Just discovered I'm pregnant - confused isn't the word!

LM90

Just had a little chat with my boyfriend, we kept welling up and crying so couldn't get too much out, the anxiousness and fright is a bit much right now I think. I've had a while to think about it and to be honest was edging more towards keeping him/her and told my boyfriend so and asked him his opinion. His was the opposite. He said he was edging towards abortion more. I didn't think I'd actually be as devastated as I feel right now. We could both possibly change our minds but its knowing that already we are thinking opposite that has me , I don't know how I'd cope if I had to do it alone!

JC9297

I think you have to consider if you go ahead can you do it alone, because in some cases (not all) when reality bites some men are not willing to make the necessary sacrifices and the mum is left holding the baby (literally), especially if they feel they were pushed into it. Not saying your boyfriend would not hang around, but you have to consider the worst case scenario and how would you cope with it.

aliasojo

Men generally just don't mature at the same speed as women. I suspect his 20 year old male brain has flashed up all sorts of 'I wont be able to do this that or the other if we have a baby right now', whereas your 20 year old female brain goes into nurture mode. He's not being 'bad', he's just being honest about how he feels and although it's hard for you to hear, it's actually a good thing that he's talking to you about his genuine feelings.

Whether he will work his fear out or whether it will be the deciding factor, only time will tell. Babies are incredibly restricting and if I had my time over, as much as I love my lot to bits, I would without question do things differently. Although my last 2 were planned, my first was not and I made my decisions with my heart when I should have used my head.

I wish you luck and strength for the future. No matter which decision you make, it will be hard regardless.

donquine

I do know a couple who had a baby whilst at university, made it work and stayed together. The majority of couples I knew from my university days are now either engaged or already married.

However, there are also plenty stories of couples who couldn't make it work. My ex and I are one of them!

I don't think you should expect your boyfriend to break up with you, but I do think you need to consider how you would cope should you end up on your own with the baby. I think your gut reaction to that situation will help you decide how much you really want to have this baby. Whether you do or you don't - neither option is wrong.

Best of luck in figuring out what is right for you and your boyfriend.

thorsoak

LM90 wrote: »

Just had a little chat with my boyfriend, we kept welling up and crying so couldn't get too much out, the anxiousness and fright is a bit much right now I think. I've had a while to think about it and to be honest was edging more towards keeping him/her and told my boyfriend so and asked him his opinion. His was the opposite. He said he was edging towards abortion more. I didn't think I'd actually be as devastated as I feel right now. We could both possibly change our minds but its knowing that already we are thinking opposite that has me , I don't know how I'd cope if I had to do it alone!

Just to add another thought for you ....you don't know how you'd feel about your boyfriend if he does edge you towards abortion ...I have known girls/women who have been pressured by partners into having an abortion and then split up.

brians_daughter

hi there, i havent read all the replies so sorry if i am repeating what anyones said...
Heres my story... i found out i was preg in June this year (but child number 3 for us) however, it was completely unplanned. I have given up work to go to uni i am now in my 2nd year. Uni have been very good, i am due end feb/early march and i get 6 weeks off, so looking at term times if i can hold on til as long as possible i will finish end of feb and then not be back in til September.

I have also been granted extenuating circumstances on all my work after xmas, so instead of my deadlines being march and april they are now august, That gives me basically the same amount of mat leave i had when working (6 months) to get into a routine, sort out the creche at uni etc. If you get a grant/loan you may be entitled to additional grants for parents allowance and childcare fees. I may be mistaken but i think if you have had a child you are classed as independant from parents anyway. Check over on the students forum board

We looked into abortion, infact i went for the consultation and had the appointment booked... what changed my mind was my GP \she is a friend as well as my GP). SHe said to me ' WHEN YOU THINK OF KEEPING IT HOW DO YOU FEEL' I said nervous, excited, what ifs.. etc ' she replied with 'oh so just like any other expectant mummy then'. What she was trying to say is she didnt feel a termination was right for me , it just wasnt planned.

If you choose to terminate please dont rush into it - speak to the GP, your oh, read up on the proceedure - ie what you are to expect.

If there is any part of you that isnt 100% committed to having a termination then you need to re-think it until you reach the right decision for you and your b/f. Whatever you decide from here on in you have a rollercoster of emotions to deal with! And i wish you luck

Speak to uni, they should have a number to call to say what support is available to you etc,and should be confidential...

As for yoru bf, you cannot terminate based on how he feels it has to be what you want - take him out the picture for the time being. If he loves you and does want kids with you then just its happened a little early ! TBH the fact that you are usings words like 'him/her' rather than 'it' make me inclined to say that your mind is already made up

snugglepet20

Another one who's been there! I was 23, in the middle of first year at uni, the stick turned pink and it felt like the end of the world. Booked appointment for termination, had the scan and changed my mind. We were in a bad situation financially OH had a lot of debt and we lived in the most horrible dump of a house with lumps falling off the walls and basically no floors! I took a year out from uni then went back which was fine and having a child to provide for spurred us on to sort money out and we got our own house. It is hard to recognise the people who were in such a mess back then.

My OH freaked out initially but he came around to the idea. I think the instant reaction from blokes is often get an abortion because they see it as an instant fix and do not understand the emotion behind such a descision. There are some women who will just say I don't want a baby I'm getting an abortion and they do and they are fine about it but for a lot of people it is really traumatic especially if they make the descision based on other peoples feelings rather than their own.

One thing that really helps when you are pregnant is having afternoon classes, try to rearrange your uni schedule with your tutor as you will probably feel quite rough in the morning for the first 3-4 months. (I am assuming you are continuing the pregnancy because it does sound like that is what you want.)

LM90

Thank you everyone the messages are great! Me and my OH aren't exactly in the best financial situation although mine is alot better than his but I know we would work something out. It would be possible for me to swap times at uni as it is mostly group work but since my surname begins with a letter towards the end of the alphabet when it kicks in I probably will just be in afternoons anyway We've only had the chance to have little conversations though with him working loads, getting in late then having to be up early again so hoping tonight we can just lay it all out there as I've got a doctors appointment tomorrow.

marywooyeah

hi OP I feel that you want to keep the baby. All I can say (as a few others have said) is that you cant make the desicion based entirely on his feelings.
At 19 I was bullied into an abortion at 11 weeks and 4 days by my ex. I was at college, working 8hrs a week and he kept saying "I dont want it, its not fair for you to force me to have a baby, if you loved me you would do it, if you do it I will love you again, you're at college you cant have a baby, you dont earn enough money you wont be able to cope, I'll kick you out and you and the kid will be stuck in a council house on benefits" and he went on and on so I gave in, trying to convince myself that one day I would see it was for the best even though I had bonded with my baby and loved him so much.
when i was there I wasnt told I was being put to sleep, I just felt the needle !!!!! and my hand and shouted "no I dont want t..." and didnt get to finish my sentence, next thing I knew I woke up in pain and bleeding and they had done it. 2 days afterwards my ex told me to leave, I said "you said if I did it everything would be ok" and he actually laughed in my face and said "yeah well if I hadnt of said that you would have kept it"
For the next four and a half years not a day passed where I didnt cry or think about my baby and the abortion, sometimes for hours a day. I cannot describe to you the guilt, remorse and regret I have suffered and I felt humiliated that I allowed someone to control me to the point where I chose a man (who didnt give two s**ts about me) over my unborn child. I am now having counselling which although is helping immensly I will never forget or stop loving my lost baby.
I am now at uni and have a 2yr old (different father), its hard but it is managable, and your uni will amend your timetable around your needs. you get parents learning allowance to help with the cost, theres the sure start maternity grant to help with the cost of buying baby things, and help with childcare.
I wouldnt want anyone else to go through what I did, and if you want to keep the baby you have to tell your boyfriend everything you feel, dont hold back cos its now or never. If he comes round, brilliant if he doesnt, you can still go to uni and be a mum, you have a womb and a brain and can use both!
good luck hun xxx pm me if you would like to xxx

ska_lover

Hi there, just thought I would share. I was 16 when I found out I was pregnant and went through all the emotions that you are now feeling, I weighed up the pros and cons of everything, abortion, keeping the baby and even adoption. It is such a huge event in your life that you are bound to feel unnerved by it all - it is normal.My descision was to keep my baby, and I dont regret a thing, i'm 35 now, and my son is 18.

They say life is wht happens while you are busy making plans, and maybe this is a prime example in your own life. Whatever you decide, dont second guess yourself afterwards though, or wonder what if i had done the other option, feel in your heart what you need to do and dont look back either way. One good thing is that you are settled, and sound like you have a supportive OH. Good luck and Hugs with whatever you decide to do, i really do feel your pain x