Is this miserly or just moneysaving?

Starrystarrynight

He buys concert tickets but doesn't mind you wearing underwear that is unlikely to be supportive anymore. You have my sympathy, OP. I don't like the sound of your OH at all. I'm glad you told him off! His ways sound quite extreme to me.

jackieglasgow

I think if he is saving for a holiday then there should be money in the budget for OP to have shoes and nicer/functional underwear. Sounds also to me very much like a control thing. As for not being able to drive further than five miles away it sounds very much like controlissues....are there other things he does or does not allow you to do? If I were you I would think long and hard about whther this is just about your current financial situation, or a small snapshot of other controlling behaviour within your relationship.

Buttonmoons

Does he expect you to go on holiday with holey shoes and a bra that doesn't support you?

Make-it-3

It may seem miserly to us, but we don't know the OP and her OH's financial situation.

They need to sit down and do their SOA together and agree a budget for everything including personal spends. If things are as tight as her partner suggests then, as has been suggested here, there are creative ways to get some things for free. If he is just trying to control what he thinks she should spend their money on, or not, then there's a problem to be sorted.

Without knowing anything else, £80 per week for a supermarket shop sounds generous and a look at the old style board, will allow the OP to make some cutbacks to allow the purchase of a new bra, shoes, and maybe the odd can of fizzy pop too.

LittleTinker

Lalaladybird wrote: »

I called my OH a miser before he went off to work this morning...poor man

Things I have asked for that he has said no to in the last wee while....

A bed rail for our toddlers new bed. In her lifetime we have moved house twice and introduced a new sibling and nothing has upset her more than moving from her cot to a bed. She loves her bed but instead of falling asleep as soon as her head hits the pillow at 7pm as she has always done she is running about til 10pm in her room. Then she'll roll out of bed or just cry during the night. I wanted to get her a bed rail not only to keep her from falling out but to make her feel more secure. OH put a footstool beside her bed and said..."that works and they didn't have bed guards 50 years ago"

A radio/cd player for the kitchen. We don't have one so I can't listen to the radio or play a cd while I am at home with the kids. Its tv or silence! He said I'll have to wait til Christmas.

Cans of fizzy drink in the weekly big shop....he said we can get squash!

He discourages me from driving more than a 5 mile radius from our house to save money on petrol.

I go about in cheap clothes. I have one pair of shoes that now have holes in. I'm still wearing my maternity bras. I only get my hair cut about 3 times a year and I always try to get my friends to visit me at home to save on buying lunch/coffee out. Yet he always calls me a spender We only spend about £80 a week on groceries that includes baby milk and nappies but he moans about that.

In his defence we are living on one income plus tax credits because I'm at home with our 2 kids under 3. He says as long as I keep spending on "silly things" we'll never get a holiday. He's a great OH and dad and I love him to bits. I just think he's really tight!

Does he sound tight to you or just sensible with money and looking at the bigger picture????

He doesnt sound tight to me.....he sounds like he is looking at the bigger picture and is being very sensible.

However, if you yearn for the things he is saying you cant afford then a problem will start to develop and will grow bigger and bigger into resentment unless you nip it in the bud right now.

You have to accept that he is doing the best for the family for now and the future, and help in ways that you can, or.....you dont and risk losing him and the stability.

A radio you could get on freecycle no problem.

Your daughter doesnt need a bed guard however she might benefit from a different routine.

Cans of pop are expensive, full of rubbish, are terrible for your children, are bad for your teeth and are expensive. Try regarding things like this as treats you only have at parties, Christmas or Holidays.....you will soon manage without and will appreciate them more.

Shoes and clothes....well really, we all have far too much anyway.

You might also find that your husband will buy things more readily if you dont ask.

I actually think you are very lucky to have someone like that.

sp1987

Lalaladybird wrote: »

I'd rather have it this way where I don't have to worry about the money at all.

It just got to the stage where I was confused whether a rant would be justified or if he is genuinely looking at the bigger picture and I was lost in the smaller daily wants.

But don't you want to worry about the money? Do you not want to use the family money together and allocate it?

I'm not going to suggest for a second if he is/isn't controlling but you seem not to want to assert yourself.

Maybe he makes decisions because he feels you don't?

I think I'd be a bit lost if my partner wasnt interested in worrying about the money as that would leave me to make all decisions.

If I was you I'd be making efforts to find out what comes in, goes out, where to, how much etc on a comprehensive level with an SOA and spending diary. You may be able to save some money in areas that means you spend the same amount but still get to buy the things you want to, whether they are essential (eg bedrail, shoes) or luxuries (fizzy drinks). My partner loves fizzy drinks, I would be happy never having one again.

Free a bit of money up elsewhere to pay for them if you can. As much as kids make you super busy, there must be a few moments in the day that can be allocated to having a quick flick through receipts and seeing what is what. Even buying essentials when they are cheaper may save a few pounds. E.g. I won't use any cheap shampoo but I buy a few bottles when they are on two for £4 rather than buying at £4 each. I'm not making any effort to save money but just not to needlessly spend it as it's stuff I'd buy anyway.

You obviously have internet access so can compare asda/tesco prices for example to see if that saves you a few pounds not even changing what you buy.

Lara44

Hey Lala

In my relationship I am one half of the partnership and therefore would *not* be satisfied to have no control over the finances. I agree with the other posters here who say you need to do a SOA together and discuss how the money that is coming in is divided up. It's not the woman's responsibility to take on child care - your OH is just as responsible, and you could equally ask him to stay home while you work.

From your other threads I gather you and your OH are having a difficult time at the moment as your OH is very unhappy in his job. Does he feel a bit resentful and this is having an impact on his control over the finances? I do think some of these things sound unduly petty and controlling. Is there any chance he can change jobs to something that he enjoys? Are there underlying issues that are stopping him from enjoying his current job? Are there any ways you can help him to overcome these? (For example lack on confidence, problems making friends, problems with skills that he could brush up on/take a course on).

Could you find some work in the evenings (or one day a week) that you might enjoy to have a bit of independent money? This might also help your OH to experience a little bit of what it's like to be at home with the little ones.

toniq

Hi,

If u do get the odd free hour, why not pop to the comps board, u can get all sorts of wins for a mild effort.

Most months I easily win makeup, books , c'ds, toiletries often bigger items too.

I'm not saying it's a solution to ur immediate issues, but the extras comps bring in certainly help.

Good luck xxx

Charlies_Mummy

OP, it sounds to me as though your husband is very controlling, and is using money, and the fact that he's the sole earner, as a way to control you. Especially the fact that if he decides to buy something, only then are you allowed something for yourself "of the same value", it's as if you're never allowed to decide to buy something for yourself, you are only allowed to wait for his say-so?

It actually sounds a very similar situation that I was in with my first husband; we both worked, him full time and me part time. He was very controlling and bullying towards me, and basically I wasn't allowed to buy anything. However little I tried to do a food shop for each week, it was too much and I got moaned at. He called me greedy and materialistic for asking for £5 to buy our daughter a pack of nappies. Our bank account never had a healthy balance despite us both working, and he used to shout and shout at me about it saying "It's certainly not MY fault". My wages went straight out again on payday to pay our mortgage, and he even took the child benefit book off me and went and collected it from the PO each month and said he used it "towards bills" so I literally was peniless. My mum and dad used to have to buy me essentials such as underwear, clothes and shoes for my daughter, tampons and the very occasional haircut.

I eventually split up with him, and when we were getting divorced and sorting finances out it turned out he had been gambling a lot, and THAT was the reason we never had any money, yet he'd been trying to blame me and make out I was overspending. It's all very well being sensible with money, but sometimes there are times when you simply need to spend money, such as you needing a bedguard for your little one, and to not allow you to buy essentials is downright bullying IMO. And I really can't see the problem in you buying a few cans of fizzy drink to have each week. A pack of 6 own-brand cans costs very little. He is being pretty horrible to just refuse to allow you to have that.

I am now very happily re-married; I don't work anymore as I have 2 more children now, and my DH is the sole earner; however it's all "our" money and my DH never questions me or makes out that I have to ask his permission to spend money or get anything.

I hope you manage to get things sorted, feel free to PM me if you want to talk about things.

Charlies_Mummy

Money_maker wrote: »

Why on earth do you need fizzy drinks - certainly hope your toddler has not been introduced to them.

What a horrible thing to say. The OP was asking for advice and support about how her DH treats her, not for others to make assumptions and judgements about how she parents her child.