Wedding Issue

Scoflo

Spending the money is not the issue, it's doing the right thing.

My husband left his family and unhappy marriage for me 10 years ago. His only daughter was 15 at the time and has refused to have any contact with him. She gets married in 3 weeks and we are a bit torn about about to do. My OH has tried to maintain some contact but the best that can be managed is a card at Christmas & birthdays. Initially he contributed towards Christmas (there are 3 kids) and on her 16th birthday he gifted £100 for an outfit. The plan was they would spend the day shopping for it but she refused and just wanted the money. No other money (apart from maintenance) ever went down the road towards her.

My Oh has no invitation to the wedding, as expected, but what to do? He would have loved to contribute towards the wedding but by not inviting him it wasn't an option. Sending just a card feels a bit tight but I am loathe to throw good money after bad.

I am really interested to hear what other people think as time is marching on. Thanks

floss2

Personally if my OH's daughter had not invited her dad to her wedding I would send her a card with a £100 M&S voucher and a note to say "hope you had a lovely day" and forget about her.

Scoflo

Thanks Floss. That feels right. I don't want to be seen as mean but..........

Imp

I believe weddings are public affairs, so he could potentially be present for the ceremony, sat at the back, quiet and not make a fuss. I'd probably also send a card, with a message about how he feels (as long as it is positive throughout) in it.

JaneRN

I wouldn't know what to advise for the best. Do they have any contact at all? If not is that because of her or your husband? Without knowing all the facts my thought would be for your husband to write to her and leave the ball in her court. Saying something along the lines that although he would love to be there he accepts the fact that she has decided she doesn't. He could explain that he wants to make some contribution but is unsure how to do this and if it would be welcome. I would ask for her to reply with how he can best do this.
At face value it seems she has no wish to mainatin any relationship with him and this maybe because of her own feelings or because of loyalty to her mother.

Scoflo

Imp wrote: »

I believe weddings are public affairs, so he could potentially be present for the ceremony, sat at the back, quiet and not make a fuss. I'd probably also send a card, with a message about how he feels (as long as it is positive throughout) in it.

it's being held in a hotel

Scoflo

JaneRN wrote: »

I wouldn't know what to advise for the best. Do they have any contact at all? If not is that because of her or your husband? Without knowing all the facts my thought would be for your husband to write to her and leave the ball in her court. Saying something along the lines that although he would love to be there he accepts the fact that she has decided she doesn't. He could explain that he wants to make some contribution but is unsure how to do this and if it would be welcome. I would ask for her to reply with how he can best do this.
At face value it seems she has no wish to mainatin any relationship with him and this maybe because of her own feelings or because of loyalty to her mother.

There is no contact at all from her. She ignored him at G Grannies funeral in March. I agree with what you say but feel the time for contribution has passed but a short note in a card saying how he feels and making a gift feels ok.

I am told she and her Dad were very close and she constantly argued with Mum. He is heartbroken about the breakdown in their relationship and in fact wept when he returned from GG funeral. Beer, high emotion and her name are not a good mix. He is very close to my eldest daughter and we are having a weekend away the time of the wedding. I am expecting it to be very emotional.

I beleive that in order for her to accept there is goodness in her Dad she would have to accept there is also some badness in her Mum and she isn't yet able to do that. Her Mum has remarried also and all his family are travelling for the wedding.

Any

If she refuses to have a contact there is not much you can do.
She was 15 at the time, she was nearly an adult and she made her choice. Obviously she is still keeping the grudge, at 25.

If your husband does want to keep the door opened in a hope one day she might change her mind, stick £100 M&S as suggested in a card. Maybe even just watch outside the church her walking out, but do not make a contact.

If he doesn't, then just forget it.

tasha-debt

I would send vouchers for Next/M&S and in the card I would ask your husband include a her a letter saying that he loves her and misses her and that he would love for them to re-connect. Also to say that you hope she has a lovely wedding day etc. She may once receiving the letter call him or something??? If not then I would say that she has decided that she does not want a relationship with him, but I would still send her a bithday/Xmas card every year , including any change of address she has as she could change her mind in the future.

x

JaneRN

RE; sending vouchers

I think I'd be inclined to send a cheque then she would have to cash it and he would know that it was "accepted" by her. Just a thought??

graemecarter

Imp wrote: »

I believe weddings are public affairs, so he could potentially be present for the ceremony, sat at the back, quiet and not make a fuss. I'd probably also send a card, with a message about how he feels (as long as it is positive throughout) in it.

I would NEVER do that - it is her day, and while it is a massive shame that he will have no part of it, he HAS to respect her decision.
If he turned up and she saw him, it could ruin her day.

I think a hand-written card with £100 of M&S vouchers is perfect.
But do STAY AWAY