Wedding Issue

SandC

I agree with sending card and vouchers and leaving it at that.

OP my friend's dad did something similar and I recall she was about 19. I think she was around 31/32 when she started to let her dad back into her life - she had already been married since her early twenties and her husband had never met her dad etc. She cut all contact with him after he left her mum (well got found out cheating and had to) for the 'other woman'. There was no real trigger as to why she decided to get back in touch but just so you know it can and does happen.

Her mum met someone else in time but in my friend's words 'never really got over him'. There is also a sense of loyalty to the other parent even if they are happy for the relationship between father/daughter to continue. For her it was a personal thing and it took many years for her to open up her life back to him.

Person_one

nickyhutch wrote: »

I wouldn't call you a friend if your friendship was dependant on whether you liked my boyfriend. Very supportive.

I did not stop being her friend, I was there for her when the horrible relationship ended, I was just not willing to put myself in a position where I was being treated the way her boyfriend was treating me which meant I couldn't see her for a while. We are still very close.

This thread isn't about me anyway, I was just trying to illustrate a point which may have been the daughter's way of thinking.

paddy's_mum

I think that post number 61 by Primrose is the best way to handle this. The gently put request for a wedding photo is going to be the clincher. If she doesn't send one, but accepts the vouchers, then Dad is going to know exactly what is going on in her heart.

I just hope that her father is still alive when she, in her turn, makes catastrophic mistakes in her own life and has to live with the consequences. I can only hope that she would have the insight into her own (and his) 'human-ness' and the decency to contact him and ask his forgiveness. At 25, she is surely old enough to bring a bit of maturity to her thinking and ten years is a very long time to keep punishing someone. I shudder to think what sort of social worker she will make if she actively believes that human beings mustn't cokc-up, nor make mistakes, nor hurt others ... and that there is no such concept as forgiveness.

In her career, she is going to see a great many situations where some bloke has shoved off leaving wife and children in desperate straits. Perhaps it will one day occur to her that her own father deserves some credit for the good things he did - perhaps she'll be as passionate about appreciating him as she has been in despising him all this time!

OP - I realise that your husband is hurting but it may be contact would throw up a great deal of trouble for you all since I cannot understand how this daughter was able to subjugate her love so easily. It rather suggests that she is a petulant little princess who would have benfitted greatly from having her backside kicked! Hope it works out for you all.

nickyhutch

Person_one wrote: »

I did not stop being her friend, I was there for her when the horrible relationship ended, I was just not willing to put myself in a position where I was being treated the way her boyfriend was treating me which meant I couldn't see her for a while. We are still very close.

This thread isn't about me anyway, I was just trying to illustrate a point which may have been the daughter's way of thinking.

Fair enough, but you didn't explain that in your post originally, so it is a bit different.

Bubby

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I shudder to think what sort of social worker she will make if she actively believes that human beings mustn't cokc-up, nor make mistakes, nor hurt others ... and that there is no such concept as forgiveness.

QUOTE]

Me too. We certainly don't need any more bad social workers:(

maisiescamp

I think that sending her gift vouchers or a cheque with a card is a nice idea. But I think he should think carefully about what he writes in the card and should write more than 'Happy Wedding Day' kind of thing.

My Parents split badly when I was 13, I have had no contact with my dad since apart from he has sent me the occasional Christmas/Birthday card. I was always dissapointed that he only ever wrote 'Happy Birthday' etc rather than something more meaningful and that still stands 15 years on!

esmerelda98

maisiescamp wrote: »

I think that sending her gift vouchers or a cheque with a card is a nice idea. But I think he should think carefully about what he writes in the card and should write more than 'Happy Wedding Day' kind of thing.

My Parents split badly when I was 13, I have had no contact with my dad since apart from he has sent me the occasional Christmas/Birthday card. I was always dissapointed that he only ever wrote 'Happy Birthday' etc rather than something more meaningful and that still stands 15 years on!

I had been thinking it a little odd that suggestions for the message in the card go along those. Everyone wants a lovely wedding day, but as long as the marriage is a good one, I think the wedding day itself is fairly immaterial. Well, maybe not to some people, but I think we would all agree that the most important thing is the marriage. So I would focus on that in the message. Wishing her happiness in her marriage, something along those lines, would perhaps also make her consider the fact that unfortunately, not all married people are happy, and perhaps help her be more forgiving.

Nixer

Person_one wrote: »

I understand the phrase as meaning "Throwing good money after something bad", the something bad being the daughter. Maybe we understand the phrase differently.

Sorry to hark back a bit but "throwing good money after bad" IMO means throwing good money after bad money i.e. one lot of money is already wasted and the person is teetering on the brink of spending more money on the same thing that the first lot of money was wasted on. The thing that the money was spent on isn't necessarily bad in itself. I have never heard it used in the way that you describe.

On the original problem, I agree with the suggestion that the husband keep the door open if he wants (but not go to the wedding as that would be pretty rude without an invite), but it does rather look as if she doesn't want a relationship with him.

Person_one

Nixer wrote: »

Sorry to hark back a bit but "throwing good money after bad" IMO means throwing good money after bad money i.e. one lot of money is already wasted and the person is teetering on the brink of spending more money on the same thing that the first lot of money was wasted on. The thing that the money was spent on isn't necessarily bad in itself. I have never heard it used in the way that you describe.

On the original problem, I agree with the suggestion that the husband keep the door open if he wants (but not go to the wedding as that would be pretty rude without an invite), but it does rather look as if she doesn't want a relationship with him.

Looks like we're both right!

http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/throw+good+money+after+bad

shellsuit

red_devil wrote: »

anyone worth their salt does not try and control their father like that?

I hope he chooses his new partner over her. Silly girl and i hope it comes back to bite her on the bum if she gets divorced?

You are wicked. This was a 15 year old girl, who was probably studying and/taking exams, when her Father walked out for somebody else.

Anyone worth their salt wouldn't cheat on his wife and anyone worth their salt wouldn't get involved with a married man!


I don't think this wedding lark has anything to do with the OP at all.

If the daughter wants her Father there, then I'm sure she would get in touch with him.

If Father wants to do something, then I'm sure a card would suffice.