big debts / big plans - would welcome some moral support

ShakerSonicBen

hi beans on toast. i hope that everything goes well.

i've not been here long at all and i plan to have my light bulb moment very soon.

from what i've read here so far your in safe hands.

southernscouser

beans_on_toast wrote:

hi lynz & hi southernscouser,

yes he is aware that i owe this much - he blames me entirely (it was my fault though) and totally begrudges coughing up the £20 each month.

i pacify him by saying that they just might wipe it off if i continue paying regularly (another lie i know, but it smoothes troubled waters)

we have been together 20 years and i have had to lie about such silly things, some big, some tiny, just to keep the peace.

Call me SS! Saves you getting RSI!

Can you not exaplain to him that by only paying £20 a month its going to take you 53 years to pay off?

I don't mean to sound harsh here (difficult with no expressions) but your OH has to take some responsibility for this debt if he is not giving you enough to cover the housekeeping! Unless your name is Moses! (was it Moses that feed loads of people with 2 bottles of Jacobs Creek and two cod and chips? )

OK, now I know you don't want to tell him through fear of his reaction but what if you were to have a solution to the problem aswell? If you worked out a budget and how long it would take you to pay off your debts if you paid £X amount each month. It would certainly help soften the blow!

For the record I'm a closet debtor so I do understand how hypocritical I'm sounding. But on the same record me and my ex-fiancee split up before I could tell her! :rolleyes:

southernscouser

KatrinaC wrote:

Southern Scouser has put a fantastic guide to how to compose a full statement of affairs as a "sticky" on the top of page one of the board.

It's true! I have!

But seruiously if you could split it into who gets what and who pays what it would be very helpful!

Toto

ok firstly stop beating yourself up. I know the housing benefit thing was a mistake but it is in the past now and there is no point at all in feeling guilty or ashamed about it. What is a good idea though is to look at what drove you to do this. From what I understand you used the £55 to feed the family, but it seems that you are in a similar position now. Your husband needs to realise his part in all of this was to ignore the fact you didn't have enough.

Now, I know it is great that hubby is saving so much money..but.. Tax credits were designed to end child poverty, to give families enough to live on, not to pay lump sums off the mortgage. Your husband is patting himself on the back each month for what 'he' saves but he has none of the worry and is doing none of the hard work. How often does he do the supermarket shop? Does he see how much it really costs to feed and clothe 5 teenage children? Until he has this understanding he has no right to make you feel bad for owing any money, frankly I think he should feel ashamed that his wife is afraid to talk to him about it, and his savings account is taking away the quality of life of his wife and kids. With that level of tax credit and your income your children should not be eating beans on toast!

The child tax credit should be paid directly to you, because that's what it's there for. I would suggest having a bills account for food, utilities, petrol etc. Have the tax credit paid into that and what's left at the end of the month can go into savings. Get him to come with you for your weekly shop a few times so he understands what things really cost, even old style money saving shopping.

You can then budget your own money, you can have your own savings account for whatever is left from your part time money, once the debts are paid.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but your husband sounds as if he has some victorian attitudes when it comes to finances. You should have some control over your money. He can save as much of his salary as he feels is right, but forcing his family to suffer because he wants to secure his future (which let's be honest, this is most likely what paying off the mortgage is about) is wrong in my opinion.

A big hig to you, you have had a tough time over the past few years and this needs to change because it isn't necessary.


xx

jennifernil

I agree with Toto!
Frankly I am amazed that your husband expects YOU to pay for all these things when he has enough over from his wages to save substantial amounts.
Your total income should be pooled, the bills paid, then if there is anything over it can be saved.
Maybe not helpful, but that is how it should be.

Toto

To be honest I would use the savings you have to clear as much debt as possible and then work out a proper budget to live from. Then start saving again. saving but living with enough to cover the bills.

I know you don't want to tell your husband and truly I understand what it's like living with someone who has periods of depression. My ex made my life a misery at times, he would go through weeks of plain nastiness for no reason. I couldn't approach him or talk to him about anything. But sometimes you need to stand your ground.

In this case the debt was jointly obtained in as much as he ate the food and used the fuel etc. They are not just your living expenses and they are not just his savings. I think you should stand up and say this is what I need to happen to make our lives better, if you can.

Please feel free to PM me if you need any help. I will be more than happy to work through this with you so you don't feel so alone xx

SSB

Hi
You must be under immense pressure and it is no wonder that you feel like you cannot cope at the moment. Incredibly brave of you to take this step and start to think about ways to sort it all out. However, apart from mortgage, what does your husband pay? What is his income? It is important to know his earnings in order to see if he is contributing equally.
It sounds like that you are keeping the peace and doing everything to make sure that your husband is OK.
What about you and the children? Just because you made some bad financial decisions in the past does not mean that you do not deserve support and understanding.

beans_on_toast_2

homersimpson wrote:

sorry I don't understand



and



postings seem to conflict- why he doesn't know in first posting and in second posting he does know? what am I missing?


he does know about the housing benefit arrears but has no idea about any other debts homer.

hope it all makes some sense!

you have all given me some great, caring advice. think i need a couple of days away from the board to think what to do next.

maybe i can explain a feew things about the debts ::

housing benefit arrears (husband knows - paying off £20 pm)

poll tax arrears (he knows we have arrears of about £1000, left over from a few years ago, when he wasnt working ... the rest is becausei darent let him know how much each years bill is as he gets mad. he thinks it is much less than it is. if he knew the full amount yes, he would be angry, but he would definately pay up. i would take the brunt though)

talktalk (we moved provider, not realising we still owed £78. when i found out i was too scared to tell him as i had initiated and sorted the whole change over so it was my fault)

tesco internet (as above)

powergen (as above)

parking tickets (got these in london when i forgot to use my sons disabled parking badge at the hospital. have tried appealling, they settled one, leaving 2 more. i am scared to tell OH)

speeding tickets (to be honest, i think one of these was OH but to keep things quiet, i completed forms and said it was me driving. they occurred rushing to hospital and next week i may get a ban - again he knows nothing of this)

avon (tried to earn some extra money - ended up spending more than i made on 'demonstrations'

congestion charge (he was actually with me when this happened, was aware of it and told me to write and sort it out. i didnt do it in time, the the bills started coming in , and i said it was resolved ....)

carphone warehouse (i stupidly agreed to let my 15 year old daughter get a contract phone on my name. was amazed when the credit check went through (and rather gutted) she didnt understand the free minutes thing and ran up this bill in 2 months - before i took the phone away. she did start giving me pocket money a bit each week to help, but i am now paying £5 pm)

capital one - this is very new. for the first time ever, i attempted to get credit (have bad history because of these stupid things!) was given a credit limit of £200, which i spent so quickly on ...yep, food and petrol. spent £28 over the limit.......paid £50 of my wages last month, but when i saw this months bill, with charges, this hasnt dented it at all! how i regret this. i have cut the thing up. never had a card before in my life - can see why people hate them now)

Tescotalk (this was wrong - we were wrongly billed. paid a great deal over the odds. again OH left it to me to complain,i didnt, it went to debt collectors, i was scared to tell him and am now paying £10 pm)

im sure there is more to explain but cant think at the moment

i will take any advice , thanks

lynzpower

Morning Beans on toast

What worries me most about what you ae writing here is the element of fear that is so pervasive.

I have been here a long while and seen many many people come and go, being worried about telling partners and how its not going to happen. the main reason for the overwhelming majority of them is that they feel that they have lket thier partner down, or thier partner woud be disappointed in them and they dont want thier partner to love them less becuase of the debt.

However, I get the feeling that you are genuinely scared of your husband. I know Im stating the obvious a little bit here, but the man you married shouold be supporting you for richer and poorer, and should actively WANT to make life easier for you as he loves you. Not much of this is coming across in your posts here.

The fact that you are actively saying you are scared about him finding out about poltax arrears, and statements like

he thinks it is much less than it is. if he knew the full amount yes, he would be angry, but he would definately pay up. i would take the brunt though)

there is an overwhelming feeling coming from your posts about negative consequences of doing something fairly normal ( discussing financial matters with your husband)

Are you worried for your safety? All this is likely to have to come out at some point, are you scared about it?

Love
Lynz
xx

beans_on_toast_2

morning Lynz

i have had good reason to fear for my safety in the past, and am so worried that i will take a step back to that again. we turned a corner, admitting these debts will put us back to where we were.

i know ...im a mug x