Money Moral Dilemma: Should I make my daughter pay for it?



  • quietcarlos
    quietcarlos Forumite Posts: 30 Forumite
    edited 4 August 2010 at 8:58AM
    Yes you should stick by your "deal" how else is your daughter going to be able to manage money or learn that when she says she is going to do something then she will do it! Its ok to quote the bible and say be lenient but that doesn't work for the vast majority. Life is tough unfortunately, and hard lessons need to be learnt young.
  • jeanmd
    jeanmd Forumite Posts: 2,359
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    edited 4 August 2010 at 9:02AM
    I agree she must pay it back.
    We have a 17 year old dd who will be going to uni next year. We're decided that we wanted her to learn to handle money before she went. She gets a decent amount every week from us, plus she works weekends. She has to pay for her own travel to college and anything she spends while there. She's got wise and takes a packed lunch to save money.
    She also has to buy her own toiletries and clothes and is saving up for a car. She also has a Blackberry on contract and never misses giving me the money in time for the direct debit. We do pay half her driving lessons, theory and driving test. She pays for the petrol we use when she want's running anywhere. We even take it in turns to buy coffee when out shopping.
    Before we started doing this, she would blow all her money. Now she saves, is careful what she spends and tries to get her boyfrind to look after his money as he's going to uni this year. She doesn't go without anything, never borrows and is well dressed.
    I'm very proud her and how she has coped. :)
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  • Katie-Kat-Kins
    Katie-Kat-Kins Forumite Posts: 1,741 Forumite
    You definitely need to change what is happening. Your daughter is taking advantage of you and will not learn any good financial sense. You also aren't giving her actual treats but are still spending money on her if you see what i mean.

    What my mum used to do was keep a note of any money loaned in her diary, and make a running total of my "debts" which had to be paid off. This started when I had an allowance and continued when I got a part time job and the allowance stopped. I learnt that debts had to be paid off, and the sense of acheivement when you do it. I also learnt that sacrificing hobbies etc was sometimes necessary to fund other things.

    I didn't run up debts willy nilly but there would be times when my allowance wouldn't stretch to pay for expensive things like christmas presents or a new coat. Or maybe I just hadn't got the means to pay at the time, for example on £10 cash for a £20 purchase (back then teenagers couldn't get debit cards).

    The attitude my mum took has served me well and I'm not bad at managing my finances now.

    Make sure your daughter takes some money out when you go out and knows what she has saved.

    If you are going to treat her do it when you want to and tell her it is your treat, and why you are treating her. If you don't intend to treat her, tell her she needs to pay you back, ask her whether she has the money saved or whether she will be paying you out of next week/months pocket money or doing extra chores. Agree a course of action before parting with the cash so that she can decide whether it is worth it. If she realises that the fancier rabbitt hutch is going to cost 6 weeks pocket money then she might decide the basic one is good enough, this is an important skill for her to learn for the future.

    But you need to be consistent and stick to your guns despite any strops!

    And keep a written record as you go along so that there are no fall outs.
  • Gleek
    Gleek Forumite Posts: 710
    500 Posts
    MSE_Lee wrote: »

    My daughter never takes money out with her, so I end up buying her something, and insisting she repay. Yet once home I forget, she doesn't remind me it gets out of hand. We just bought a new hutch for the rabbit, the one she really liked was quite a lot but she insisted she would pay half, now she's in a strop due to me saying she is not having pocket money for weeks due to paying it off. Should I be lenient?

    I'm the other way round, it's me (grown up kid) who ends up paying for everything that her mother buys when we're out shopping.

    It gets my goat to be honest, so I understand how you feel. All promises of 'money coming back' either don't materialise or don't end up coming true.

    I'd say yes - the child sounds young (when you say pocket money) so I would make her pay it back to learn budgeting for later - but obviously it's easier said than done.
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  • piglet_libby
    piglet_libby Forumite Posts: 37 Forumite
    As a teenager, my friend's father had a notebook he used to record the children's pocket money in.
    He'd mark down the money due, and anything that had been "withdrawn" from the pocket money "bank".

    That way, both of them could see clearly what had been spent. My friend could choose whether to take the money that had accrued, or to save it for later. It taught him to manage his money more effectively.

    The golden rule with children though is consistency. If you say one thing and do another, they'll never learn. If you think stopping pocket money altogether is unfair, then reduce it until the debt is paid off. If you go back on your word now, then your child will learn that you don't mean what you say.
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  • gibbsy
    gibbsy Forumite Posts: 3 Newbie
    Hard as it sounds, I believe that you should. It is the best way for her to learn.

    My partners 18 year old has never had to pay anything back before I arrived - although there was always the promise. Now she is having problems managing her money, budgeting and there is an almighty row going on over her paying board to live at home. She is being paid weekly but wants to pay us monthly - I will not allow as I know she wont have the money left so am thinking of suggesting she pays upfront lol lol lol

    I have instigated a list - whereby anything she owes me goes on that list. She is expected to pay up before she pays for hair, nails, clothes and other stuff or everything stops, all cooperation and help (lifts, loans, cooking, everything). Funnily enough I am the one who is being paid back for things, she is putting money aside and telling me when she will have the money or she is giving it to me in installments if a larger sum and she really is having a problem paying it back. :T

    She owes her dad in the region of £900 at the moment :eek::eek::eek: (which he needs back asap) but every time he tries to ask her for it the battle over what was paid back when and as neither of them KNOW for sure and there are no rules then both are indignant and feeling hard done by. :mad:

    She told her dad the other day that she would pay him £40 she owed him only if he let her off of the chores she was doing so she could go out. I stepped in and said no blackmail in our house. What is owed is owed and will be paid back without argument or blackmail. It is a privilege to have a loan, not a right

    She is also taking better care of her things as SHE is having to pay if she drops/breaks/spills coffee over/leaves out in the rain said item. Things are magically being put away and there is real heartbreak if something is damaged, whereas before she would just want it replaced and not care how the damage happened.

    Her comment to me the other day - "before you arrived I always got what I wanted, you are hard on me but it is making me a better person, and I am starting to value things more" and it wasn't followed up by a can I borrow £20 question either :T

    I know it is harsh - but it doesn't do them any harm to learn to budget and be aware of paying for stuff from the start. Your daughter will learn from what you show her, and the world will not be as kind as mum.

    Sorry if I have gone a bit off topic - but friends have said that it gets to be a wider and bigger problem the longer it goes on.
  • NickiO_2
    NickiO_2 Forumite Posts: 3 Newbie
    Oh yes, my daughter is saving her £1.50 pocket money (and any money from birthdays etc) every week for an ipod touch. This means that she never takes money out with her. If she does want something I always get the money back later as I see this as a way for her to put a value on her money. Hopefully she will also put high value on the said item when she gets it.
  • lisa76
    lisa76 Forumite Posts: 1,589
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    I have to echo the 'don't let her off' brigade. I have a 6 year old who every now and again I make pay for little things that she wants (an ice cream or a magazine) and it's surprising how suddenly she doesn't really want it. Yes it's very early for her to start learning about money but I think it's something you need to instill at a very early age. She knows that if she keeps her room tidy and does the odd little chore for me (help me wash my car, sort the washing etc) then she'll get her pocket money. She also loves taking her money (£2 max) and buying her Dad a birthday present etc and it means more to him knowing she chose and paid for it!

    On the other side of the spectrum I have a step son who gets near enough everything he wants. His Dad (my hubby) tries to instill some responsibility for money into him but he usually gives in in the end, and his Mother is rubbish with money and borrows left right and centre so that's where he gets it from! I don't believe in buying a computer console every year for Xmas and running a contract phone at 13.

    I totally agree with someone who said if the child wants a big purchase they should save and the parent matches that amount - I think this is a really good way of teaching the child the value of money. Don't get me wrong I love spoiling my daughter every now and again with little bits and bobs that I've picked up in a sale somewhere - there is nothing warmer than the feeling I get when her face lights up and she gives me a thank you kiss, but she also knows that these are treats and that she is not to 'expect' presents etc.

    My Mum gave me an allowance for clothes at 12 with a little cash book that I had to keep up to date. Yes it was a bit over the top for a 12 year old but I kept it up until I got married then I stopped. I started back up again last year (with an Excel document) and I find that I keep much better control of my money when I can see where I'm spending it every month.

    Anyway I didn't mean to waffle on as much as I have, but to reiterate don't let your daughter off or she'll expect the same when she's left home and run up a huge store card debt!
  • Streethawk_2
    Streethawk_2 Forumite Posts: 27 Forumite
    Do you want your children to understand the value of money? Your choice.
    Make her work it off!
    I thought I was a Money Saving Expert - then someone pointed me at Martin Lewis! Now THERE's an expert!!!
  • sbas70
    sbas70 Forumite Posts: 10 Forumite
    How will she ever learn to keep her word if you let her get away with it? Teach her to be honest & stop buying every thing for her. Remind her before you go out to make sure she has her money with her, & make her pay. Otherwise she'll never be able to handle money & stand on her own two feet. That is why so many young people get so deeply in debt with credit cards, that don't know the value of money because they've never been taught.
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