Affair ???

Zazen999

Voodoo - had he opened the text or was it sat there 'unopened'?

GlasweJen

I had this, found a text on ex's phone which simply said "I miss you x", I asked him about it and stupidly believed the lies he gave me to explain it away (basically said that she was dating someone else with the same first name and that she'd just sent the text to him by accident). Found out later that they'd been having an affair.

but there were other signs which I let him explain away, he gave up one of his hobbies, he never seemed to have any money even though he has a better paid job than me, he was a lot less intimite with me, he was literally glued to his phone almost 24/7, he stopped socialising with his mates, he seemed to start work at 8am and still be at work at 11pm when i called to say goodnight etc.

I know I sound like a right idiot now but he was a very good liar, he'd just been promoted, he was training for the moonwalk and his aunt has terminal cancer, I thought he was depressed and withdrawing as he did when his grandad died.

You need to look at your own relationship, up until you found that text did your husband show any signs of cheating? anything like what i've written there? It's not as obvious as coming in smelling like someone elses perfume and with lipstick on the collar.

bryanb

peachyprice wrote: »

That is a bit of a sweeping statement. Not everyone who has made one mistake progresses into a full blown affair. Of course there are those who do, but you cannot tar everyone with the same brush.

If no-one was given a second chance this board would be littered with even more broken marriages than it already is. Although if you don't think a marriage is worth working at in the first place the smallest mistake will have you running for the hills.

You are entitled to your opinion, I stand by mine.

PicnicBasket_2

The lies that you fought to believe after you discover the affair are in some ways worse than the infidelity. I honestly don't think any person should see themselves as an idiot for believing at the time though - you want to give your marriage/relationship every chance you can, especially when there are children involved. I always reckoned it was better to trust as much as possible until you have evidence that leaves you in no doubt.

That way you have done everything you can to maintain the relationship, and can't be blamed for being suspicious minded. I preferred to be thought of as naive and trusting than cynical and bitter. Once the trust was gone for me though, it was impossible to 100% believe anything he said, which was really sad and a blight on the rest of our marriage. (This happened ten years in, and we stayed together for another ten years, most of it was ok and I'm glad we did for a number of reasons, but it was never the same.)


If he has contemplated cheating on you, then it's time for an honest, frank talk about what might be salvagable (if that's what YOU want.) I would agree that you should a) get the kids out of the house so they don't have to overhear anything and b) ask him to talk to you about this text and any problems he thinks you have as a couple.

I do hope you manage to get things sorted out.

dmg24

peachyprice wrote: »

But you don't know if he's done anything yet.

Don't be caught up in the opinions of others who think all men are lying cheating scum who deserve to lose everything before you've had a chance to talk to him calmly and rationally about what is going on.

But all men are lying cheating scum aren't they, or have I just spent too long on here?

OP, this really is not something you should be taking advice from complete strangers about. Everyone has their own experiences, but you are the only one that knows your husband.

I keep my phone with me constantly, and I have it on silent or vibrate. I am not having an affair, I am just protective of my privacy.

See what he has to say, and then decide yourself what to do.

Indie_Kid

dmg24 wrote: »

I keep my phone with me constantly, and I have it on silent or vibrate. I am not having an affair, I am just protective of my privacy.

And there are situations where you need your phone on; but need to have it on silent.

mikeouk

the evidence points towards him having said something to this woman last night and shes responded with the text, trying to let him down lightly.
I think your best approach would be to ask him outright in a calm manner if he has feelings for her, or thinks he does. Worst thing you can do is get angry and shout.
If he admits to having feelings for her then you need to try and work out why, is he feeling like his life is lacking excitement? is he feeling trapped in your marriage after 10years? is he needing a boost to his self esteem? is he depressed and thinks this woman can help him feel happier?
If he is willing to talk about this, then the first thing you need to do is get him to agree to cut any contact with her, then get to the root of why he has acted in this way. It could just be a case of him making a fool of himself while drunk or it could be that he has been secretly attracted to her for a while.
If your understanding of his feelings then theres more chance of getting to the root of this.

*Louise*

As I see it, he has said something to her via text, deleted all his messages (that is the part which I woudl see as suspicious) then he has came home drunk, fallen asleep and she sent this text in reply.

It does sound like he has suggested taking things further and she is saying no. In fact she is taking more consideration over your feelings than he is.

I don't think anything implies that he has actually done anything, and I hope you can speak with him and find out what the heck he was planning. It's more than likely the drink was doing the thinking for him, but imo drink should never be an excuse for anyone getting up to something they shouldn't.

LillythePink

There are signs that he is maybe having issues with something (maybe your relationship), but to be fair, there's nothing to say that he wants a relationship with her - she could just be offering advice on something and if he goes through with (purely an example) leaving you and then regretting it, she wouldn't want to be held responsible for egging him on.

You definately need to have a calm conversation with him to find out what the issue is.

If it was me though (and I have been through something similar three times over the past year) I am the sort of person who keeps it in but does some digging and trys to find more out before speaking out.

Good luck - but keep calm about it - that can throw them off track more than ranting and raving!

swiss69

I think its more a case of too much to drink, bit of flirt, he thinks girl fancies him, decides (drunkenly) to text her at silly o'clock, Doesnt even wait for reply as passes out drunk...

Sounds to me like she is letting him down.

It could be a warning sign to how he feels about your relationship though or it could just be a bloke chancing his arm which men can sometimes do when drunk however they feel about their wife/girlfriend.

tread carefully...