needs to respect that and he will not off his own back. So no walking in, no helping himself to the fridge contents etc. He is showing no respect for you at all.

Your daughter is 17. She doesn't have to ask permission to stay out (gosh I was nearly married at that age lol!). However there should be rules. When I was that age I had to ring before a certain time if I wasn't coming home - if my Grandmother had started making my tea then I was to come home as we didn't have the money to waste the food!

I know it's horrid changing your lifestyle. My children and I have had to drastically change our lifestyles since my split. I could probably get much more in maintenance from my ex, but I am happy that I am living on the amount he is giving atm (CSA amount - nothing for me) and it means he doesn't have so much of a hold over me. If he swans off with a new girlfriend or (god forbid) gets hit by a bus tomorrow then I'll be ok.

Most importantly look after yourself. Don't let him wind you up. He may have more money, but he does not have you and you will be worth more than he has!!

Gemma x

Juicyloo

Thorsoak- of course I can change the locks, the property is mine now (pity I just cannot get myself to change the deeds into my name only, even though the court ordered that!) I changed the locks once before and he just got a copy of my sons new key.

I deleted a reply I wrote earlier, as, on reading it back, I just wanted to kick myself for the self pity. It's almost like the reframing in nlp where you take a step away. I wanted to give myself a kick up my own butt! It just isn't that simple somehow.

What the heck is wrong with me?

As for our daughter- of course she is 17 and can make her own decisions, but in protecting her 'normality' I am making myself ill.

The letter from his solicitor requesting divorce came through on her 14th birthday. I have never made a thing about access, to the extent that they come and go as they please (ex and daughter). Problem is I think that is where it started, he just takes the mickey.

The bottom line is he comes and goes as he pleases, now only pays me a very small part of his salary (£105 per week when earning over £1500 each week is pittance), and yet is seen as the big daddy cashcow who spoils daughter (but for some reason is very mean with son). I think I'm starting to grow some, the more I write this down the more real it becomes.

I have an appointment with new solicitor next Thursday, problem is, when I spoke to her yesterday she could not even remember me! I liked what she had to say when she met me a couple of months ago- now not so sure. Does anyone know a good family lawyer who will accept legal aid clients?

Juicyloo

GobbledyGoop- love the 'swearyword' comment- made me smile.

I have a yale lock so could deadbolt when I need to- but I just never have the heart to. I cannot get rid of my personality. I always was and still am a giver, a carer, and I guess I still love and respect him as the father of my children, and the man I spent half my life(and made a life)with.

I am really old fashioned and do not know how not to be.

I went onto a dating website, and got lots of replies(don't know why, as have put on 6 stone during this mess), but I think my face is still pretty maybe.

When I was approached I didn't know what to do with myself, felt really uncomfortable. Really did not feel ready.

Please help

RAS

Juicyloo wrote: »

Problem is he comes round to my house after work and expects to be fed, comes around and stays at weekends (never sleeps here) and no matter how many times I tell him I m the parent with care for our youngest, there is no access provision, he just rings her and she will say not coming back home today etc. And no we are not a couple,our personal life stopped many years ago.

Well to start with stop feeding him. You are broke and perhaps he would like to order a takeaway?

Be very careful regarding the daughter as if she ups and goes, you lose the maintenance payment for her. He could also claim reduced maintenance if she is staying over nights with him.

However, you need to make it quite plain that he is not welcome to come to the house for the weekend.

RAS

Juicyloo wrote: »

(pity I just cannot get myself to change the deeds into my name only, even though the court ordered that!) I changed the locks once before and he just got a copy of my sons new key.

FGS, if you die, he will get the house!!!!!!!!

Do you realise this?

Also as long as his name is on the deeds, he is legally entitled to enter the house any time he likes.

You need to go to the land regsitry web-site and run off the paperwork needed to change the deeds NOW. You do not need a solicitor to do this.

And buy another yale and advise both children that if they fgive him their key, they will be paying for the replacement.

thorsoak

Juicyloo - might I suggest that you look at two threads - one on this board - and the other on the mortgage free wannabe board. The one on this board started as "Am I too controlling over money" started by Julliff and the second - also started by Julliff is "Move mortgage mountain".
These tell Julliff's tale out of her marriage - her ex and her two daughters. You will find lots of parallels between your story and Julliffs - and I think you'd take strength from it.

BUT FOR GOODNESS SAKE - EITHER CHANGE THE LOCKS AGAIN (AND DON'T GIVE SON A KEY) - OR USE THE DEADLOCK!

Your ex has no business treating your home as if it were still his - it isn't. Would you let a stranger from the street into your house and allow him to go through your fridge? Of course not! What would you say if a friend came in and rummaged in the fridge for something to eat? Friend wouldn't be a friend for much longer! Your ex is no longer your husband and has no fridge rights!!

Start taking control

For what its worth, in your shoes, I wouldn't be looking at dating sites at the moment ...you've still got a long way to go in making friends with yourself and recognising that you can be a strong person who does not need to lean on another.

Go Juicyloo!!