Intentionally homeless - what are the options

Gwhiz

He does sound like one of our future "dole scrounging" gold medal winners unfortunately!

Jowo_2

rinkydinkpanther wrote: »

I wish my parents had been able to let him face the consequences of his behavior at a young age, and maybe we wouldn't all be where we are now. ...

Ditto the experience of my nephew. It's been terrible watching his passivity in the face of many self-inflicted problems.

The relatives all tried to pitch in with helping him with his benefit claims, budgeting, household skills and the like, trying to resist his frequent requests for cash handouts.

It was always feast or famine with him. He could be earning £250 cash in hand for weeks at time while also claiming JSA, council tax and housing benefits at the same time and be found the next week sitting in the dark because he couldn't afford to top up his electricity meter.

In the end, he walked away from his council tenancy, fleeing his arrears and other debts.

So its possible to give lots of advice, encouragement and support but just watch a person simply sabotage all their opportunities because of extreme apathy. It's almost like this boy just wanders around in a fog and his way of dealing with issues are simply to ignore them and lurch from one crisis to another without feeling a thing.

neverdespairgirl

There are no circumstances in which I would see my son homeless.

Morglin

On a practical level, the lad really needs to see the Student Union and/or Shelter for proper advice around his rights and options.

Teenagers are daft and often irresponsible, it's part of their genetic makeup! :whistle:

But, I have to say that, as a mum of two (now sensible and working) adults, I would never let my husband turn them away and leave them homeless if they got into trouble - it just wouldn't happen!

And, nor would I do that to his adult kids.

You say you haven't got kids, and I don't think you quite understand that parents are parents forever - we don't just stop when the kids reach 18.

To be honest, I think having a family is about supporting one another, however stressful it is, and it would be a funny sort of mum who would let her partner dictate how she helps her son or not.

It's her home as well, and if she wants to allow him to move home, then I think you'll have to grin and bear it.

Lin

BLT_2

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

There are no circumstances in which I would see my son homeless.

I'm afraid that I have to agree here, if a future partner, with no children of their own were to state that they were happy to see my child living on the street to 'teach him a lesson' they would be my ex partner.

Whilst I agree that he does need a lesson, I suspect you will soon have ample room in the house you will be living in by yourself if you follow this course of action

Or maybe this is part of the future plans you earlier alluded to

MrsTired

100% agree with neverdispairgirl, morglin & BLT. There is no way I would ever see a son (or daughter if I had one) of mine on the streets. I feel for your situation because it cannot be easy for you, but I feel more for your partner because she is the one stuck in the middle of this.

harz99

Morglin wrote: »

On a practical level, the lad really needs to see the Student Union and/or Shelter for proper advice around his rights and options.



To be honest, I think having a family is about supporting one another, however stressful it is, and it would be a funny sort of mum who would let her partner dictate how she helps her son or not.

It's her home as well, and if she wants to allow him to move home, then I think you'll have to grin and bear it.

Lin

If you read through the OPs posts again, you will see that the person concerned is described as an adult male (not teenager or lad) which makes me think he is at least 21 and old enough to make his own decisions like holidaying in the USA.

Also he is not her son. It appears that the adult male's own mother is not involved either.

From the OPs posts again, he has been given plenty of advice on where to seek help, he just won't or can't for whatever reason.

We have an adult son who also declines to take any advice, and despite the help we have given him over the years just wanted to do his own thing which lead to him having to leave home; at last he met a lady at the age of 39 and started to sort himself out. Now at least he has a stable home, but he never contacts us, its always us to him. Not any more.

Which is why I think the OP should stick to her guns and cut him loose after one final prod as to where to get advice/help.

TwistedPsycho

we have had to deal with similar issues recently in our family, where the OP may take solace that they are not the only ones to consider and take this action.

My brother, who is now in his twenties started off with a small job and was doing okay for himself after leaving school with very little academic qualification. Okay so he still lived at home but he was contributing financially to it and family life was okay (I at this point had already moved away for university).

He got his first girlfiend who was high maintainance and he run up debts which turned bad after he was made redundent. One for example was a mobile phone bill of over £700 for ONE month! She got fed up and left, he got depressed, took it out on her fathers car, etc, etc. We bailed him out with a few payments while he set up an agreement with creditors, which he very quickly defaulted on the £1 a week payment to each of the five.

He was given a chance, a roof kept over his head, he started working at the same place as our parents for 6 months and made redundant from that; the dole was a lonely place for him. He found a new girlfriend at some 8 week course that he had to attend to keep his JSA, she pursuaded him to stop attending after five weeks. She got "advised to leave" her Housing Assn flat after trashing the neighbours gardens, not paying bills, etc. My mother was convinced by them that the girlfriend was pregnant and she took her in on the understanding that they go straight on the council list, even putting this in writing that she was providing temporary accomodation only.

The months passed. My mum received none of the promised "we will pay our way for the food and electricity" from their housing benefits or JSA, or whatever they were receiving, because they were too busy buying new laptops, mobile phones and going out drinking. There were no maternity appointments and while the baby was "due" in August and then October, even as recently as May, our expectant new mum was busy lifting heavy beds across the bedroom, throwing heavy boxes around. The council did not appear to be doing much either. The doctor however was happy to prescribe "pick-me-ups" for the whole family.

So.... where am I going with this? My mum gave her written notice that my brothers (now) fiancee (they had already bought the wedding rings) was to leave. She was deemed an Excluded Occupier and the Council actually tried to force my mother to accept they were tenants; because the council knew that they had told THEM that there was no baby. They were getting intelligent and knew that if one of them remained in the house at all times then if the locks were changed they could claim that they were being imprisoned, until they made the mistake that one was out and one needed the shop. The locksmith was there within 20 minutes.

My brother was welcome to still live in the family home. His girlfriends parents had REFUSED to let her live with them up until that point and then took her in. My brother refused to have anything to do with my family and has not been seen since the end of June, last heard apparently getting a room in a shelter for the homeless. We found out why when they had gone.... they had trashed the bedroom and where there was a floor you were now standing on the wrong side of the downstairs ceiling in places, and the language scrawled on the wall as messages for the family arefar beyond repeatable on a family forum such as this.

I still have not got to my point, have I. You may still love your family, but sometimes they HAVE to be let loose to make their own mistakes. My brother is still welcome in my parents home, yet he refuses. Now that (allegedly) he is getting married in November, and we are not even invited to the ceremony, occasionally that bond has to be broken, to be repaired later.

twirlypinky

this is a tough one, my parents went through something similar with my brother.

Basically the last thing you want is to cause ructions between yourself and your wife, which is going to be difficult if you're unwilling to help him and she really wants to.

Personally I would clear the spare room of everything bar a bed and let him stay there. I would not feed him or allow him to watch your telly or anything like that. Give him a roof and nothing else.

Whats most important is that you discuss this in full with your wife and make sure you're both in full agreement of all this - you don't want him knowing she's an easy target and creeping around her to get things you wouldn't offer.

Ask him ten times a day when he's going to apply for a job too.

paddy's_mum

It's not the son who is the problem. It's your partner and her determination to prop up her 'baby', however bad for him that may be. I'd bet money that she has been spoiling/forgiving/over protecting him all his life, working very hard to teach him how to take.

Your choices may be stark - house him or lose her. I suspect that in the face of your stance, her thoughts may already have turned to how to leave.

For what it's worth, I too would be planning a course of tough love in this situation. It's just a pity that you are likely to be caught in the cross fire of his carefully orchestrated inertia. Good luck and hope a middle of the road way through this can be found.