Just discovered I'm pregnant - confused isn't the word!

GemmaE

Hi OP,

hope you get things sorted. I was in a similar situation to you last year, with OH reaction just the same, although I was 9 weeks pregnant when I found out. We had a very long very emotional chat and decided to go ahead with the pregnancy, and now have a beautiful daughter who is 9 months old.

The only advice I can give you is to make a decision that you can live with, I know the practical side of things isn't great, but you need to make sure that you are 100% sure what you are going to do.

I think the biggest difference with men and women is that pregnancy happens inside women so you have to deal with things and think about things much much sooner then men. You think of the foetus as a baby (if you are anything like me) but a man (or just my OH) just thinks of a 'pregnancy' IYSWIM.

I hope everything works out OK

JC9297

marywooyeah wrote: »

hi OP I feel that you want to keep the baby. All I can say (as a few others have said) is that you cant make the desicion based entirely on his feelings.
At 19 I was bullied into an abortion at 11 weeks and 4 days by my ex. I was at college, working 8hrs a week and he kept saying "I dont want it, its not fair for you to force me to have a baby, if you loved me you would do it, if you do it I will love you again, you're at college you cant have a baby, you dont earn enough money you wont be able to cope, I'll kick you out and you and the kid will be stuck in a council house on benefits" and he went on and on so I gave in, trying to convince myself that one day I would see it was for the best even though I had bonded with my baby and loved him so much.
when i was there I wasnt told I was being put to sleep, I just felt the needle !!!!! and my hand and shouted "no I dont want t..." and didnt get to finish my sentence, next thing I knew I woke up in pain and bleeding and they had done it. 2 days afterwards my ex told me to leave, I said "you said if I did it everything would be ok" and he actually laughed in my face and said "yeah well if I hadnt of said that you would have kept it"
For the next four and a half years not a day passed where I didnt cry or think about my baby and the abortion, sometimes for hours a day. I cannot describe to you the guilt, remorse and regret I have suffered and I felt humiliated that I allowed someone to control me to the point where I chose a man (who didnt give two s**ts about me) over my unborn child. I am now having counselling which although is helping immensly I will never forget or stop loving my lost baby.
I am now at uni and have a 2yr old (different father), its hard but it is managable, and your uni will amend your timetable around your needs. you get parents learning allowance to help with the cost, theres the sure start maternity grant to help with the cost of buying baby things, and help with childcare.
I wouldnt want anyone else to go through what I did, and if you want to keep the baby you have to tell your boyfriend everything you feel, dont hold back cos its now or never. If he comes round, brilliant if he doesnt, you can still go to uni and be a mum, you have a womb and a brain and can use both!
good luck hun xxx pm me if you would like to xxx

Whilst this was your experience and I'm sympathetic to your feelings, I don't think it is helpful to suggest to the OP that if she opts for termination she'll be traumatised for the rest of her life. For many women (possibly the majority?) who do decide to terminate, not necessarily a decision taken lightly, though they might wish they hadn't had to go through a termination, still feel it was the right thing to do at that time.

LM90

JC, I don't think she is trying to suggest anything, just letting me know of her situation.


I'm starting to think that maybe abortion may be my only option. I really do not know how I'd cope or deal with my grandparents disgust at me having a child before marriage, even though I know I'll marry him in a couple of years, we've spoke about it and said when we would want to! He says that he doesn't feel that he could support his child because of the debt he has now, which I know he won't have by the time bean comes. I've showed him how we could do it, not for going the most expensive things, second hand things and for example I compared what we would need for the babies room and we could get it all with a lot of money spare if we got things from Argos rather than Mothercare etc. He does say though that he really wants this baby though which confuses me why he wants to have a termination. I hate the fact that from when we started having sex we had a discussion about what we would do if I got pregnant and we both said keep him/her and have reiterated this many times since! However, he did say himself last night I shouldn't make me decision just to keep him or because he thinks its what he really wants. I'm just so confused, hes been kissing my stomach, laying his head there and just touching it which surely he wouldn't do it if he was 100% abortion??

Anyway I've got a midwife appointment on 26th so hopefully she can help me shed some light, I know there would be help out there from my family ie childcare when going back to uni and when we wanted to spend some time alone or on a night out etc, with my uni there are childcare grants, access to learning fund and other things I just can't think of anything off the top of my head right now.

Tish_P

Marywoo, I am horrified. I'm so sorry that happened to you and I can hardly believe your ex was so cruel. Stories like that are why it should always be the woman's choice. Anyone who is pressuring you either way does not have your interests at heart.

LM90: all the best with your decision. Sod the grandparents' attitudes. If you have the kid they will come round in time, because it will be their great-grandkid.

Imp

When I first read the thread title, I popped outside to see if a new star had appeared in the sky.

aliasojo

Imp wrote: »

When I first read the thread title, I popped outside to see if a new star had appeared in the sky.

Please someone else tell me I'm not alone in not understanding this?

Tish_P

Ha! No, I thought that too. "What!? How did that happen?"

magicgirl

LM90, my eldest dd was an unplanned (but very much wanted) preg. I wasn’t at uni but I was homeless and practically penniless. It wasn’t easy and I actually chose baby over man. I walked away from him after he found out I was preg and he came chasing me. Totally unexpected but the way I saw it, I wanted the baby and I didn’t want to consider an abortion. Rather than let anyone tell me to do it, I took myself out of the situation.

I actually chose not to go to uni in the end but my work have offered to pay for me to do a degree. Until recently, I was actually earning more than both my siblings put together who both have degrees. This with three children – they have none.

Life is what you make it. I am not saying you shouldn’t abort if that is what YOU want to do. I don’t think you should be forced to have this baby ifs you don’t want to.

If your OH is treating the baby like a person by talking to your belly and kissing it, and then still telling you to abort, I would be very worried about him. (my personal opinion.)

Its hard to make a rational decision when everything is making your head spin. I got to six months preg with my dd1 and it suddenly hit me. !!!!!! was I doing?? But it all came good. Children enrich your lives if you allow them to and there will never be a right time. sometimes, you are chosen to be a parent but if the time is wrong now, whats to say it will be right later? I am from an Asian family and it was bloody scary having to tell my parents and my twenty aunts and uncles I had a baby out of wedlock. It took us twelve years before we were married. That was down to finance more than anything else....

IF you are just sounding off, then fair enough but asking for advice isn’t the thing to do unless you are taking it from a professional. No one knows your circs and your strength better than you. I hope you are able to find a solution that suits everyone but if not, make sure you do what suits YOU and not anyone else.

donquine

LM90 wrote: »

I'm starting to think that maybe abortion may be my only option. I really do not know how I'd cope or deal with my grandparents disgust at me having a child before marriage, even though I know I'll marry him in a couple of years, we've spoke about it and said when we would want to! He says that he doesn't feel that he could support his child because of the debt he has now, which I know he won't have by the time bean comes. I've showed him how we could do it, not for going the most expensive things, second hand things and for example I compared what we would need for the babies room and we could get it all with a lot of money spare if we got things from Argos rather than Mothercare etc. He does say though that he really wants this baby though which confuses me why he wants to have a termination. I hate the fact that from when we started having sex we had a discussion about what we would do if I got pregnant and we both said keep him/her and have reiterated this many times since! However, he did say himself last night I shouldn't make me decision just to keep him or because he thinks its what he really wants. I'm just so confused, hes been kissing my stomach, laying his head there and just touching it which surely he wouldn't do it if he was 100% abortion??

I have to say, it does sound as if your OH is more worried about financially supporting the baby than he is about your relationship or being a new parent. Money is of importance, of course it is, but it would be terribly sad if that was the only reason he had for wanting an abortion.

sassyblue

aliasojo wrote: »

Please someone else tell me I'm not alone in not understanding this?

Me too, however l'm guessing they thought of the story of Jesus, the immaculate conception?

LM90, Please PROMISE me you'll do what YOU want, not what your other half or your grandparents want if they think differently to you?

I think the worst thing you could do here is have an abortion when you're not 100% sure and are swayed by other people, you will regret that believe me.

Regardless of what your grandparents say or think l'm sure they will be excited about this one day soon.