MSE Parents Club Part 15

always29

weezl74 wrote: »

hello
I think I am actually doing significantly less 'mothering' and less well at it than my peers.

I was wondering about asking on here but I can't think of a good way to ask, cos comparing ourselves with each other is not very helpful, I think.

weezl - hugs. and apologies for selectively quoting. I empathise. I feel that because I have been so bogged down in sorting my dad's business /estate I have utterly neglected DS at times and I feel guilty that he is able to play on his own, I struggle to do motherly things at times like sing to him and play with him and that all the other mothers I've met while on ml, virtually and really, must be doing so much more. I think what I am trying to say is try not to compare, worry about sorting you out, take little steps not set phenomenal targets. One thing I have learnt this year is that, among mothers who have been quite high achievers is that motherhood is a hell of shock to the system, I mean it is anyway but when everything has been structured and goal driven, motherhood is so very different.

Just reading this back, sounds like a load of gibberish. Perhaps I should have just left it at hugs and you aren't alone and you will feel better.

weezl74

thank you MDW and GISI edit and always too

yes those sort of things are very helpful. I think maybe also an idea of what you would all consider as a good amount to feel you have done in a day, on a day where you'd feel 'yay I rock at mothering!' but maybe also on your lowest energy level days too.

Like
amount of time you are able to sit playing entirely with your child
amount of time they do their own thing and you read mse/pay bills/read a book
amount of time you put the telly on and do stuff like cleaning/cooking/or also being on the internet
amount of groups you feel comfortable going to

Hmmmn I dunno though, is the GP barking up the wrong tree with me asking other mums? Like if mummy A says 'oh yes weezl I am able to play concentratedly with Bella for 6 solid hours' then I might conclude I am not doing well. But maybe she has always been a natural at playing, or is more naturally social than me, or always has more people energy or maybe baby bella is really into activities that mummy A finds really stimulating or something? I dunno.

eta 2 I think having read always' post that maybe those answers mightn't be so helpful then!

ladybirdintheuk

Evening all! I see we have a merge in progress - hello merged ladies :wave:.

OP of the merged in BF thread (I've forgotten your name ), sounds like you are doing a sterling job. I don't have anything new to add, but keep on setting a good example and they will all get used to it. And if not they can go stand outside in the snow until the BABY has finished EATING!

I'm still going with a 20 month old. I've never had negative comments, but do get surprised ones now. Mostly positive but surprised though luckily.

Weezl, if I remember I will make a consious effot tomorrow to pay attention to how much I spend doing what. I only have one small person to run around after (and consequently only one small person's worth of washing/cooking etc to be doing too ... plus 2 big people of course!) so my load is lighter than yours, but if it will help I'm happy to do it I think I will scare myself if I do though - I'm probably far to slovenly and spend too much time on the internet

weezl74

ladybirdintheuk wrote: »

I think I will scare myself if I do though - I'm probably far to slovenly and spend too much time on the internet

aw thank you. That would make me feel good actually! x

got-it-spend-it

I think it also probably depends on the baby, and certainly their age. Henry is very happy to sit and go through his books on his own, or play with his v-tech toys or similar. Truthfully I rarely sit down for focussed play with him for long periods, more likely that I'll have a break from what I'm doing for 15 minutes or so and sit with him and read, or do nursery rhymes. I envisage that as he gets older and more into 'crafty' type things, and cooking etc we will do things that require more of an attention span for longer.

When I'm cooking or cleaning or doing household tasks I try to involve H. If I'm cooking he sits in his high chair and I talk to him about what I'm cooking, let him play with wooden spoons etc, much on chopped veg. When I'm hoovering we play with the hoover together, I pretend to hoover him, that kind of thing.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't spend hours sat on the floor with Henry playing, but I do try hard to interact with him during whatever else I am doing and spend short bursts with him.

We go to groups probably twice a week, and see friends (of Henry's age) once more. I do try and do something Henry focussed everyday, whether that be the swings, the zoo, swimming, softplay but I'm not one for staying in all day, although I know lots of folks are perfectly happy to.

always29

weezl - it's not just the sitting playing in a kind of by the toy box way, it's silly little things you do count too. I was playing "boo" behind my scarf on the bus on the way home today, pulling faces while feeding, squirting toys in the bath (a trivial aside: how do you get that manky black water out of squirty bath toys), there must be other things too.

I find I struggle most on days when I am mostly on my own - like now, I HATE DH's night shifts as I am mummy 23 hours a day as after a 12 hours night shift, 3 hours commuting and 7 hours sleeping, DH has next to no time for us - do your days follow patterns like that too? I have other triggers too but am generally quite rubbish at being on my own.

edit, gisi - that's a big one for me too, forgot that! When cooking and stuff in the kitchen, I do the highchair, wooden spoon thing too.

Mind you just occurred to me, god knows how I am going to cope when I have 2 to deal with, weezl, I hope this doesn't sound patronising and with the blood tests etc sounds like your gp might have it covered, 2 so close together must be affected by the sheer hormones let alone the emotional upheaval of it all. I came across this while looking at another thread: http://www.home-start.org.uk/needsupport/need_support. If I wasn't so screwed up myself and going back to work in Jan, I'd love to look into volunteering here.

JAM1376

weezl74 wrote: »

thank you MDW and GISI edit and always too

yes those sort of things are very helpful. I think maybe also an idea of what you would all consider as a good amount to feel you have done in a day, on a day where you'd feel 'yay I rock at mothering!' but maybe also on your lowest energy level days too.

Like
amount of time you are able to sit playing entirely with your child On a work day about ten mins.:( On a day off/weekends, an hour or two but I'm not very good at playing. My 'playing' is sitting on the floor while she brings me books to read or HappyLand people to kiss. OH on the otherhand has her in fits of giggles after only a few mins playing chase or peekaboo or silly noises. Mummy doesn't make her laugh very often
amount of time they do their own thing and you read mse/pay bills/read a book Very little, I do this when she is in bed. I spend my other time with her dressing, changing, feeding or going out. I am very good at the practical things, not so good at the fun things
amount of time you put the telly on and do stuff like cleaning/cooking/or also being on the internet Perhaps an hour? She tends to follow me round and get picked up to watch what I am doing
amount of groups you feel comfortable going to None

I often feel rubbish at the fun and enjoyable things with C. I tend to be out and about doing practical things as I don't really 'know' how to just 'play' with her. I figure she gets this from Daddy and I hope it will be easier as she gets bigger and we can do activities rather than just playing - I never had a good imagination!

Dunno if this helps but there ya go

Hugs to all, Apprentice on now so will half watch and half read xxx

ladybirdintheuk

That is true actually GISI - definitely depends on the child too - Izzy is pretty independent, and will play on her own with interaction from me from whatever I'm doing. She gets me to help draw pictures with her or read books, but normally only in 5 min bursts, then she is on to the next thing. She likes helping me with the washing up and hanging the washing out and stuff too

We always go to a group on Fridays, and sometimes on Thursdays too (that one is a bit hectic, and if I'm feeling fragile we give it a miss ) - I like to get us out of the house for something every day. Even if it is just to tesco or something.

SusanC_2

bexta wrote: »

Alice was really looking forward to the snow wasn't she Susan?

She certainly was.

ladybirdintheuk wrote: »

Oh Bless Alice - she must be thrilled to bits How much have you got? I hope you will be able to do a snowman with her tomorrow

I think it's just a couple of cm but there could be more. It's OH's job to do snowman building though - he enjoys it and he can't garden in the snow. Alice is his excuse for snowman building.

MadDogWoman_2

weezl74 wrote: »

thank you MDW and GISI edit and always too

yes those sort of things are very helpful. I think maybe also an idea of what you would all consider as a good amount to feel you have done in a day, on a day where you'd feel 'yay I rock at mothering!' but maybe also on your lowest energy level days too.

Like
amount of time you are able to sit playing entirely with your child -
probably be 1-2 hours, I've always said that Katie would be left to amuse herself, I feel like a child needs time on their own to explore and discover on their own with mummy or daddy following them around IYKWIM.

amount of time they do their own thing and you read mse/pay bills/read a book
It depends on Katies mood, some days she wants lots of interaction others she got a really good story going on in her head so doesn't need mummy.

amount of time you put the telly on and do stuff like cleaning/cooking/or also being on the internet
I get Katie helping, she helps load and unload the washing machine, has a little stool that she brings into the kitchen to be my assistant. I internet whilst she's out at playgroup

amount of groups you feel comfortable going to
When I was ML, I went to a BF support group, an antenatal exercise class were the pushchair was part of the exercise equipment, pilates, 1 toddler group and swimming. We had a busy 3 days then 4 days doing our own thing.

Hmmmn I dunno though, is the GP barking up the wrong tree with me asking other mums? Like if mummy A says 'oh yes weezl I am able to play concentratedly with Bella for 6 solid hours' then I might conclude I am not doing well. But maybe she has always been a natural at playing, or is more naturally social than me, or always has more people energy or maybe baby bella is really into activities that mummy A finds really stimulating or something? I dunno.

eta 2 I think having read always' post that maybe those answers mightn't be so helpful then!

I don't have set amounts of time that I set aside to play with Katie, if she wants me to join in I will, otherwise I leave her to it.

Katie is just learning how jigsaws work as I can't abide them, it's been left to Grandma and Grandad to teach her

Low energy days, I have lots of Katie's favourite films stored on Sky+ or we potter in the kitchen.

I've had more "bad mother" days when I was working as I felt like I spent very little time with her, my mum and DH were raising her between them.

HTH