Wedding Issue

grey_lady

I think that people here are all to willing to take the fathers side in this, we don't know what really happened in their unhappy marriage but it must have been fairly traumatic for the daughter for her to want no contact with him, supposing there was violence or abuse and that's why she wants nothing to do with him? Just saying that there are two sides to every fall out. I know the op said that they were close before the divorce but that's not actually come from the daughter and may not be how she saw their relationship.

coolcait

scottishflower2000 wrote: »

Spending the money is not the issue, it's doing the right thing.

My husband left his family and unhappy marriage for me 10 years ago. His only daughter was 15 at the time and has refused to have any contact with him. She gets married in 3 weeks and we are a bit torn about about to do. My OH has tried to maintain some contact but the best that can be managed is a card at Christmas & birthdays. Initially he contributed towards Christmas (there are 3 kids) and on her 16th birthday he gifted £100 for an outfit. The plan was they would spend the day shopping for it but she refused and just wanted the money. No other money (apart from maintenance) ever went down the road towards her.

My Oh has no invitation to the wedding, as expected, but what to do? He would have loved to contribute towards the wedding but by not inviting him it wasn't an option. Sending just a card feels a bit tight but I am loathe to throw good money after bad.

I am really interested to hear what other people think as time is marching on. Thanks

Getting back to the actual contents of the original post.

If the daughter has only been interested in getting money from her father, she has been spectacularly unsuccessful.

Her father contributed towards Christmas initially (when did the contribution peter out?).

He gave her £100 for her 16th birthday, the year after he had "left his family and unhappy marriage" for the OP.

Although the OP says that this money was 'gifted' to the daughter, it actually came with strings attached - that the father would spend the day shopping with the daughter.

Thereafter, the OP tells us, "no other money (apart from maintenance) ever went down the road towards her".

So, the daughter isn't much of a gold digger, as she hasn't managed to get much money out of her father (I consider maintenance something which an absent parent should pay no matter what the family relationships).

The fact that the father put conditions on the 16th birthday 'gift' might have looked like him trying to buy her back, since she had refused to have any contact with him since he left his family. He won't have helped dispel that impression by making sure that "No other money (apart from maintenance) ever went down the road towards her".

It also makes me wonder where the idea of "throw good money after bad" even came from, as the father hasn't actually been giving the daughter any money since her 16th birthday...?

Why is "the best that can be managed is a card at Christmas & birthdays"? Why can't your OH write to her every month - even if it's just a brief note? If you can blithely write that your OH "left his family", and put that before his allegedly "unhappy marriage", it shouldn't come as any surprise that a fifteen year old girl, who had been close to her father, should feel that she has been 'left'.

Within the side debate which has been going on about whether or not the daughter should have felt this way, someone wrote (about friends) "If they chose a person I don't like they most likely weren't who I thought they were in the first place". Ironically, this was written by someone who was not supportive of the daughter's stance. Yet it hits on one of the reasons why people are so devastated by affairs/a parent or spouse leaving them - the realisation that the individual who was unfaithful/left them wasn't "who I thought they were in the first place".

If the OP's DH would have loved to contribute to the wedding, why didn't he? If he was only going to contribute if he got an invitation, then he hasn't really moved on from where he was when he said he'd give his daughter £100 for her 16th birthday, on the condition that he was allowed to be there. And that he wouldn't give her anything else if he didn't get his own way.

I'm not seeing any real will from your OH to work at building and maintaining a relationship, based on what you say. He has only managed to send a card at Christmas and birthdays. But he got tearful over the fact that his daughter ignored him, in public, at a family funeral.

Does he really want a relationship, or is he just worried about how he looks to other people? There seems to be a great debate about what he should do now the daughter's getting married - a family gathering. You've told us how he reacted when his daughter ignored him at a family funeral - so that appears to have hit a nerve.

If he truly wants to build a relationship with his daughter, then I would suggest that he puts in a bit more effort than a card twice a year. Maybe he should try writing letters - a genuine and heartfelt letter to her after she gets married might be a start. Not a mass-produced card.

The letter could include an offer to buy her and her new husband a gift of their choice - give a father of the bride type budget by all means, rather than unlimited choice - but without any strings attached. No conditions that he chooses the gift with them. No request to come and see them. Just his reasons, as a father, for wanting to give his daughter an unconditional gift.

Don't send impersonal vouchers. Or a cheque so that you know whether or not she has cashed it. That's not about rebuilding a relationship, IMO - that's about being able to say to yourself, and everone else - "Well, I tried! I sent her a cheque for £xxx and she didn't even cash it! What more can I do?"

Your OH has to decide whether he wants to be a genuine part of his daughter's life, or whether he wants to be acknowledged by her at family events and in public generally.

If it's truly a need to be part of her life - even when he's calm and sober ("Beer, high emotion and her name are not a good mix"), then he may have to accept that the first step is allowing her to have her wedding day without any input from him. Not even a card, with or without vouchers. She has made it quite clear that she doesn't want him there, in any way.

Once the day has passed, your OH can start trying to rebuild bridges if he wants to. If he would have liked to contribute to the wedding so much, and the idea of sending a cheque appealed, then why doesn't he send a cheque for the amount he would have paid towards the wedding?

That would clearly demonstrate that it's not about the money, it's about doing the right thing. It takes away any perceived implication that your OH would only pay if he got an invitation.

If you and your OH are only worried about how it looks if you're not invited, or if you only send a card (which you worry "feels a bit cheap") then do nothing. Why risk ruining the daughter's day just so that you and your OH feel you've "done the right thing" and don't feel, or look, "cheap"?

Fang_3

Putting aside the fact that the father left his wife for another woman. That's obviously not brilliant, but everyone is entitled to their happiness and shouldn't be forced to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids. He didn't cheat on his children, he cheated on his wife.

But, why in hell did he not fight for contact? Follow every avenue available and make damn well sure that he stayed in contact with his children so they didn't think that he'd abandoned them for the OP? By giving her money for her birthday, just a few months after he disappeared, and then demanding that she spent the day with him, if just not on. To her it will seem like he is trying to buy her back, and saying, if you want anything, then you have to spend time with me. That is disgusting and I'm not surprised that she doesn't want him at her wedding day, he hardly sounds like a decent father. And OP you should butt out. You've hurt this girl enough.

mountainofdebt

I'm just wondering if the daughter feels that by having her father at the wedding, it will allow him to play the part of the father of the bride....a role that she, at least, perceives should go to someone else in her life?

Also is there not a chance that the father wasn't invited, even as a normal guest, as there was the realistic possibility there would be a request (perhaps perceived as a demand?) that the OP was invited as well ? I know when I got married I warned everyone that if the other woman was even at the back of the church, I would be walking out.......hell would freeze over before I got married with her in the congreation.

Personally I think cool's suggestion is the best.

supermezzo

There is also the potential issue that the daughter doesn't want to upset or hurt her Mother by inviting the OP's husband to the wedding.
There will be, due entirely to family upsets and betrayals, 8 of us at our wedding and tbh, I'd sooner concenrate on the day and service itself, than worrying about whether such and such was upsetting someone else and maybe the daughter feels the same way.

ViolaLass

mountainofdebt wrote: »

I'm just wondering if the daughter feels that by having her father at the wedding, it will allow him to play the part of the father of the bride....a role that she, at least, perceives should go to someone else in her life?

My father didn't walk out on our family but I have a very strained relationship with him for other reasons. He was invited to my wedding but for the reasons given above, he didn't walk me down the aisle or give a speech. I felt he didn't deserve it.

After the wedding, he sent a nice but formal thank you note for the day and a cheque. Both were very welcome and unexpected and I replied to thank him

BUT we haven't spoken since. He initiates no contact and has very rarely reacted when I've tried to initiate it with him. If he had written me the letter that some posters have suggested, it would mean the world to me. His money helps me but I would much rather he engaged with me emotionally.

Sure, the father in the OP could send a cheque - but don't do it 'so that I know it's been cashed'. Just reach out to her. Stop thinking about your 'rightful' place in the wedding or how nice it would be to be there or how you wish she would treat you. Just reach out to her with no agenda and tell her how you feel.

I wish my father would. As it is, he's risking never seeing the grandchildren that we hope to have soon, which I think will sadden him but there's only so many times I'm prepared to hurt myself by reaching out to him and getting no reaction.

The father in the OP has lost so much already but there is much more yet that could be lost or regained.

ecgirl07

coolcait wrote: »

Getting back to the actual contents of the original post.

If he truly wants to build a relationship with his daughter, then I would suggest that he puts in a bit more effort than a card twice a year. Maybe he should try writing letters - a genuine and heartfelt letter to her after she gets married might be a start. Not a mass-produced card.

Excellent post coolcait you put it so very much more eloquently than i did. Some posters dont understand that the feeling that the dad cheated on the family unit and not just the mum, yes he is entitled to his happiness but not at the cost of cheating. He could have left his marriage citing unhappiness and incompatibility and then started a new life, that way the feeling of betrayal and disappointment would be lessened by all involved.

Bubby

Fang wrote: »

I'm not surprised that she doesn't want him at her wedding day, he hardly sounds like a decent father. I agree

And OP you should butt out. You've hurt this girl enough.

The last part about the OP is completely uncalled for and to be frank quite childish namecalling at best

Lexxi

Person_one wrote: »

It is NEVER the fault of the cheated on partner if somebody cheats.

Even if the relationship is bad, they should leave first, tie up the loose ends and THEN start thinking about a new relationship.

Life isn't that black and white and love certainly isn't

I think maybe send the daughter a letter as other posters have mentioned wishing her happiness in the marriage and on the day and sign it from both of you, you're part of her fathers life whether she likes it or not. I think asking for a picture is a good idea too.
OHs daughter hadn't spoken to him for a few years and she has missed out on a lot but she has come round, in her own time. Her parents were seperated long before we got together and the no contact didn't go on for as long

Lilacblue

Coolcait, that was a brilliant and eloquent post :T