How much housework does your OH do?

ninky_2

ViolaLass wrote: »

The solution we currently have to this, after much discussion, is that at the beginning of the week, I will tell him what I would like him to get done during the week e.g. hoover the floors, sweep kitchen floor and change the bed or whatever. It's rather changeable at the moment as we keep moving house but when we stay put he will have a fixed list each week. He then knows what he has to get done but can do it his way and when he wants. In return, I know that it will be done by the following Sunday, even if at the last moment and promise not to nag about it unless it doesn't happen in time.

you see i still think this is a problem. surely you should both decide which jobs need doing and then share them out between you. there might be jobs you prefer to others and other jobs that neither of like at all. the mindset that needs to change is seeing the housework as the woman's job in the first place. it should be the job of all adult members of the household.

ViolaLass

Deciding between us what jobs need doing is a lovely idea but in practice, in my relationship (not commenting on any others), it just doesn't work. OH just doesn't see what needs doing but he does notice that things are nicer when certain tasks have been done. To be fair to him, he also feels that some jobs need to be done more often than I do, so we will compromise on that too.

Also, we do negotiate e.g. he hates doing the bins so will swap it for cleaning the bathroom or whatever.

It's not that he sees housework as being my job and not his, it's that he's not in the habit of thinking about what needs doing on a daily basis. Sure, I would love it if that changed, but I don't see the problem with one person organising what needs doing provided both parties are happy with how the work is shared. If we were to buy a car, for example, he would be in charge of that as he knows a lot more about them than I do. It's about playing to your strengths but still working together.

ninky_2

ViolaLass wrote: »

I don't see the problem with one person organising what needs doing provided both parties are happy with how the work is shared. .

i agree. sorry, i was under the impression that you weren't happy but making the best of how things were.

to my mind if you ask things like 'what's for dinner tonight?' or 'who's going to clean the bathroom this week?' or 'do you think the kitchen needs cleaning at the moment? / shall we do it together', then you immediately pass some responsiblity over. what do you think your partner would answer to any of those questions?

sara86pink

My OH isnt good at housework at all!!

This is our first place together and before he lived in my room in my houseshare and because we had little space the room was constantly a tip so I'm hoping he doesnt see this as an ongoing trend!!

Last night I almost flipped out. He has been off work since last Thursday (days off and then caught an ear infection so was poorly) was going to go back to work yesterday but still felt slightly 'out of it' so i suggested staying in and he said he would look after the flat.

Came home after 10 hours at work to find that he had gone out with his mates on their bikes for a bike show thing, leaving loads of washing up and clothes in washing machine. I felt really stroppy then got a text from him telling me to check my emails and during the day he emailed me saying how much he loved me which made me happier so I let him off.

When he got in though I did have words (I ended up doing all the work) and as we have people over Friday night for dinner he has agreed to help me do a nice proper clean of the flat tonight and tomorrow night after work.

Watch this space lol!

KSB235

1sttimer wrote: »

Hi, just a general question - how much housework (indoors & outdoors) does your OH do? We both work FT (no children at home) but the housework generally gets left to me. I have to ask him to do anything and TBH I feel more like his parent than wife when I do this - especially when he pulls a face and makes remarks to make me know that he doesn't want to do them!

He admits that he does not notice any mess in the house (there is plenty - believe me!) and never thinks of washing any clothes/dishes or tidying stuff away. If I wash something, unless I have specifically asked him to hang them out, he will leave them in the machine all day. He makes 1 meal a week and rarely plans what we're having till it's time to eat then uses what ever I have in the fridge/freezer (that I've planned meals for) and then leaves the table/work top in a mess.

This is just one example of what he is like and it brought it home to me how little he does. He was having a bath Saturday afternoon and I had gone out shopping and forgot to ask him to clean the bathroom out afterwards. When I told him this, he said 'Well thanks for that - I'm glad you forgot'. I let him know on no uncertain terms that that wasn't what he should have said! I asked him how much he actually did in the house - and an inevitable argument occurred! Then on Sunday morning whilst I was at church, he vac'd the house out - except I had already done it all on Friday evening - but still didn't clean the bathroom! He thought it was because I didn't like doing it, and he said he didn't want to do it either! It was because I was busy!

I don't want to sound like a nagging wife, but need to sort it out to make it fairer - so how do you share it all out? I've tried to do this in the past - but he often 'forgets' to do it and when there's a pile to do, I will eventually do it to get it done! I don't really want to go back in time and do a wall chart like the children had as we are fully functioning adults (supposedly!) but would like to have some plan of action.

Thanks for your input.

Oh my gosh you have just described my life!! My bf does hardly anything around the house (we both work ft) but if i ask him to do something (and why should i have to ask?) he makes it clear he doesn't want to do it. And then says that i make him feel guilty and like he doesn't do anything....erm he doesn't!! It is one of the only things we argue about and its been going on for years now and i don't know how to get out of the rut. I too thought about listing what we each do so he can see how little he actually does, or making a list of everything that needs doing wallchart style but like you say we are meant to be adults......I'll read the rest of the thread in a bit with interest but I feel so strongly about this i couldn't just read and run

ViolaLass

ninky wrote: »

i agree. sorry, i was under the impression that you weren't happy but making the best of how things were.

to my mind if you ask things like 'what's for dinner tonight?' or 'who's going to clean the bathroom this week?' or 'do you think the kitchen needs cleaning at the moment? / shall we do it together', then you immediately pass some responsiblity over. what do you think your partner would answer to any of those questions?

It's fair that you thought that, it's certainly a situation that we struggled with for some time because I couldn't work out how best to approach (and I'm not generally very patient, which doesn't help). However, the approach I now use seems to make us both happier (I appreciate it may have come across bossier than intended).

In response to your question, OH would probably try to work out whether it was reasonably his turn - I think when he is prompted to think about these things, he is generally fair, it's just that they (and plenty of other things) slip his mind very easily whereas I can hold onto entire to-do lists, his and mine, with ease. To be honest, though, I've never phrased it quite the way you suggest and it's perhaps a good idea to try. Recently I've just produced a list and said "which ones do you want to do? Which ones do you want me to do?" and we negotiate but your wording may be more helpful, thank you. The written list is useful though as he just can't hold a mental list in his head.

The difficulty I had is that I came from a family where my mother did all the housework and my father never did any, was never asked to and wouldn't have if you'd asked (I tried when mum moved out). Men were not expected to do these things in his family. I was always determined that I wouldn't put up with that but never had a role model of how to achieve what I wanted.

LameWolf

Mine does a lot of the housework; probably a lot more than 50%, if I'm honest. I'm disabled, so we divide the tasks into what I can manage easily (which I deal with), what I can't manage (which he deals with) and what I can do with difficulty or need assistance to do (which we do together, or if I'm having a bad day, he does).

He does: hoovering, lawn-mowing, anything to do with the car, ironing (I can't lift the ironing board), changing the bedlinen (you haven't seen me trying to battle a duvet cover!:D), prepping vegetables (I'm not safe with knives, so he cuts them and leaves them in a bowl for me to do the meal later), washing up (we don't have a dishwasher), on the basis that I've made the meal so he clears up, and anything that requires a bit of strength. He will also tackle any other job if asked, even scrubbing the loo, cheerfully, and has never whinged about having to do housework.

It may help that he'd lived alone for many years when I met him, so he was used to keeping the place clean and tidy.

LOL if anything, I feel guilty that I'm not able to do more, but it seems to work OK for us.

sammyjammy

talulahbeige wrote: »

He irons, I can't bear ironing so it's ideal! He actually looks for things to iron sometimes.

Do you hire him out?

No OH for me so I do everything, or rather nobody does it.

My name is Samantha and I am a slob

LJM

my oh basically will pitch in and help with anything regardless of whether or not he has been at work all day, he understands that being at home with the kids is just as much of a job as going out to work lol but not in a bad way i love it. his job though is the lawns he mows them i dont go near his mower he enjoys doing it so i wont take that away from him. everything else though housework/cooking/laundry/shopping etc he will get stuck in and do anything that needs to be done

DON79

LJM wrote: »

my oh basically will pitch in and help with anything regardless of whether or not he has been at work all day, he understands that being at home with the kids is just as much of a job as going out to work lol

I wish i could get my husband to understand this as I will be a SAHM after this baby comes and it will be me & baby & 3 yr & 4 yr old. I wish there was an envy smiley lol!