Just discovered I'm pregnant - confused isn't the word!

evil_grrrl666

Thought I'll share my experience as well - found out I was pregnant about a year ago, aged 23. My husband and I have always agreed we did not want to have any children, so I opted for an abortion.
(But yes, initial shock and hoping my poundshop pregnancy tests were a bit flaky perhaps, but the clearblue confirmed it had been over 3 weeks.. his face turned pale and jaw nearly hit floor, which in turn made me quite giggly)

Except for my GP making me feel like a cruel monster for being so sure about terminating, plus feeling very silly and that I should have taken better care not to get into the situation in the first place, it worked out for the better that way. We still don't want to have kids, and I never regretted it. When the doctor did the ultrasound to see how far along I was I insisted that I wanted to see the image and I was quite relieved that at 9 weeks it wasn't really recognisable yet, nothing like a baby. Perhaps if it had been I would've felt worse. I opted for a medical abortion which did make me feel very ill and I was sore for about a week afterwards (at the time I thought this would be a more natural way than a traditional abortion). perhaps in hindsight that wasn't a great choice, but maybe not everyone is that affected? (I don't want to put anyone off medical abortion, I have nothing to compare it to so don't know which is the better choice - go with your gut feeling on what might be best for you)

Anyway, I suppose it doesn't really help because I never considered keeping the baby at all so all those emotions did not play on my mind. perhaps I'm lacking some sort of motherly instinct. But I will say that with every huge (maybe not as huge as having a baby, but still) decision I've ever made, I tried to consider the pros and cons but in the end did what I FELT was right. I always hope as long as when you make a decision you feel it is right, you can't regret it afterwards because you didn't know any better.

As others have mentioned, you're both very young and there is a chance he especially can't cope if you keep it, considering he is having doubts. But whatever happens, you should do what you feel is right. I hope you reach a decision with no regrets!

thorsoak

LM90 wrote: »

JC, I don't think she is trying to suggest anything, just letting me know of her situation.


I'm starting to think that maybe abortion may be my only option. I really do not know how I'd cope or deal with my grandparents disgust at me having a child before marriage, even though I know I'll marry him in a couple of years, we've spoke about it and said when we would want to! He says that he doesn't feel that he could support his child because of the debt he has now, which I know he won't have by the time bean comes. I've showed him how we could do it, not for going the most expensive things, second hand things and for example I compared what we would need for the babies room and we could get it all with a lot of money spare if we got things from Argos rather than Mothercare etc. He does say though that he really wants this baby though which confuses me why he wants to have a termination. I hate the fact that from when we started having sex we had a discussion about what we would do if I got pregnant and we both said keep him/her and have reiterated this many times since! However, he did say himself last night I shouldn't make me decision just to keep him or because he thinks its what he really wants. I'm just so confused, hes been kissing my stomach, laying his head there and just touching it which surely he wouldn't do it if he was 100% abortion??

Anyway I've got a midwife appointment on 26th so hopefully she can help me shed some light, I know there would be help out there from my family ie childcare when going back to uni and when we wanted to spend some time alone or on a night out etc, with my uni there are childcare grants, access to learning fund and other things I just can't think of anything off the top of my head right now.

Your grandparents will be not much older than I am - and believe me, they won't be disgusted .....we are the children of the50s/60s - and know of many brides who carried very large bouquets of flowers across their wedding dresses to "hide their condition" ...

In any case - you must make your decision - on what you think is best - for you - sorry but this is one area in which I feel very strongly that the father has to go along with the wishes of the mother and should support her in whatever her decision may be. Sadly though, this is not always the case.

If you decide that you want to keep the baby - could you do it on your own without b/f's support? If you decide to have an abortion - could you live with the fact that he has put pressure upon you to do so?

Have you spoken to your parents about this? Or do you not want them to know until you have come to a decision? Please talk to someone other than just b/f - counsellors at uni, perhaps?

Tish_P

Your grandparents will be not much older than I am - and believe me, they won't be disgusted .....we are the children of the50s/60s - and know of many brides who carried very large bouquets of flowers across their wedding dresses to "hide their condition" ...

Thorsoak, thanks for that reminder! I remember seeing some very interesting statistics on the number of "premature" babies that used to be born at six months gestation and weight 9lbs to newlyweds, back when nobody had any premarital sex whatsoever at all oh no certainly not.

aliasojo

LM90 wrote: »

He does say though that he really wants this baby though which confuses me why he wants to have a termination. I hate the fact that from when we started having sex we had a discussion about what we would do if I got pregnant and we both said keep him/her and have reiterated this many times since! However, he did say himself last night I shouldn't make me decision just to keep him or because he thinks its what he really wants. I'm just so confused, hes been kissing my stomach, laying his head there and just touching it which surely he wouldn't do it if he was 100% abortion??

He's just very very confused. I suspect he doesn't even know himself how he feels right now which is why he's giving out mixed messages.

I feel for you both, it's a very difficult position to be in. You don't really have the luxury of time but you need time to consider all angles and come to a decision.

I agree with the others who say discount any worries about your Grandparents. Whether they support you or whether they go off on one, should have no bearing on your decision.

sassyblue wrote: »

Me too, however l'm guessing they thought of the story of Jesus, the immaculate conception?

Ah...*just* a (not so) smart comment then.

Gavin83

It does sound like he wants it but just doesn't feel like it's the right time. I do feel it's a decision you need to make together rather than alone, although you may be carrying it you'll both be responsible for looking after it and if he doesn't want it and you do, he's less likely to want to be a part of the childs life.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

rachel6188

hi huni, just wanted to pop in and say no matter what you decide you will have support. its not a easy decision but follow YOUR heart and don't let anybody force or push you into anything. huge hugs and congrats x

marywooyeah

JC9297 wrote: »

Whilst this was your experience and I'm sympathetic to your feelings, I don't think it is helpful to suggest to the OP that if she opts for termination she'll be traumatised for the rest of her life. For many women (possibly the majority?) who do decide to terminate, not necessarily a decision taken lightly, though they might wish they hadn't had to go through a termination, still feel it was the right thing to do at that time.

Hi JC I am not trying to make the op feel that this is how she would feel at all, I am someone who has been through a termination based on what my ex wanted me to do (which is the situation that OP is in now), and someone who is at uni and managing well at uni with a toddler (which the OP would like to stay at uni and is trying to determine whether it would be possible for her and her boyfriend to do so and keep their baby), therefore I was trying to show both sides as I have experienced both myself.

OP I think if he is kissing your stomach, saying he wants the baby, you both decided you would keep a baby if you became pregnant and the fact that you are intending to marry in the future and the fact you are referring to your baby as a baby and a bean indicate that you both want this baby but feel forced financially not to keep the baby. As you have already stated that you can work your uni times in baby friendly slots, and already started looking for affordable baby things and have a midwifes appointment booked, I think you are already well on your way to keeping the baby.
However, whatever you decide I wish you the very very best xxx

LM90

Think I'm going to keep the pregnancy, not totally 100% just need to think about myself and how we would cope and work things out, have an appointment with the advisors at uni next week to see how things could pan out for me. Don't want to stress out too much as anything could happen in this first trimester. Thinking about it too much is only going to make me more anxious and confused I think but I have a good feeling about all of this

VK-2008

i think its normal for you to feel a mix of emotions.
me and my dh have been trying for nearly 4 years now and became preg last year we were both sooooo pleased but soooooo scared and nervous that it actually happened unfortunately we lost the baby but are still hoping that we get our little bundle of joy at some point soon.
best wishes to you and oh and have a lovely family when time comes!

marywooyeah

congrats OP so happy for you, its completely do-able and unis are used to pregnant students thesedays! hope it goes well for you hun xxx