How much housework does your OH do?

Horasio

My OH does

The top up shopping
The ironing - it looks no different when I do it
The mowing - but it takes some persuading
Vacuuming the hall and kitchen/living room/diner/stairs/study
His loo/bathroom
He gets the take away
Household admin, especially dealing with the awkward a/holes
Change the sheets
OH works from home


I do

The washing
The cooking/shopping list/meal planning
The big shops with his assistance
Vacuuming the whole house
My bathroom and loo
Dusting
Household admin
Change the sheets
Clean the kitchen
I work part time/help with the business

gratefulforhelp_2

1sttimer my husband does at least 50%. I think he is unusual, but I have trained him (in a nice way). We both work full time, earn about the same, work about the same hours. We have 2 children. His mother brought him up to do nothing, she thought it was funny that he was domestically incapable.

How have we got here? First I gave him little jobs to do, lots of praise, then over time, certain things became his to do. When I needed him to do extra I asked. Then I was pregnant and so very tired I had to get him to do more. Then the babe was being fed all the time, so he kept doing more. Then it became habit.

It has also been useful to say when he suggest doing *name of fun activity, pub, whatever* yes, but we need to get x housework task done first.
I know I sound dead patronising and bossy, but the alternative is a life of working myself to death while he does what his mother trained him to do, i.e. nothing at all round the house. eta ok for her, she had a cleaner a babysitter and a gardener and no job.

We also play to his strengths, once he starts a job he won't stop til its done, but it takes him ages to get going. So he does the "sustained" things, and I do the lots of little annoying things, 'cos I don't procrastinate so much but have a shorter attention span.

HTH.

eta men, sorry I don't mean to patronise, but this is the way it is here, I am not generalising about men as a whole.

Newly_retired

My OH does almost nothing. It is not as if he is incapable of doing things around the house. He can cook and iron. He has many DIY skills etc but he prefers to be engrossed in his work which involves a lot of desk work, computing, admin etc working from home. If I'm not here he just gets on with what needs doing. When I'm here to do it, it is the assumption that it is "womens' work" that really annoys me. I know he says that to wind me up. He will go and do anything, everything, to help his aged mother.
He also makes out that I am too critical of his efforts. There may be some truth in this, eg he does not wipe the surfaces after cooking, and I point this out sometimes. He refuses ever to work with me, when I would like another pair of hands when I'm cooking, just to reach things or clear up, but he likes to be in control, not just playing second fiddle. Men!

persian_star

Gavin83 wrote: »

As a man I find the whole 'you've trained them well' comments a little insulting. Im quite capable of doing necessary tasks myself, I don't need to be trained. My mum also used to do everything for me but I started doing the tasks by myself until she wasn't doing anything anymore.

Maybe it's an age thing and comes from a time when the women were 'expected' to do the housework, I don't know any younger men who don't do their bit.

I'm sure that there are many men who don't need 'training', but it's not about age. My hubby has just turned 30 and he's quite happy with equality and expectations, but whether it's nature or nurture, he's just not good at getting on with housework.

So please don't feel insulted, I'm sure the women who have men who are naturally good at sharing the chores are very grateful for men like you. It's just that there's still a sizeable chunk of men out there who need a bit more... encouragement

persian_star

Newly_retired wrote: »

My OH does almost nothing. It is not as if he is incapable of doing things around the house. He can cook and iron. He has many DIY skills etc but he prefers to be engrossed in his work which involves a lot of desk work, computing, admin etc working from home. If I'm not here he just gets on with what needs doing. When I'm here to do it, it is the assumption that it is "womens' work" that really annoys me. I know he says that to wind me up. He will go and do anything, everything, to help his aged mother.
He also makes out that I am too critical of his efforts. There may be some truth in this, eg he does not wipe the surfaces after cooking, and I point this out sometimes. He refuses ever to work with me, when I would like another pair of hands when I'm cooking, just to reach things or clear up, but he likes to be in control, not just playing second fiddle. Men!

Ah, if there's something else I've learnt, it's that men HATE criticism. I have to bite my tongue when he's doing something differently than I would, because I've learnt that if I criticise, he won't do it again. I just try and feel glad that he's helped and thank him for it, and the more used to helping he gets, the more likely he is to take 'some suggestions to make the job easier'

Biggest bugbear is he leaves the hot water running when he does the washing up. Haven't figured out how to persuade him that it's a waste of expensively heated water, but at least he's doing the washing up, and I am thankful

ninky_2

persian_star wrote: »

Ah, if there's something else I've learnt, it's that men HATE criticism.

women aren't too keen on it either. would you like someone judging how you do the housework (e.g. mother in law).

DON79

I had resisted posting on this thread up until now but my OH has totally upset me this morning by telling me that what I am doing is not good enough and having a total moan - he never loads the dishwasher, never does any clothes washing or helps put it away, thinks he hoovers much more than he actually does but in reality he rarely does it, he never irons, he does what he calls "dusting" rarely.

The only thing to his credit is that he does do more cooking but often he cooks far too late for it to be a good time for the kids to eat and they are either asleep, very miserable or have had to have something else to eat because they are so hungry by the time he does it that it would be cruel to make them wait any longer for food, hence they don't eat dinner by the time he puts it on the table. After he has finished cooking, the kitchen is a total mess and he doesn't wipe up after him if he spills anything, rarely cleans the cooker and uses too many pots and utensils for what he is actually making.

He doesn't even cut the grass every week and doesn't bath the dog or brush her. He cleans out the chicken coop but only because they are his hobby & he enjoys taking care of them.

I am 31 weeks pregnant with swollen feet, feeling really tired & having a cold + two toddlers to care for and he doesn't help - in the end I stopped asking him to help because it just wasn't worth it. Why should I have to ask him to help me carry the heavy loads of washing up and downstairs when it is plainly obvious I am struggling with it.

Also he he leaves disgusting bowls full of scraps for the chickens lying out in the kitchen and its really disgusting - I had to throw away the other day about six bread bags he had left stuffed in the corner by the back door which were earmarked "for the chickens". The end pieces of bread in them were completely green!

But it is ok for him to go out to the Gym without telling me where he was going this morning.

I am also fed up of doing things and he never notices what I have done, no thanks or noticing that the house looks tidy etc etc

Rant over! :mad:

persian_star

ninky wrote: »

women aren't too keen on it either. would you like someone judging how you do the housework (e.g. mother in law).

*lol* You're absolutely right. I guess my comment came from my personal perspective because I have a hubby who is prone to stubbornness in the face of logic. Luckily my mother in law is a very gentle giving woman (and lives 4000 miles away) so I've never had to face what it might be like to take 'advice' from her.

jimbms

Ok I feel I need to answer this one fully, myself and she who must be obeyed (that a big clue for you) got together 28 years ago and even though we both had jobs that had us in charge it soon became pretty clear who the dominant partner was. A year later we got married into what was a female led marriage, she took the promise to obey part out and I had it put in. Many will say it is a Dominant/submissive relationship, so be it, in all these years we have remained faithful and loving to each other and not felt the need to do stereotype things people think this type of relationship involves, being the submissive partner does not mean you have to have no balls, in fact quite the opposite.
I feel that some people wrongfully classify subversive men as weak men. Somewhere along the line, they have been wrongly told that submission in a man is weak. It is my opinion that we are the strongest of men
As a truly submissive man I am a protector, a servant, a planner, as well as a graceful reflection of my Dominant Partner. I am conscious that my appearance is reflection of her and therefore endeavour myself to always be well put together. I am a silent reflection of her strength and a supporter of her dreams and goals.
As a submissive man I act with dignity, in fact I act with the dignity of the best butler…anticipating her needs because I know her. I know she drinks a cup of tea before bed and strive to have it waiting for her when she retires. I know after a long day she will need a foot rub and at weekend a massage so I have learned to do these. I know after a bad day she want to have someone to moan and complain to without having an opinion or interruption, so I do that. I will always take her word as law and never question it and will always do as she asks.I strive to posses the best of manners, and what I mean by this goes way deeper than what the general society believes. I go shopping with her and carry her bags, I always open the door for her, I pull out her chair every time, no matter the location. I stand when she leaves the dinner table, even when we are alone. I realise that my manners are a reflection of my deep gratitude for her.
As a submissive man I am a gentleman first. I am honourable. I don’t act out in order to seek what might be an enjoyable sexual favour or punishment. In fact, a punishment is never enjoyable; it’s a failing to please my Mistress. And it’s never fun.
The fun comes not only from the deep service I provide, but also when I am alone with my Mistress and a scene evolves. She knows me well and because I am indispensible to her, she will make every fantasy I have come true. When I am ill she cares for me deeply she forbids me to do a thing, it is at those moment I know how much she appreciates me.
She values me tremendously. I am not less than her, but an extension of her. I am invaluable because even though I am submissive to her, I am not submissive to everyone. I serve her and only her (mind you we have had a little fun in that with some of her female friends occasionally as she has a little bi tendency which I am happy to indulge her with), and in that service comes a sense of joy and purpose. It also defines me as a man, a strong man, a submissive man.

Anyway that is my opinion as a Manxman, maybe some men have a more primitive chest thumping attitude but this has worked for almost 30 years for us so that alone says something.
I hope that clears something up for you ladies and you can use it to show you OH that he can be more of a man by treating you right.

ViolaLass

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this idea has been mentioned before.

My OH is not great at ongoing housework e.g. hoovering once a week rather than cleaning the house top to toe once every three months. He has a tendancy to get immersed in his work then suddenly emerge, declare everywhere a complete mess and get very upset. He also doesn't like me asking him to e.g. hoover the floor or whatever, I think because he is concerned that once he's done it, I'll be encouraged and ask him to do something else.

The solution we currently have to this, after much discussion, is that at the beginning of the week, I will tell him what I would like him to get done during the week e.g. hoover the floors, sweep kitchen floor and change the bed or whatever. It's rather changeable at the moment as we keep moving house but when we stay put he will have a fixed list each week. He then knows what he has to get done but can do it his way and when he wants. In return, I know that it will be done by the following Sunday, even if at the last moment and promise not to nag about it unless it doesn't happen in time. The list also includes what I will do that week so that he can see that it's equal and also be aware of what I contribute even if he doesn't see it happening.

When I have one-offs that need doing e.g. fixing something in the garden, I will sit him down, say that there is something I would like him to do and may I please add it to his to-do list for the week? It may sound a bit OTT but it means that he hears and takes in what I say and knows that I really would like it to happen because I've taken the time to sit down and say it. He will then make a to do list and include it.

Adhering to this and not nagging (which I /sometimes/ manage, I'm still learning!) has resulted in bonuses, like the time when he realised he had only four things to get done one weekend and asked me if I would like to add something to the fifth space on the to do list.

All that said, he recently spent two days solid fixing my computer, for which I'm quite happy to swap a bit of housework!