Supporting a pregnant partner

Person_one

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

How about while she is on maternity leave you both have an agreed, equal amount of spending money that you calculate you can afford. Then what she chooses to spend that amount on is up to her? And you spend yours as you choose.

An absolutely excellent suggestion!

You know have to view your relationship as a socialist state, from each according to their ability, to each according to their needs. You will be able to go out and earn money, she will be able (hopefully) to carry a pregnancy, give birth and take on the majority of care of a newborn. These are both equally valid contributions. You both want the bills paid, you both want the baby.

Once all essentials such as bills, mortgage, nappies, your travel to work, are paid for, look at what's left, save half and divide the remaining half between the two of you for pocket money. It doesn't matter which one of you technically earned it anymore, you're a family unit, each doing what you can for the good of all of you.

gravitytolls

I'm amazed anyone considers a mother to be on maternity leave to be 'supported' by her partner. I thought that relationships and families were pretty much a melting pot ~ what comes in supports the family, all of them, however many there are.

OP, the question really needs to be defined not only by whether or not it is affordable, but by what other hobbies she has, and you, of course. If you like footie and have a season ticket or even the sky sports package, perhaps that is akin to the iphone ~ over time sports is very costly.

Does she have a huge wardrobe, does she shop, have expensive hobbies? Do you?

I think, when it comes to entertainment ~ and that is the point of the iphone really, you need to decide between you what is a reasonable amount to be spent on it.

Person_one

jtr2803 wrote: »

I just can't believe some of the comments on this thread......this is my point of view and I am a mum and did my stint on maternity with a baby before anyone wants to jump down my throat.


No....I don't see that she should have a new iphone and expect you to foot the bill, even if it is the same as her existing contract monthly costs. My reasoning is that a mobile phone is a necessity for most people but not one that has to cost £35+ a month!! When I had my daughter my husband covered the mortgage and bills but I paid for MY luxuries out of my own money, I would never in a million years expect him to pay for my phone bill. Just like I never went and blew loads of his earnings on clothes, that all came out of my money too!

Some people have suggested OP 'wont let her have.....'. Um, if they have a child and she gives up work that's her choice and surely she must recognise that to have that benefit she might have to give up things she would have taken for granted before?!!? What really gets my goat are comments of 'she is giving up her body to have your child and you wont let her have a phone'.....what planet are some people on? Surely the OP's other half wants a baby or it wouldn't even be on the agenda......It would THEIR child and SHE has to also consider the financial burden.

OP, no offence to your other half but I think she needs to be grateful that you are offering to foot her half of all the bills in the first place, there are many many couples who can't afford to even consider having children as they both have to work to live. I think you need to explain this to her and decide what each of you need to fund jointly and what should be kept seperate.

Not initially. She's the only one out of the two of them able to be pregnant, give birth and breastfeed. If they both want a baby, she has to stop working for a bit. Once the baby's weaned, either of them could do it, but not at first.

I don't agree with the second bolded bit at all. I was distinctly miffed when my ex suggested I still pay my half of all the bills after I was made redundant, what sort of partnership is that? It would never have occurred to me to think that way if it had been the other way around. You're supposed to be in it together, riding out the same ups and downs, not flatmates divvying up the bills regardless of circumstances.

Person_one

gill_81uk wrote: »

I agre that she's being unreasonable. If she phones her current provider to cancel they will most like;y offer her a new phone and a cheaper contract. It may not be as fancy as the iphone but will certainly allow her too keep in contact with her family and friends and contact you when she goes into labour!!

As long as she can promise she won't do what a friend of mine's partner did and post updates on how many centimetres dilated, when the baby started crowning etc through her labour! :eek:

mikey72

Person_one wrote: »

As long as she can promise she won't do what a friend of mine's partner did and post updates on how many centimetres dilated, when the baby started crowning etc through her labour! :eek:

Isn't there an app for that?

nm123_2

My short answer: Yes, she's being unreasonable.

My long answer: This is not about cost, it's about principle. OP recognises that he will have to restructure his finances and make some sacrifices if/when baby comes along and the gf doesn't seem recognise the same.

My practical answer: Like other people have said, sit down and talk. Talk about what you both consider to be essentials (rent, bills etc) and what you consider to be luxuries (cars? phones?) and then look at how much it all costs and work out a way to split it all. My OH and I have a joint account for our rent, bills and food. We don’t contribute equally because I earn more than he does. Anything else (travel to work, phones, eating out, booze, haircuts, clothes) comes out of our individual accounts. We do have the same leftover/spending money each month because we’d prefer to be equal in that respect as life wouldn’t be much fun if I could afford to do loads more than he could because we split the rent 50/50 and he was left struggling each month. I guess I’m trying to say it’s about compromise, communication and balance.

Bufger

My OH is pregnant with our first at the moment. We bought a house together last year and as part of the whole process and our lives together we discuss purchases (especially on credit/contract) together. We see everything as our purchase so we work out if we can afford it.

I think you both need to think more as a team now as you will certainly need to be in the future. Talk it through, rather than just saying no give constructive feedback on why that is your opinion - listen to the reason why she wants a new phone and why it has to be an iPhone, have a look at the different contracts and see if you can come to a comprimise etc.

You will need to have one big money pot instead of seperate (its easier). As a comprimise she could always start saving some of her money towards the pregnancy for luxuries for both of you and you could save yours for emergencies, then the monthly wage can pay for bills.

Gordon_Hose

Ok, there's a few assumptions being batted about, and a few posts I'm, quite frankly, a bit shocked at lol

Anyway, we spoke last night, there were compromises brought up that I hadn't even thought about...like getting rid of my car (hers is newer and better) and going to a one car family, and seeing as I work from home the majority of the time we won't need two cars if OH is on ML. I've dropped my phone tariff and cancelled my AA cover as my bank does breakdown cover for free. I've already saved myself ~£30 a month, I should have done it much earlier, but I set things up and forget about them.

OH said whatever phone she gets, she'll pay for no matter what. So she's getting the phone

Thanks for all your input, it has been invaluable and interesting to read some differing opinions, feel free to keep adding to this post so others in similar situations can get advice.

honeypop

Gordon_Hose wrote: »

Anyway, we spoke last night, there were compromises brought up that I hadn't even thought about...like getting rid of my car (hers is newer and better) and going to a one car family, and seeing as I work from home the majority of the time we won't need two cars if OH is on ML. I've dropped my phone tariff and cancelled my AA cover as my bank does breakdown cover for free. I've already saved myself ~£30 a month, I should have done it much earlier, but I set things up and forget about them.

OH said whatever phone she gets, she'll pay for no matter what. So she's getting the phone

Thanks for all your input, it has been invaluable and interesting to read some differing opinions, feel free to keep adding to this post so others in similar situations can get advice.

Good to hear you've discussed it. Becoming a one car family will save you quite a bit I imagine!

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

If she is giving up work (at least for a while) to have your baby then how else do you think she is going to pay for it?

How about like a lot of mums on maternity leave... out of money saved up before and during pregnancy, to cover loss of income while on maternity leave. I don't know anyone in 'real life' that just went down to the one income and expected to live on that for the duration of maternity leave, there were savings.
I think it's sensible to save up so that you can cover some of your 'own' outgoings without expecting your husband to pay for pretty much everything. I consider my mobile phone 'my' outgoing and never expected him to pay for that while I was on maternity leave. Same for the costs of running my car and my gym membership. I wanted to keep my car, phone and gym membership so I made sure these costs were covered while I was on maternity leave.

Gordon_Hose wrote: »

All this is new to me. I assume I should be responsible for all my partners outgoings, including mobile phones, when she leaves work on maternity leave. I just don't think one wage is enough, even if we cut back all non-essentials.

Nope, see above.

Gordon_Hose

We're both going to save like mad, so we have a decent buffer.

I just need to get my home office sorted out, I can't work and watch CBeebies at the same time