Intentionally homeless - what are the options

viewings

So either way I am in a no win situation. If I dont agree to have him here when and if he is literally on the streets, it sabotages my relationship.

If I do agree to have him here, then my mental health suffers, which will inevitably impact on my relationship. I also work from home, I have to make a lot of confidential calls, this will be impacted too as I cant make those whilst someone is here.

This makes me even more annoyed at his behaviour.

oneandonlypurplegirl

I don't understand how students get into these debts - I spent three years at university (2002-2005), without a job, and managed to survive on a student loan.

Those who want to live life of luxury while at university must get a part-time job to fund this.

I would avise he go and see the student union - there are 'special cirmumstances' grants available for those in serious debt.

Jowo_2

paddy's_mum wrote: »

...his carefully orchestrated inertia. ...

I like that phrase because it chimes with my experience of a passive-aggressive friend. It may not necessarily be deliberate but they have learned that if they do nothing, there is very little direct consequences for them and that others will automatically step in to help.

My pal had appalling financial problems and had the same kind of approach as the OPs step-son - sleep walking into debt while refusing to cut down on her lifestyle expenses, never taking any action, never taking any responsibility - none of her problems was any of her fault.

The straw that broke the camels back for me was when she demanded sympathy for debt collectors who contacted her about an unpaid phone bill she couldn't afford shortly after she returned from a 3 week holiday from China. She saw absolutely no relationship or conflict between luxury holidays on the one hand (which also spanned Australasia and India despite low or no income) and tapping her friends and relatives to pay her household bills and social expenses.

There are just some people who belong to the 'learned helplessness' end of spectrum, who do their best to engender sympathy for their problems and step-back while others fix things for them. They find it suits them to do nothing.

poet123

viewings wrote: »

So either way I am in a no win situation. If I dont agree to have him here when and if he is literally on the streets, it sabotages my relationship.

If I do agree to have him here, then my mental health suffers, which will inevitably impact on my relationship. I also work from home, I have to make a lot of confidential calls, this will be impacted too as I cant make those whilst someone is here.


This makes me even more annoyed at his behaviour.

Children always impact on any parental "relationships" ....for life.

Brb

Whilst it was traumatising at the time being booted out at 17 (not through laziness I may add, I was working full-time hours and also going 6th form). I lived in a hostel for the homeless (rugby mayday trust) for a couple of years and I learnt to live on my own two feet. I gave up the work and 6th form and instead went to college full-time and cleaned office buildings in the evenings.

Sometimes being booted out and being responsible for yourself can be the making of you.

However if a partner was to tell me my daughter couldn't come home he'd find his bags packed for him then again I am raising my child to teach her life skills, the value of money and the importance of paying bills promptly.

You're inbetween a rock and a hard place really, hope it gets sorted amicably for you all.

melancholly

he may also have to pay back his student loan when he officially gives up uni....

good luck with it - there aren't any 'good' or 'easy' solutions to this..... the only positive i can potentially see is that this really is going to bring some issues to a head that have been simmering and been ignored for a while. it might get a bit ugly, but better to have it dealt with (?)

hope it works out (and that you don't get hit too much in cross fire!)

Tiddlywinks

You're with his mum now so he has become part of your family by default - try being a little less judgemental and a little more accepting that we are all different and sometimes we just need help .

How about family mediation so that you can all communicate your views and positions. The process should help you to understand each other rather than carry on believing that you know what is going on with the others' minds and lives.

He hasn't managed his life properly but WHY? Has he been helped to develop those skills?

Why did he drop out of uni? Why can't he get a job? Why is he so overweight? Does he have emotional / health issues?

I feel sorry for your partner - you are forcing her to choose between you and her son..... and YOU can be replaced!

paddy's_mum

Errm, excuse me Tiddlywinks ... but so can she and without all the problems of some kind of glorified small boy who needs his nappy changed!!!!

However, I fervently agree that family mediation may be the only way forward in this distressing situation. Where is the son's father?

Anyone care to take bets on whether or not the son will agree to stir his stumps and attend mediation sessions with his family by default?

PasturesNew

Definitely get a shed.... somebody can make use of it.

pingu2209

I have read this thread with interest. I feel for all involved. Your relationship is most likely dammed if you refuse to take him in, but you are probably right that he needs to manage his own mess in order to start to learn. However, a few points:-

- Your stepson was at Uni so perhaps he was 18, 19, 20 or 21? If so, for a man that is still quite mentally young (according to my husband)!

- Your stepson is very overweight. Someone who gets to 25 odd stone is not overweight just because of greed, there is nearly always a mental health issue. Eating to escape. Severely obese people have an eating disorder that is as bad as anorexia or bullemia.

- Clearly your stepson is from a broken home, or his parents would still be together. Perhaps the break up had a huge affect on him. Even if the break up was when he was under 7 or younger the effects of divorse on children are massive. This could be the reason for his extreme weight.

- Hitting rock bottom for a child with mental health issues and from a broken home, doesn't always mean they learn and start to climb back up. You will need to be able to look your wife in the eye, and yourself in the mirror, if by not letting him come back to his mothers home now means that in 1 or 2 years he is in such a depression that he is unable to work at all.


I can fully appreciate that if you marry someone who has grown up children your own personal plans for the future of your marriage may be to have a quiet home, holidays for couples etc. Having an adult step child come back into the equation means those plans go out the window for a while. However, as you do not have children it is understandable that you don't understand that parents are parents for life, not just for 18 years. From his mother's perspective her son needs help and she can help him.

He is not on drugs, he is not steeling your possessions, he is not having mad parties, he is not inviting all and sundry round your house in the early hours of the morning. Things could be worse.

I really don't know what you should do. There is no right or wrong. However, perhaps you could find a happy medium with your wife, by allowing her to have her son back home but there are certain ground rules which are not financial but would make her son feel that he is 12 again and make it unbearable for him to live at home.

For example:- he doesn't have a key to the house. He has to be home by 10pm or the door is locked. There are no friends in the bedroom or allowed to stay overnight. It is your TV so only your programmes are watched in the evening. He has no use of the phone. He can not help himself to food in the fridge outside of meal times. All food and drink is to be eaten at the dining table only. No smoking in the house or garden. He has to be in bed by midnight. He is not allowed a TV in his room.

Believe me, these rules would drive me up the wall!!!!