Wedding Issue

tasha-debt

graemecarter wrote: »

I would NEVER do that - it is her day, and while it is a massive shame that he will have no part of it, he HAS to respect her decision.
If he turned up and she saw him, it could ruin her day.

I think a hand-written card with £100 of M&S vouchers is perfect.
But do STAY AWAY

I agree only go if she invites you, if you turn up unannouced it would put a stop to them ever re-connecting.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

kimmi_b

I'm probably going to leave myself wide open for flaming here but here goes....

25 years old and still bearing a grudge to the point that she can't even give him a hug at his own grandmothers funeral? I'm inclined to think the little madam isn't mature enough to be embarking on a marriage.

If she isn't willing to sit down and calmly discuss her reasons for ceasing contact, or negotiate future contact then I would leave her to it. A card and gift voucher and letter explaining how he feels would be more than reasonable. Though I'd be seriously tempted to turn up on her doorstep and try and sort this before the wedding. Because it might not be long before grandchildren are on the way and I imagine your OH wouldn't want to miss out on those.

If she still refuses contact, nothing more you can do except live your life and make the best of what you have got.

belfastgirl23

I agree, a card and a voucher would be appropriate. And he should definitely not turn up to the wedding or to watch or anything else, if he does he risks a permanent rupture in their relationship. however I do think he needs to write to her and say he will be thinking of her that day but is respecting her wishes and staying away, just so she is clear what is happening. Otherwise either you get into her worrying about what to do if he does turn up (needlessly if he isn't going to) or being sort of upset underneath if he doesn't. I have heard of a wedding lately where one guest had the sole responsiblity of ushering out the FOTB if he turned up. And the doors were locked once everyone was inside. Not saying at all that your DH would do this but it shows how deep things can go.

To be honest though I think Kimmi is being a bit harsh on her here. Having had a similar situation in my own life I know it took me till well later than 25 to resolve some of the issues. And there are some I'm not sure are resolved yet. She is obviously still finding it hard and I'd urge you to be kind about this if you can find it in your heart. It must also be heartbreaking for her to feel she can't have her dad their on her special day, whatever the reason. And this is how she must feel.

Scoflo

JaneRN wrote: »

RE; sending vouchers

I think I'd be inclined to send a cheque then she would have to cash it and he would know that it was "accepted" by her. Just a thought??

Just phoned OH and we have agreed on a cheque, good idea. (It's his name only so no sore points.)

Scoflo

graemecarter wrote: »

I would NEVER do that - it is her day, and while it is a massive shame that he will have no part of it, he HAS to respect her decision.
If he turned up and she saw him, it could ruin her day.

I think a hand-written card with £100 of M&S vouchers is perfect.
But do STAY AWAY

We will, lol. We will be hundreds of miles away in our caravan.

Scoflo

kimmi_b wrote: »

I'm probably going to leave myself wide open for flaming here but here goes....

25 years old and still bearing a grudge to the point that she can't even give him a hug at his own grandmothers funeral? I'm inclined to think the little madam isn't mature enough to be embarking on a marriage.

If she isn't willing to sit down and calmly discuss her reasons for ceasing contact, or negotiate future contact then I would leave her to it. A card and gift voucher and letter explaining how he feels would be more than reasonable. Though I'd be seriously tempted to turn up on her doorstep and try and sort this before the wedding. Because it might not be long before grandchildren are on the way and I imagine your OH wouldn't want to miss out on those.

If she still refuses contact, nothing more you can do except live your life and make the best of what you have got.

Sorry, OH did get an email about 5 years ago offering contact if he dumped me. We didn't acknowledge it but when MIL was being a pain I told her the email address it was sent from was called "daughtersname_I'll never be a surname" I told her Granny as she just throws money at them and pretends everything is ok. It's hard to always take the high ground.

Grandchildren will be a heart sore thought. She has recently qualified (as a social worker?) so perhaps they won't be on the horizon for a while.

Person_one

Any wrote: »

If she refuses to have a contact there is not much you can do.
She was 15 at the time, she was nearly an adult and she made her choice. Obviously she is still keeping the grudge, at 25.

If your husband does want to keep the door opened in a hope one day she might change her mind, stick £100 M&S as suggested in a card. Maybe even just watch outside the church her walking out, but do not make a contact.

If he doesn't, then just forget it.

Maybe 15 is nearly an adult, but its a terrible age to have to deal with your parents separating, 5 would have been easier. The fact that her dad left for another woman will have been incredibly difficult and she will still feel loyal and defensive for her mum's sake. The fact that your husband is close to your children and essentially has a new family will only make it harder.

These are not easy emotions to deal with, even ten years on and even at 25. I don't think we should be criticising the daughter here. She doesn't have to invite her dad to her wedding and if she feels that the relationship was irretrievably damaged by what was done when she was 15, its understandable. She essentially lost the dad she thought she had that day.

To the OP, I would send a card and include a letter stating that you love her and if she ever wants to try and form a new relationship your door is open. Send a gift (it doesn't have to be cash but I would make it something of value to show that you place importance on her wedding) and wait and see. She may call after the honeymoon, she may call in ten years, she may never call but you should be prepared to welcome her with open arms if she ever does.

Oh, and in your OP you refer to 'throwing good money after bad', I don't think this is an appropriate way to refer to your husband's daughter. Whatever the ins and outs of the previous marriage and affair she has suffered at the hands of the adults involved.

Scoflo

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

To be honest though I think Kimmi is being a bit harsh on her here. Having had a similar situation in my own life I know it took me till well later than 25 to resolve some of the issues. And there are some I'm not sure are resolved yet. She is obviously still finding it hard and I'd urge you to be kind about this if you can find it in your heart. It must also be heartbreaking for her to feel she can't have her dad their on her special day, whatever the reason. And this is how she must feel.

Thanks, your heart is bigger than mine.

Scoflo

Person_one wrote: »

Oh, and in your OP you refer to 'throwing good money after bad', I don't think this is an appropriate way to refer to your husband's daughter. Whatever the ins and outs of the previous marriage and affair she has suffered at the hands of the adults involved.

It was a reference to the money, not to the daughter. Money is all we have been able to offer as contact was refused. Maintenance was paid for all 3 until the youngest was in work, not stopping when each was 19 as normal to ensure they never went short.

In the marriage money was a huge bone of contention due to it being spent faster than being earned on bingo, clothes and nights out whilst the mortgage & car payments bounced. Each were as bad as the other with no reposnsibility being taken for management, just rowing when there was none left.

Threebabes

kimmi_b wrote: »

I'm probably going to leave myself wide open for flaming here but here goes....

25 years old and still bearing a grudge to the point that she can't even give him a hug at his own grandmothers funeral? I'm inclined to think the little madam isn't mature enough to be embarking on a marriage.

If she isn't willing to sit down and calmly discuss her reasons for ceasing contact, or negotiate future contact then I would leave her to it. A card and gift voucher and letter explaining how he feels would be more than reasonable. Though I'd be seriously tempted to turn up on her doorstep and try and sort this before the wedding. Because it might not be long before grandchildren are on the way and I imagine your OH wouldn't want to miss out on those.

If she still refuses contact, nothing more you can do except live your life and make the best of what you have got.

Really, we only know what the poster has put down. The poster comments that her husband left the family for her. The DD was left with whatever devastation this caused to the family while the dad went off with another woman. My parents split when I was 16 and along with coping with raging hormones and becoming an adult to think she also had to deal with her dad going off with another woman, you dont know whats been going through her head.

I would send a card with her dads love and how much he misses her etc. I would send a cheque. Does your husband see any of his other kids?