my gf is totally unrealistic! what do i do?

hbklea

i've been with my gf for 5 years, we are currently renting a 1 bed flat in a nice area for 450pm, however its really old fashioned, ie carpets, kitchen, bathroom etc. i own a flat (which we cant live in as she has a dog) so i have been it out renting out illegally (in the lease u cant sub let), but i've got a buyer so i'm selling it at a 5k loss. we've seen a house which we loved yest, she was all excited, ready to offer the asking price! however then she went to her mum and dads, came back and said she doesn't want it and wants to carry on renting until we find a property within 4 roads of where we are now, which is just so unrealistic as houses sell for around 180k. we'll never be able to afford it, this house we like is a 3 bed, new kichen, carpets etc, and only 110k. however she says even though its only a 7 minute walk to where we are now, she doesn't like the area saying its on an estate, which its not. its a cul de sac, parking is a communal car park. and its a nice area, my friend has lived in the nxt rd for 4 years.
what do i do? she's happy renting? i pay the full rent and buy all the food, so she only pays 200pm compared to my 650, and i dont earn 3x what she does, i just dont have a loan at 30% interest, an expensive phone and gym contract, and dont waste my money. plus she's in her overdraft by 700 but i refuse to bail her out as i basically gave her a car at 25% of its value. she wont learn anything if i keep bailing her out do. its my 20k deposit which i'll be putting down, i just dont know what to do?
she wants what she cant afford? i'd love a house where we are now, but we could never afford it.
i dont want to be paying dead money for the nxt 5,7,10 yrs whatever. she even wants me to update the kitchen in our rented flat? i told her she must be joking!
need some advice? what do i do? :(:(:(:(:(:( at least its fri lol:j

giddypenguin

Talk to her! Sit down with a bit of paper and write down all your joint outgoing and note who pays what and how much. Hopefully then she'll realise how uneven it is (although she may already know that and likes it) and also what you can both realistically afford. If you can't come to an agreement maybe its time to think about your relationship - money inequalities will eat you up inside over time.

trenb8qemc

Wow, that is a heck of a pickle fella. I guess that's a situation you've slowly got used to over time, as in paying that kind of disproportion on bills/rent, etc.

From the outside it looks like a total lack of respect. I could never imagine my girlfriend taking advantage of me in such a way. If she was really in trouble I'd cover her expenses totally if I could but I'd be aware that she would do everything to get things balanced out in time. It seems your lady doesn't have that attitude and that must be very annoying.

I'm not really sure what advice to give. If you love her, which I'm sure you do, then obviously you don't want money to drive a wedge between you. At the same time you have to have self respect and her respect and it looks like some tough love is in order.

I would try and work out a plan with her whereby she gets that inbalance sorted within an agreed time frame. If she won't then you should state you are only going to pay half the rent at the agreed time and if she doesn't come up with the other half then you're both screwed. Put it out there and see what comes back. If she looks to break up with you over such an issue then you're probably better off alone.

I'd say try and deal with that before even embarking on buying a house if she's that out of whack with reality when renting... or else you'll end up with a mortgage round your neck that you can't afford and no doubt a lot of stress.

Hope that helps and I haven't annoyed you. Just trying to give honest advice based on an outside reading of your situation.

Whatever happens good luck.

giddypenguin

Oh, and just a thought, if you two did agree to be more even, I find the best way is to set up a joint account and both pay a percentage of your salary into it... any left over after bills etc can be your 'emergency' fund. Ie, boiler broke etc.

wornoutmumoftwo

How much input do her parents have, she was ok before going to see them?

BitterAndTwisted

In view of this "I pay the full rent and buy all the food, so she only pays 200pm compared to my 650, and i dont earn 3x what she does. I just dont have a loan at 30% interest, an expensive phone and gym contract, and dont waste my money. Plus she's in her overdraft by 700 but I refuse to bail her out as I basically gave her a car at 25% of its value" I most certainly WOULD NOT contemplate getting financially-linked with someone who organises their affairs so very poorly and who, on the face of it, is taking complete advantage.

There's nothing like having unrealistic expectations when it's someone else who's paying the price-tag! Girlie needs a wake-up call and it should start with her paying a 50% share of your living expenses. I wouldn't be putting £20K down on any property unless it was to live on my own.

OF COURSE SHE"S HAPPY RENTING; IT"S ONLY COSTING HER £200 A MONTH! WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE WILLYA?

jd87

Ditch the !!!!!.

tawse57

You need to talk to loads of men. Take every man you know in their 40s or above aside, have a quiet word with them and ask them bluntly what they think of your situation, what they think is going on between you and your gf and what their advice to you is.

In fact, you don't just have to ask just men what they think of your situation - go and ask any emotionally intelligent, sane and balanced woman, of which there are many, many tens of millions in this country and quite a few posting here on this forum, and ask them what they think your gf is doing to you.

Tell them to hold nothing back.

I will give you my, IMPO, two cents now - run! Run a mile and don't look back!

Consider the 5 years of money spent paying the bills as a good investment in learning about a certain kind of woman. There are many different kinds as there are many different kinds of men.

Consider yourself lucky that you have not married her, that you do not have children with her and that you have not bought a house with her.

Here is an excellent site with really good articles that it would be worth you reading through:

http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/a-shrink-for-men-index/

But I think you need to ask yourself some serious questions - don't you?

Do you wish to continue to be used and abused - (Abuse comes in many forms and is not just someone physically attacking another) - in this way?

Do you want to live like this?

Do you want this to be your life for the next 5, 10, 20 or 30 or more years?

Do you deserve better than this?

Don't you deserve to spend your life with someone who shares the burdens of life with you as much as the joys?

I wish you all the best.

This is not relationship nor any professional advice of any sort.

tawse57

jd87 wrote: »

Ditch the !!!!!.

What he said.

PasturesNew

Ditch her, give me a shout.

sooz

remind her that
a) she cannot put a new kitchen into a rental property
b) if she's dead set on one particular street & price, she needs to up her savings, so she can match you on the deposit.

If she fails to see the light of points a) & b), then run..............