Wedding Issue

Scoflo

Thanks all for your help. its really been invaluable. I am saying more than I should now so will bow out whilst I have some integrity intact. Thanks again.

Person_one

scottishflower2000 wrote: »

It was a reference to the money, not to the daughter. Money is all we have been able to offer as contact was refused. Maintenance was paid for all 3 until the youngest was in work, not stopping when each was 19 as normal to ensure they never went short.

In the marriage money was a huge bone of contention due to it being spent faster than being earned on bingo, clothes and nights out whilst the mortgage & car payments bounced. Each were as bad as the other with no reposnsibility being taken for management, just rowing when there was none left.

I understand the phrase as meaning "Throwing good money after something bad", the something bad being the daughter. Maybe we understand the phrase differently.

I don't think the fact that your husband continued to contribute after 19 is all that much of a 'moral high ground', he would have been if he was still living with their mother so I see it as expected.

ManOnTheMoon

Every situation is different, but my childrens mothers both walked out and never kept in touch. My girls would burn anything sent to them by their mothers if they ever got in touch.

From the daughter's point of view, this is a parent who walked out and left her. Forget the reasons, from her view, as a child, she was left by someone it sounds like she doted on.

I'm sure it's hard for your husband, I can't imagine not being able to see my girls and don't want too. Maybe a card with a gift is a good idea, maybe not, but please don't let him turn up at her wedding and send the gift AFTER the wedding, so it's not on her mind on the day, although it will have come across her mind that he should have been 'giving her away'. It's not the time or place for reconciliation.

Whatever happens, I wish you all the best and none of the above was meant as a judgement, but maybe a view from the daughter's line of possible thinking.

Any

Person_one wrote: »

Maybe 15 is nearly an adult, but its a terrible age to have to deal with your parents separating, 5 would have been easier. The fact that her dad left for another woman will have been incredibly difficult and she will still feel loyal and defensive for her mum's sake. The fact that your husband is close to your children and essentially has a new family will only make it harder.

These are not easy emotions to deal with, even ten years on and even at 25. I don't think we should be criticising the daughter here. She doesn't have to invite her dad to her wedding and if she feels that the relationship was irretrievably damaged by what was done when she was 15, its understandable. She essentially lost the dad she thought she had that day.

To the OP, I would send a card and include a letter stating that you love her and if she ever wants to try and form a new relationship your door is open. Send a gift (it doesn't have to be cash but I would make it something of value to show that you place importance on her wedding) and wait and see. She may call after the honeymoon, she may call in ten years, she may never call but you should be prepared to welcome her with open arms if she ever does.

Oh, and in your OP you refer to 'throwing good money after bad', I don't think this is an appropriate way to refer to your husband's daughter. Whatever the ins and outs of the previous marriage and affair she has suffered at the hands of the adults involved.

You don't need to give me a lecture, my parents separated when I was 14.

So I know very well what it means. At 15 she could see well enough that the marriage wasn't happy - if it was as the OP say. And that love for another woman doesn't mean he doesn't love his daughter.

And then to say that she will speak to him if he dumps his new wife/girlfriend?

Spoilt little brat. I think at that she showed her real colours.

Just because he doesn't live in the same house doesn't mean he left the daughter - obviously we weren't there, but from what the OP says he wanted to keep contact with his daughter. The situation would be different if he just did a runner and turn his back on her, but it doesn't seem like it.

ecgirl07

kimmi_b wrote: »

If she isn't willing to sit down and calmly discuss her reasons for ceasing contact, or negotiate future contact then I would leave her to it. A card and gift voucher and letter explaining how he feels would be more than reasonable. Though I'd be seriously tempted to turn up on her doorstep and try and sort this before the wedding. Because it might not be long before grandchildren are on the way and I imagine your OH wouldn't want to miss out on those.

That was harsh - the daughters father walked out on her at 15 to take up with another woman. No matter which you slice it its a betrayal and cowardly because if he was that unhappy he could have ended the marriage then started a new relationship. He cheated on his kids and it takes a lot to get over that. Having been there and bought the tshirt 20 years later i still would not have my dad at my wedding and i reckon im mature enough to make this decision.

To the OP send a nice card but im not sure about the cheque i suspect it wont be cashed and your husband would have to deal with that rejection. Vouchers might be better as he would never know...

kimmi_b

Threebabes wrote: »

Really, we only know what the poster has put down. The poster comments that her husband left the family for her. The DD was left with whatever devastation this caused to the family while the dad went off with another woman. My parents split when I was 16 and along with coping with raging hormones and becoming an adult to think she also had to deal with her dad going off with another woman, you dont know whats been going through her head.
QUOTE]

Which is why I made a comment based on what the OP put down, not what I don't know. OP's OH left unhappy marriage for her - not nice but it does happen. OP's OH has tried unsuccesfully to maintain contact with his child(ren) - great, not all people leaving a marriage would bother. OP's OH's daughter has refused contact - her right admittedly, but she is going about it in a hurtful manner (sending emails telling her father to dump his GF indicating she is dropping the family surname).

Fair play to the guy for keeping up his efforts to maintain contact, and applause to the OP for encouraging that. I'd have given my right arm for my father to have wanted contact with me when I was growing up which is probably why I have come across all :mad: towards the daughter. Apologies if I have caused offence OP

ecgirl07

Any wrote: »

You don't need to give me a lecture, my parents separated when I was 14.

So I know very well what it means. At 15 she could see well enough that the marriage wasn't happy - if it was as the OP say. And that love for another woman doesn't mean he doesn't love his daughter.

And then to say that she will speak to him if he dumps his new wife/girlfriend?

Spoilt little brat. I think at that she showed her real colours.

Just because he doesn't live in the same house doesn't mean he left the daughter - obviously we weren't there, but from what the OP says he wanted to keep contact with his daughter. The situation would be different if he just did a runner and turn his back on her, but it doesn't seem like it.

Did your parents separate because one of them cheated?

Any

ecgirl07 wrote: »

That was harsh - the daughters father walked out on her at 15 to take up with another woman. No matter which you slice it its a betrayal and cowardly because if he was that unhappy he could have ended the marriage then started a new relationship. He cheated on his kids and it takes a lot to get over that. Having been there and bought the tshirt 20 years later i still would not have my dad at my wedding and i reckon im mature enough to make this decision.

To the OP send a nice card but im not sure about the cheque i suspect it wont be cashed and your husband would have to deal with that rejection. Vouchers might be better as he would never know...

Oh god, that is sooo mellodramatic...
Cheating on the children....

The dad has a right to happiness as well. Sometimes shi* just happens. The whole world doesn't evolve around one person.

Which is what the daughter seems to think..

Any

ecgirl07 wrote: »

Did your parents separate because one of them cheated?

Yep... For years.

Divorce was much better then staying together for the sake of the kids-it's ust phrase. They were never suited to each other and family life was much better after.

red_devil

i wouldnt send any money but maybe a card and a message and leave the ball in her court?

Its her loss as well if she dosent bother?