Intentionally homeless - what are the options

nobblyned

We have a similar situation in my in-law family, my wife's brother. His mother has enabled him all through his adult life, no actions ever had consequences, he was always bailed out whatever he did. Even speeding fines went to her address, she opened them and paid them. He's now forty, has no permanent home, no permanent job, shuffles from one relatives house to another sponging and spending any money from temporary jobs on designer gear. By enabling someone like this you aren't helping them, you're damaging them.

poet123

nobblyned wrote: »

We have a similar situation in my in-law family, my wife's brother. His mother has enabled him all through his adult life, no actions ever had consequences, he was always bailed out whatever he did. Even speeding fines went to her address, she opened them and paid them. He's now forty, has no permanent home, no permanent job, shuffles from one relatives house to another sponging and spending any money from temporary jobs on designer gear. By enabling someone like this you aren't helping them, you're damaging them.

You are undoubtedly correct, but how many mothers could walk past/think of their son on the streets, cold, hungry and unloved, and go home and enjoy their lives with a partner who was uncaring/unconcerned.

Very few, so unless the OP is happy to walk away now, a compromise needs to be found.

purple12

Well, I was thrown out of home at 17 by my father's wife (my mother died when I was young). I never really got over the fact that he let her treat us (me and my sisters all got the 'treatment' of feeling particularly unwanted in the 'family' home) that way. The marriage wasn't desperately successful in the long run to be honest.

Maybe he's depressed as someone else has said. Maybe he's had difficulties but I can't help but think that he will be even more despondent and possibly feel even more unloved if that's allowed. Of course, there might be lots of factors that we don't know about but people react very differently to 'kicks up the backside' and what is good for one person, might be the breaking of another.

donny909

As another member has said dont allow him use of the house itself but allow him to sleep there. That way the op can be happy he can do his work and he dont have the son round the house during the day. And the parent can be happy in that they dont have to worry about what he is doing sleep eise at night.

The op claims he cant have the partners son there due to there own health issues and working from home etc. Would the op not have a worse state of health if the partner decided to side with there son afterall and walked out on them?.

You will both HAVE to find a compramise weather you like it or not. As suggested agree not to allow him use of the home during the day, no tv use, (unless there would be 1 in the room he sleeps in) no use of the internet (unless it's for a very limited time during the evening to job search only using net site filter features), get him enrolled to a gym\health club via a doctors referal and or a councilor as a condition BEFORE you'd aggree to take him in on all the other conditions.

A doctors referal to a gym\local health club course should be free or very, very cheap as ours cost £1 a go after the £3 induction. That alone should give him some motivation and something to aim for and certainly help him out mentally.

PasturesNew

You can get some nice sheds. Lots of people sleep in sheds. I wish I slept in a shed to be honest... at least it's your own space.

Sheds > boxrooms.

Salz

PasturesNew wrote: »

You can get some nice sheds. Lots of people sleep in sheds. I wish I slept in a shed to be honest... at least it's your own space.

Sheds > boxrooms.

Too many spiders

InaPickle

Salz wrote: »

Too many spiders

Nothing wrong with spiders - they eat wasps - and as such, are tiny eight-legged gods in my head!

To OP: I sympathise with your situation. It's a very, very tough one to call as the root of much of DSS behaviour is difficult to identify (depression, or mere laziness). I can see how hard it is for you, but particularly your OH. I wouldn't have thought of it, but perhaps there is some creedance to the idea of letting him into the house without any of the priveledges: I can think of few things that would wind me up more and inspire me to get the hell out of there and get myself a job.

Whatever you both decided, best of luck. I hope it turns out to be the best decision for all three of you.

RX-78

I wrote else where today but my partner's sister (I refused to be associated with her) is single, pregnant, lives with parents, has debts for cars she crashed, bailed out several times by her parents and still moans how she should be given a better life. And I have no doubt it'll be yours and my tax that'll be used to bring up her !!!!!!! child. And all that because her parents would rather suffer themselves then allow their precious daughter to suffer.

Sometimes you'll have to be cruel to be kind.

kate252

if it was me id say he can live with me under the provision he soughte his life out- lives clean- (no drugs) and gets a job. then and only the if he doesnt he ca get chucked out

i feel independance for him is hard- he doesnt sound as though he has many life skills

i feel that despite the fact he has obvious problems in growing up and taking responsabilty- and despite the fact he may be a little bit stuid and need s akick up the ars- i still feel he shouldnt be deserted and needs help as a young person

dont leave him to be homeless- this decision- could send him on a down wards path- worse than you can imagine- the support you offer him now will effect the rest of his life- dont turn your back on him

because it all hinges on the help you give him- he obviously is nt going to make it on his own is he- he bviously isnt up to it- dont turn your back on his and show tough love until youve tried and done all you can for him you owe him that- did he have a turbulent childhood?

if he has then all the more reason= i know he may be a pain in the ars- but i would give him a months grace to prove himself in your home- he has a month- in which time he needs to gte a job.

like someone sugested earlier- he can do a debt relief order for £90 so his debt will be wiped- leaving him a second chance to make his own way in life- everyone needs help in life- heck- there are people way older than him- people in their 40's and still getting bailed out and heped by their parents- and they are the ones that appear to be doing well - no surprises why -

he does sounds like a bit of a loser to be honest- but surely you could only live with the fact with him being down and out knowing you tried your hardest to help- i know in your post that you have already decided on this anyway- you are just really miffed at avign to do it and would like a get out card

there isnt one- but you shouldnt be stuck with some drop out forever- he stays on strict conditions only- or he goes- the message shuld be clear you are not carrying him- tough words and actions are needed but support- and only then may he stand half a chance i life

we all need support- dont deny it otherwise he could end up trying to get his life together for years and years and years. he might never do it even.

kate252

enabling someone and lendng someone sensible support so that they arent alone in life are two different things!!!
enablers dont address issues they just cover them over and they feed into a persons bad behaviour
people who have the strength to support can do this without doing everything for them
i had a housing support worker fr a while- now i dnt see him as debts and housing issues have been resolved- but my support worker was very big on promoting self reliance and independance- he said if he did eveything for me ultiately he wouldnt be helping- this is true- thank goodness he hasnt pandered and molly coddled- as i wouldnt be as independant as i am now with things- however- he stll cae out to see me and still was there for me over many issue enabling and supporting are different