big debts / big plans - would welcome some moral support

southernscouser

beans_on_toast wrote:

i know ...im a mug x

No your not BOT and I don't want to hear you saying such things like this again!

You are clearly a selfless person and a great mother and it's about time you started realising that.

So stop putting yourself down! Thats what I'm here for!

My own opinion is that it is your husband that is responsible for these debts. Sure you played a part with Avon, parking tickets but the fact the you have gotten in to this debt is through fear of not wanting to upset your husband despite you not having enough money to live on.

As someone else said, the child tax credits or whatever they are are to help pay for the cost of your kids. Not to pay off the mortgage early. Great if you find a balance where you can but not great if it's getting you into debt.

I really hope you find the courage to tell him. If he gets violent or anything you have no choice but to call the police. I'm sorry if I sound mean or am upsetting you but you sound like a lovely person and you don't deserve all this !!!!!! on your shoulders!

xx-Tina-xx

Hiya BOT

I'm not expert in this debt malarky.. If I was then I wouldn't be here right now, but I really think the fact that you're worrying about your own personal safety is ALOT more pressing than worrying about what you owe. Does your husband live with his head in the clouds NOT to have a clue how much the council tax costs in the area you live? And IF he's going to take out on you a charge that is set by the council, then I really think doing something about your domestic situation is your most pressing concern hun! I'm not the best person to give advice... my OH doesnt know about half of my debt, but thats not because of fear.. Its because I spent 9 years married to a man who sounds ALOT like your husband (a financial control freak!!), and I now choose to sort out my own debt because I fought hard for my own independence. I know if I told my partner now, he'd be more than willing to support me, but I really want to stand on my own 2 feet..... but the difference here hun is that I'M in a position where (for now anyhow) I feel able to cope.... You are obviously having a major struggle and you really shouldn't be taking on this burden by yourself

I know this might sound like a really personal question, but is leaving him a viable option for you? Do you have somewhere else you could go and feel safe? You can't live in fear forever babe

((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))

black-saturn

I'm only up to post 45 at the moment but I just wanted to say this before I read the rest.

Beans, you said in the original post that there was an outstanding speeding fee or something. In my opinion I think you should pay that first. I've known people who have had those speeding fees and the charges can escalate to so much in a short space of time. I once had a friend who had a £30 parking fee and he didn't pay and it balooned to over £700 in 6 months. So I think you should concentrate on paying that first.

I'll go back and read the rest of the thread now.

black-saturn

OK, I've read the rest of the thread now.

I'm going to send BOT a link to a website about emotional abuse which I think may be of some interest to her.

I also spent 9 years living with a control freak who took all my wages off of me. I was left with just the child benefit for 2 children to myself out of which I had to buy the weeks food, all the children's needs and public transport to and from work. I got into debt too.

I'm not with him anymore and now I've got myself debt free and mortgage free.

LJD1_2

Hiya beans on toast
I've just read the rest of this thread and wanted to send hugs to you. I know what it's like to live with a control freak as my dad was, and still, is one. I fully understand why you stay in this relationship as sometimes it seems the easiest thing to do. I know this is all overwhelming for you but are there times when you are happy? If the happiness overrides the worry and pain then things can better. If not then maybe there are a whole different set of questions you need to ask yourself. Things can get better and there's a whole lot of support on here that will hopefully make things a little easier for you. Look after yourself xxx

Lara44

Hugs Hugs Hugs Hugs out to you Beans, it sounds like you're coping with a lot and doing your very best with it. Please don't feel bad about your debts....

All my best wishes

saving-mad

i have skim read this and you get DLA, is there any chance of you or one of the olser children getting carers allowance, its an extra £45 ish week for anyone earning £87 week or less and caring for someone on middle rate DLA or above?

jobbingmusician

I think Lynz is clever - I was going to remind you, Beans, that you are truly anonymous on here, and ask you whether you are being abused.

One thing no-one has mentioned - if you have suffered abuse in the past, or are suffering it now, your self-confidence will be rock bottom. I am amazed you are doing such a fantastic job, in fact. So please believe us when we say that this situation IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

I really wonder whether it would be worth finding out about women's refuges in your area, moving out (with the kids) to one and then telling your husband, from a safe place. Would this work? How do you feel about having to manage the finances like this, not feeling safe? Do you want things to change and if so, what would you be prepared to do to change things?

And all this is said in the spirit that it's OK for you to say you don't want anything to change, of course. It just seems an AWFUL lot of stress on you, at the moment.:grouphug:

nidje

Hi Beans
Just catching up with this thread and it seems you have an awful lot to deal with other than just money matters.
I would echo what's been said already by others, you're not the only one at fault in your house so don't beat yourself up, you sound like you're doing a great job of raising your family in what appear to be extremely difficult circumstances.
I hope it all works out for you
Nx

HazelEyes_3

My heart goes out to you - you are living in an intolerable situation and I echo what has been said about considering removing yourself and your children.

However I also wondered whether your husband is receiving any medical attention for his depression. You mentioned that he had been out of work and this could be part of his obsession with saving. He clearly needs some help so perhaps before you do anything drastic you could approach your GP. He/she won't discuss your husband directly with you but his behaviour must be having an effect on your health (and possibly of that of your children).

Keep posting - the people are here are a fantastic support and there is always someone around to "listen" no matter what time of day or night.