Help! Misses has aquired massive debts

MoneyMagnet

It is to OP's credit that he is willing to help, but if I was him, I wouldn't give his GF any money until she has been completely open about where the money has gone, and has made a firm commitment to stop spending & do everything she can to clear the debt. That will be better for the children (& for both of them) in the long run, because if he just bails her out again before she has her LBM, where's her incentive to change? Don't mean to sound harsh - I realise it's a difficult situation for both of them.

GreyPilgrim

quantumleap wrote:

Lynzpower, I may continue to lurk, however, I wanted to say that you really do post some fantastic advice to people on here.

QL

She has a damn sexy avatar too.

hula-hoops

I'm not saying that he should bail her out and let her do the same thing all over again down the line.

But this is his family. The children haven't done anything wrong yet the OP seems quite happy to let Capital One harrass their mother - his future wife - and we all know what that's like.

If this were my husband, I would stand by him. No matter what he had done he is still my husband and I have vowed to stand by him through thick and thin. And I have. And I will over and over again. No matter what it takes. That's marriage. Obviously I wouldn't want him to make the same mistakes all the time and the same is true for his girlfriend. In the long run she will need help regarding her spending and hiding things but in the short term family life has to go on.

I would walk across hot coals to keep my family together and to stop bailiffs taking away what we have. We have debts far higher than the OP but I'll be damned if our children ever have to suffer because of that.

skaff

Simple solution to the problem you have with this thread DS. Restart a thread and this time keep the OP impersonal/ 'How do i clear a 10K cc debt quickly'. People on this thread (rightly or wrongly) have responded to information that you volunteered that was irrelevant to the problem you are seeking to fix.

freebird65

Hey OP...just a thought that doesn't seem to have been mentioned before.....apologies if it has...

You say these debts appear to have been built up over the last year or so - isn't that from about the time your gf lost her grandfather? Grief hits people in different ways....maybe she's been trying to take her mind off her grief by a) going out during the day and frittering money away on silly things b) god forbid playing online gambling sites - bingo or whatever. Both of these would leave nothing to show for the debt - but lord knows its easy enough to rack up a debt easily if you're not really watching. I should know.

I realise you can't do anything to help her unless she opens up and tells the truth, but this could be a symptom of the problem - you'd have a better idea than me.

Good luck.

Mirtos

HI DS. My opinion of the tone of your posts aside, as I understand it, bailiffs cannot come a knocking without a court order, and it doesn't sound like your g/f is at that stage yet if the CC company are still trying to have reasonable discussions. Even when bailiffs DO come round, it is my understanding that they can only take goods belonging to your gf, NOT yours. They would need to prove that anything in your house was hers before they could take it - and that's only if you let them in in the first place (which you shouldn't do ). I think your situation is salvageable, but like lynzpower says, don't pay the debt off for her, make her take responsibility for it - that's the only way she'll learn not to do it again. Hope that helps.xxx

Mirtos

renegade wrote:

I cant help wondering why she did not ask you if she could open a cc in your name .

Look, once and for all, can I please clarify? As I understand it, she HASN'T opened a cc in HIS NAME but in a FALSE one (ie: Mrs (his surname)) DS, is this the case? While that is still pretty bad, I think the distinction is important.

tesuhoha

I am probably going to get shouted down for this but I dont think either that you should pay off her debts. One thing that I think you should do is sit down and have a chat with your girlfriend and get her to agree to hand over her credit card to you so that she cannot increase the debt any further. This might seem like an infringement of her rights but she obviously can't control herself. She must know what the debts are for but won't tell you and if you havent seen any statements lying around then perhaps she's been very careful that you do not see them. Therefore she has something that she is very ashamed about. Did you ever find out what the old debts were for? It does sound like a gambling addiction to me; thats what I thought when I first read this, as many people have already suggested. Im sorry im not much use but I think you should get her to part company with the credit card, if you have not already. I suppose she won't be able to get any more credit at the moment but if you start paying off her debts she might well run it up again.

idiot_3

Mirtos wrote:

Even when bailiffs DO come round, it is my understanding that they can only take goods belonging to your gf, NOT yours. They would need to prove that anything in your house was hers before they could take it - and that's only if you let them in in the first place (which you shouldn't do._

Not true. A bailiff can take items from the house which could be considered by any reasonable person to be joint - T.V., Suite, Pictures and Ornaments, etc. Infact all that has to left by a bailiff is:

a) a chair per person (and these can be plastic garden chairs, taking the dining room ones)
b) a table
c) a means of cooking (cooker OR microwave)
d) bedding & bed
e) tools of the trade

also generally f) anything to do with kids. (Although this does not mean if you have a computer for yourself and your girlfriend, and one for the kids that a bailiff would not take the kids' one as well.)

As the situation stands, although you (D_S) have provided the money for the goods, she has invested similarly by taking care of the kids and keeping the house. I think that should a bailiff come round, you would have a very difficult time proving that the items were all yours, rather than joint.

But this is by the by, and just really to help clear up general wivestales about what bailiffs can and can't do.

I think that it is 99.99% that a bailiff IS NOT due to call at the property in the immediate future relating to capital one. (If it is still capital 1 calling regarding payment, then it has not gone to a 'proper' collections agency, thus bailiffs are not going to be involved at this stage.) BUT GET CREDIT REPORTS AND FIND OUT THE EXTENT OF THE SITUATION!!!! THERE IS NOTHING LIKE THE FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN TO PLAY ON YOUR MIND!!!!

I'm not going to get involved in offering advice on the relationship. However what I will say is that you need to find out where the cash has gone.

Admitting a problem is step one towards fixing it for her, and some sort of closure for yourself, in that at least you will know what has been going on, and you will not feel so isolated. Only once you have found the root of the problem can you begin to fix it, be that via appropriate counselling, support groups, and should it be depression, medication. There is no shame in seeking out and accepting help for your GF and yourself.

One point I would make, is that you and her must be sure you are in this for the long haul. If it is an addiction of some sort (Drugs, Gambling, Drinking, Shopping, Eating Disorder, Whatever,) the next slip is just around the corner. What causes it may seem to yourself to be incredibly minor, but for a recovering addict (if she is one), then the easy familiarity of her vice will be easier than standing up to a problem headlong.

Good luck Pal. It may seem flippant, but it is only money. You have a right to be angry, but anger like worry never solved anything. Money can always be paid back, even if it does take time and a lot of effort. Whilst I think that it is the lies that have hurt you, read some other posts on here, and you will see that others are coping with their debts, and are even quite enjoying cutting back and paying it all off. This board will always offer advice and support on any matters relating to paying off debt: got a problem, just ask!

Donegal_Paul

jobbingmusician wrote:

One thing about this thread especially surprises me - there have been a wide variety of replies, some of which have obviously been written with the express intent of helping the OP. For example, when he said that he was hoping for advice in dealing with bailiffs etc, someone immediately posted back with practical advice (don't let them in the house) and someone else pointed to a helpful bbc website.

The OP has been thanked for clarifying a point, but has yet press a simple button to issue a single thank you to any contributor to this thread......

!!!!!!, do you really think in the frame of mind he's in that he's at a point where he is even thinking about that?