Money Moral Dilemma: Should I make my daughter pay for it?

anggrrr

I know I'm a bit out of step with the majority here but I think you should negotiate on paying it back, particularly as this is the first time you've put your foot down.

Your previous pattern has been to make a show of insisting that she pays you back and then never mentioning it again. You say you "forget" but if I was your daughter I would assume that you had changed your mind and gave it to me as a gift. I certainly don't think it's fair to expect her to remind you: imagine how much trouble credit card companies would be in if they didn't send their customers statements and minimum payment dates. This has to be a wake up call for you and for her.

Make it clear that this time she is going to pay the difference but talk to her about how the debt will be cleared. Perhaps talk to her to decide how much pocket money she thinks it's fair that she loses or offer to wipe some of the debt off for chores. Make it clear that this is the last time you will be so lenient and that in future she will either need to have the money that with her or ALL her pocket money will be stopped until it's paid off.

I'd also tot up the extra money I'd spent on her and, if I could afford it, mind, give her a little extra allowance (although not as much as I had spent) on the understanding that the treats are going to stop. Then you can be seen as spending almost as much on her and giving her a bit more cash to play with. You would have to be very strict with yourself and be consistent, though, and not get into a habit of subbing her again.

I'm assuming this is someone over about ten or so and under school leaving age.

GW65

I'm flabbergasted by the responses saying you should spoil your kids, don't be a skinflint, etc. There's a big difference between buying them presents for birthdays/Christmas/etc, and the situation described here. If they agree to pay, they should pay - if you back down it sends all the wrong messages and they'll never learn the value of keeping a promise or the value of money. Parenting isn't a popularity contest - it's about helping your children to grow up to be happy and balanced members of society. If kids get everything they want, they stand a good chance of growing up to be very unhappy adults.

trunkywantabun

I haven't read all of the other replies but they all seem to be along the theme of 'you should get her to pay the money back'.

I disagree. You admit that you have been inconsitent in the past whether you get her to pay you back or not . In fact, it sounds like you have set a precedent for her not paying you back. People need consistent rules and she is justified to be upset if usually a threat to pay back the money is made but not followed up, and then this time you suddenly change behaviour and pressure her to repay the money.

You should let this situation go. Now what you need to do is set out clear rules with her and be consistent with them from now on. Make a clear difference between when you choose to buy her a gift and when you expect her to pay you back (by pocket money deductions or whatever).

All animals, whether that be adults, children, toddlers, dogs etc etc work on fairly basic psychological prinicples. You can't behave inconsistently with any animal and then expect a rational response because they don't understand the nature of the relationship in that area.

I agree that it is good to know the meaning of money, but your daughter needs to be confident of the rules when the transaction takes place.

book_queen

You do not say how old your daughter is but when you say she has to pay her part, she should do so. Perhaps you could discuss how she is to pay back what she owes - how long will she be without pocket money ? Perhaps she may think it more fair if she has some pocket money (perhaps half) and it is longer before the full amount is reinstated. You may also suggest that if she does not pay back what she owes you will not be so gererous in the future and, if that happens,stick to your guns, do not let her get away with taking even more money from you. You could even insist she takes money out with her or return home to get her money before you buy.

dronid

A strop is not a reason to do anything. Ever. Every person who has had a strop because they didn't get what they wanted or the special treatment they desired has learnt that having a strop works. How many children or adults do you know who have strops because they're used to people placating them? It's not an answer EVER. It teaches nothing valuable to people. Most people who are placated all the time do not think of others, are not self sufficient and end up being emotionally stunted. If they have children - and bear in mind they're pretty self-centred anyway so may not want the competition, they'll teach them the same thing.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't get presents or make people feel special. Bear in mind people who are indulged and spoilt are rarely that happy or feel that special. There's no contrast to their lives. Nothing ends up being more than adequate. Everything is an entitlement rather than a reflection of their value as a person.

Sorry this is a little full on - it's more about some of the general responses rather than a specific answer to the question.

The answer to the question is, yes she should pay back what she offered, maybe by halving her pocket money for the longer time or all for a quicker payback. And better still, when it comes up again negotiate the terms before you buy! That'll keep it in her mind and ensure that she goes for the best value solution rather than the most expensive.

Cinders2001

She entered into an oral contract with you. She agreed at the time of purchase to pay half.
She should be kept to it.
Strops dont last forever.... she'll get over it!

And when she is 40 with a teenager of her own, she will remember the lesson learnt and do the same with her daughter.

Stick with it and build for the future!

grumpylittleprincess

Completely agree, my son often pulls the same trick forgetting his money! If it's something small or cheap I enjoy treating him if he's been well behaved but something big I will offer to pay half. If it's something on special offer that might not be in the store for long, I will buy it then but he doesn't get to have it until he's paid me back from pocket money or he can do some extra chores to earn more money. I agree children need to learn the value of money when they are younger. I don't have bottomless pockets and work hard to earn my money. If his money is burning a hole in his pocket, I like him to shop around and not just buy the first thing he sees. I'd rather he took time to think about buying something if it's expensive and not just let it be an impulse buy that he regrets later.

Tulgey_Wood

Its perfectly reasonable to stick to your agreement. In the real world (as so many of us know) NOT sticking to agreements can cost you an absolute fortune. If your kids grow up always expecting to get everything for free, they're going to have a very costly bump down to earth when the grow up! Of course its lovely to be able to just buy things for you children, but most of us just can't. My kids always have more 'spare' money than me, so if they want something expensive, it generally has to come out of their own money. Knowing this means that they seriously weigh up how much they really want something - often they decide its not worth spending the money, which is a lesson it took me over twenty years to learn for myself!
It isn't being harsh, its teaching them to be realistic about money, which is is probably in the top ten of Valuable Gifts You Can Give To Your Children.

LauraPalmer_2

I completely commend you for taking this tack. I can understand why you doubt yourself (she can't be making it easy!) but rest assured you're teaching her very valuable lessons about money and promises, and there's no other way for her to learn unless she makes her own, possibly drastic, mistakes later on in life. One day she'll thank you for it.

As to the suggestions that you give in - you won't be making her life happier, you'll just make that a better day. 10 or 20 years from now, that approach might have her defaulting on a loan or credit card and undergoing years and years of debt related stress. You're working for the long term, and in the short term she's still getting lovely things she wants! Well done you and stick at it, no matter how much she wails!

sexpot

why are people so dim, we need to teach are kids the value of money, give them what they want and you earn no respect