would you have a baby without any family support at all around?

no1catman

red_devil wrote: »

what about things like presents for the kids on their birthdays etc no just family support?

That's what the 'post' is for.
But then maybe my opinion is coloured by my own experince. Most of my Mother's family were 150 miles away to the south-west, with another sister 170 miles north, and another brother in Canada. Only knew my paternal Grandfather for a few years before he passed over.

no1catman

daphne_descends wrote: »

Ask them not to park on the verge if it's annoying you but the rest of your comment is really harsh. Perhaps she had a difficult birth, or perhaps there were, or are now, complications. Perhaps she is physically limited for the time being. And even if not, so what? I agree that support is never a condition but you actually sound like you begrudge this woman getting it?

Parking - they do know, the FIL would park elsewhere before and walk the short distance, but with the MIL as well she won't.
Difficult birth - maybe, though she might have been pregnant for long enough, she didn't look 'big' enough!
Physically limited - unlikely, didn't take long before she drove her car again. And 'out on the town' with friends two weeks after getting the baby home.
Begrudge - no just perplexed, we wonder just when are the 'apron strings' going to be cut. My sister is a grandmother, asked my Father 'how often do they go to visit' 'Oh yes they go quite a lot' 'yes but how often' 'about once a-week' - seems reasonable to me.
Harsh - maybe, but then I don't understand why people go so 'over the top' about them e.g. isn't he beautiful - well no not really - they all look like Winston Churchill!!

red_devil

Rockporkchop wrote: »

Surrogate grandparents would be wonderful and we did briefly look into it but I was a bit worried about the security and safety aspect. Also it seems like there are barely enough hours in the day for the basics at the moment and I didn't want to invite someone new into our lives and have to let them down if the children are sick or if either of us has to work. I will definitely bear it in mind for the future.

To answer your question though, no it didn't put me off having children but if I had known then what I know now I would have done my utmost to start a family in my early twenties, so I would have a family around me. My own mum was a childminder so would have been a wonderful grandmother.

i agree about safety and security but can we always trust our families????

When my son was growing up his aunty and his paternal grandad lived in the same town as us and often had to over to tea or took him out for the day. Sometimes i was able to go along as well. Sometimes they had him on his own. It was a great help. If i was to have a baby now I am in different circumstances. I wouldnt really have anyone for various reasons.

OrkneyStar

red_devil wrote: »

Just curious when people say they will move nearer their family when they have children for support whether anyone has done it with no family around at all to help and support?

How important is it to have family around and would it stop you if you didnt have anyone at all and you wanted a baby??

My mum is 300 miles away, as is sister and family, hubby's dad lives nearby but has such a busy social life we don't ask him to baby sit really. Some other of DH's family nearby but don't ask them either as they busy/don't know them that well- one of his elderly Aunts is lovely and takes an interest but would not ask her to babysit as I don't think its fair! I struggle sometimes (esp. with sore back) but mostly manage. Don't want any more though!
As for presents- he doesn't go short as mum posts presents (birthday etc) and also small gifts/pocket money too!

Kate78

Another perspective...

Growing up, we had no extended family nearby, nearest grandparents were 1.5 hour car drive away.

Mum says it was very hard on her when we were little not having that extra support, but she said that the good part was that she could do things her own way without interference.

And when we were older it meant that we got the experience of staying away from home without our parents when we would go and visit grandparents in the school holidays.

sassyblue

no1catman wrote: »

Parking - they do know, the FIL would park elsewhere before and walk the short distance, but with the MIL as well she won't.
Difficult birth - maybe, though she might have been pregnant for long enough, she didn't look 'big' enough!
Physically limited - unlikely, didn't take long before she drove her car again. And 'out on the town' with friends two weeks after getting the baby home.
Begrudge - no just perplexed, we wonder just when are the 'apron strings' going to be cut. My sister is a grandmother, asked my Father 'how often do they go to visit' 'Oh yes they go quite a lot' 'yes but how often' 'about once a-week' - seems reasonable to me.
Harsh - maybe, but then I don't understand why people go so 'over the top' about them e.g. isn't he beautiful - well no not really - they all look like Winston Churchill!!

Maybe you should spend more time getting on with your own life than watching what your neighbours are getting upto, there's obviously alot of love in that family - lucky children!! You do sound begrudging and judgemental.

To the OP, l would say if you want children go ahead and don't let the fact that there may not be alot of help for you now put you off. By the time baby comes you will have met and made friends with more people, and will get to know childminders through your health visitors and life has a way of working out. I worried about these things and it took me 7 years to get my little boy! by the time he'd arrived my mum had retired after an accident at work and is able to look after my little one the afternoons l need.

We lost my MIL in that time and so l'm pleased my little boy has a nanny he can spend as much time with as nanny wants.

I also want to say, if and when that baby comes you may feel resentful at times, being a mum (or dad!) is the HARDEST job in the world, my friends used to tell me that, describe the breastfed nipples that felt they'd been through a paper shredder, sleepless nights, exhaustion etc, and then say they wouldn't change it for the world - l couldn't understand what they meant it sounded awful!! But now l know and they were right, even in the hard times you look at this baby and all you see is perfection and it's all worthwhile.

Good luck x

Blue_Monkey

Interesting.... OH and I are currently living in Australia and the subject of babies comes up more and more - something to do with turning 30 this year methinks!

Initially we thought we'd go home to the UK to start a family, but I'm not totally sure now... We don't feel in any great rush to head back, but at the same time, the broody-monster keeps rearing her head so just yesterday we had the conversation that we'll decide on having a baby before we decide on whether to go home.

My mum has already said she'll be devastated if we start a family here and away from her... the other parents (we have 3 sets as mine are divorced) don't really mention it. I think they'd be sad but perhaps not as vocal about it as my mum. So part of me worries that if/when it comes time to annouce our happy news, it will be tainted by my mum's reaction. Yes I want my kids to be close to her and the rest of the parents, but I need to live my life for me and my family. I'm not sure if that makes me selfish or not....

Funnily enough I actually like the thought of the space. My mum, bless her, can be a bit interfering and overwhelming and I know will lay on the guilt if we do have children here.

But at the same time, it makes me sad to be experiencing pregnancy and birth so far away from everyone I know and love (we don't have a large or close-knit group of friends here like we do back in the UK). I would love to see my parents and brother hold my baby at a few hours/days old which would definitely happen if I was back home... Not thrilled with the idea of them turning up en masse when I'm not pregnant, let alone just about to pop or 5 days after when I'm stressed/tired and they'd all have jet-lag and need somewhere to stay!!!!! I suppose what I mean is at home, I'd have the balance between time alone and then time with people - whereas here it would be either going it alone or quite intense with full on tourist/visitors..............

So in answer to the original question: Yes I would have a baby with no family support around... Not sure if it would be my ideal situation, but at 30 years old am realising life doesn't always go to plan and that you can't always have your cake and eat it!

SugarSpun

We live in Germany. Husband's family are in the US (and involve a brother and a sister, a great-aunt and a cousin) and mine in the UK (parents, brother, aunts, uncles, cousins and cousins' kids). Having the baby without family has been fine - we have friends who've done stuff for us and we've coped without family input. But when my husband spent a month in hospital when the baby was four months old, my mother spent three weeks here with the baby and me, and I don't know how I'd have coped without her. I couldn't bring the baby to the hospital to visit Husband because he was on a ward filled with germs, and I didn't feel I could ask anyone to babysit for a couple of hours every day so I could go and see him.

Edit to add that she has since engineered a falling out with my husband and as a result I'm not sure how much we could count on her in the future. But it wouldn't stop us having another baby.

JoJoB

We live hundreds of miles away from family and it is difficult sometimes, but you adjust. Obviously we don't get a break which at times can get a bit draining and it would be lovely to drop DD off with grandparents to go to the cinema or something, but it's not too bad.

Some family with cousins she gets on really well with live a 3 hour train ride away so we have done lots of summer visits to them as we don't want her growing up not knowing who her relatives are! It's a longer journey to the rest of the family, but we try to see them 2-3 times a year and they visit us once or twice.

I'm not too fussed about the freedom to go out in the evening or anything, so mostly it's ok - just would be nice to have the odd free day to switch off or something!

MERFE

I have family close by, are they supportive or helpful in anyway erm no. It hasn't put us off in the slightest but it has made us consider moving back to near MIL who will be alot more helpful. It's not really babysitting we are looking for but popping round for a cup of tea or having MIL round for dinner one week.